Natural Science

I love science. Since I was a little girl I was intrigued by how things work, how they are, what they can do, and what I can do. I loved it.

I took this test on projectcareer.com and I remembered telling my mom everything I learned from school- in science. I tell her about the tectonic plates, atoms, physics- anything I learned in science that day.

I realize how much I miss it. How much I love learning about it. Physical science, biology, and chemistry were my favorite subjects in school. There is so much I want to learn. It fascinates and soothes me.

Then I remembered the California Science Center. I would love to go there, again.


I enjoy my first result. I wonder how accurate it is?


"Biotechnology is among the most active fields of research and attracts about a quarter of all funding from companies in the industry, according to National Science Board data. Work in this field seeks to understand and use the fundamental processes of cellular life to develop more effective medicines, consumer products, and industrial processes. Advances in biotechnology have led to new drugs and vaccines, disease-resistant crops, more efficient enzymatic manufacturing processes, and novel methods of dealing with hazardous materials."

"Nanotechnology is perhaps even more of an emerging field than biotechnology, and they often overlap in their work on the molecular level, such as with DNA tagging. Nanotechnology is the study of new structures roughly on the same scale as individual atoms, or one millionth of a millimeter. At this size, materials behave differently and can be made into new structures such as quantum dots, which are small devices that behave like artificial atoms and can be used to tag sequences of DNA, make nanoscopic switches for electronics, or produce extremely small lasers for communications equipment."



"Life, physical, and social scientists form the core of the research operations in the industry. Biological scientists conduct research to understand biological systems, develop new drugs, and work with genetic material. Most work for pharmaceutical or biotechnology companies; others perform their research in Federal or academic laboratories. Medical scientists research the causes of health problems and diseases, and then use this information to develop medical treatments and preventive measures. Their work is similar to that of biological scientists, but with a specific emphasis on disease prevention and treatment. Chemists and materials scientists research the nature of chemical systems and reactions, investigate the properties of materials, and develop new products or processes utilizing this knowledge. They perform research used by a broad array of industries to develop new products. Along with physicists , chemists and materials scientists conduct basic and applied research on nanotechnology."


" Sample Job Titles
* Chemist
* Medical Scientist
* Microbiologist
* Nanotechnologist
* Aerospace Research Scientist"



I wonder what it will be like if I were a forensic anthropologist. It is interesting to me. However, will I be able to handle some of the gruesomeness?

I realize love is more than a feeling; it takes effort and discipline.
It takes more effort being the only one growing for two.

I walked to work yesterday morning and for some reason I thought about how my life can be different if I did not live with Sean. Possibly, I may do better in college. I think I am better off without a relationship because I can focus on me. However, money comes in and I am not in the best of or decent wealth.


There does not seem to be a difference being full time at work. I love doing truck in the morning.
I hear Kristene will be our official full time clothing and cashier once she comes back from Missouri. ^ ^

I made peanut butter cookies at Kristene's place a day before she left. The first batch were perfect. The second and third were overcooked or undercooked.
Maria and I made California rolls. I enjoy being around her. We brought them to work (and the cookies), and the sushi ran out, quickly! Bryan thought Kristene made the cookies when he brought some home to his family. :(


Sean and I spent Christmas with his mom. We had Sizzlers and watched I Am Legend.

When he was young, he and his mom went to Sizzlers on Christmas day, after his grandmother died. I want to keep the tradition for him.


I did not buy him a gift. Today is his birthday. I don’t know where he is. I can’t call him because my phone is off. I hope he does not put it in my face that I didn‘t buy him anything; he tends to do that, although he says he understands.

He bought me an iPod. I am happy he did. I love it. I wish I were able to buy him something, at least.

We're doing okay.


My family did not come down. They said it will be best because they can save money and pay for my school...

The usual.

At work, they told me, did not ask me, from then until December 31st, I will temporarily be full time. I have a two-dollar raise and I am told not to tell anyone how much I make or that I am full time.

For potluck, I am making sushi. Perhaps, chocolate covered strawberries too. Maria and Rosie will do it with me, since they begged for it.

I have not started Christmas shopping, nor will I this year.
My mother called me a few days ago and told me that my school counselor has talked to her (I would not say 'with', because I know she did not say much that will help.) and told her that I "will have to start over again, as a freshman in high school," if she (my mom) does not pay, again.

I am determined to pay off as much as I can, of what she owes. My upcoming check is on December 21st, and I hope I am not too late. I have to send it as money order, and find a way for them not to find out I paid...


Sean said he is having a surprise for me this Christmas. I am not expecting much. I do not want him to buy me anything, really.

He did preorder BoA's upcoming album (limited edition!) for me, though. So, that's fine. :)

However, it seems I am unable to buy him anything this year, or for his birthday...




This Christmas seems a bit glum for me. It does not feel like Christmas, anymore.

There is colour and beauty in darkness.

Leaves, bugs, bear, old man, and voicemails.

The leaves are making the path difficult.

I see an evil bug, an old man with a curl on his head, and a sad bear with big eyes and a beard.






Simple, cute or silly, voicemails make me happy.

Exit

This best describes the situation, feeling, and thoughts lurking in my mind.


At times, words do not carry meaning. Truth is vague and lies are lost in reserved spots. Sometimes, belief is difficult to attain in a closed mind.
There are directions and windows that cannot be avoided in a lot that one has chosen, or had no choice but to go. There are lots that are empty; ones that people unknowingly avoid.


I am fully aware of what I say; I am, however, unsure if I said it correctly.
I have been thinking of moving out. If I had a choice, but not leave California-, I will. I have told Sean plenty of times; however, he did not believe me until tonight.

"I don't want to get married, now. I'm just tired of it. I am tired of fighting," "I thought about really moving back with my parents. There's nothing there for me, there's nothing here, too," "I do want to stay with you- it's just hard."

I do not want to get married. Not now, or soon. We are fighting too much. We have to work things out before getting married.

Once things seem right, I do. I have given up waiting to get married. I realize it is for the best. We cannot be like this, anymore. We cannot be like this, at all. Please.

The one that stood out is not from the center.



P.S. Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Sucks for me, I cannot eat solid foods because I am sick (I didn't eat anything Monday, and finally ate something Tuesday night- which is not much, and ended up sticking my head in the toilet in pain.).

Man, I really want mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, yams, and pumpkin pie.
Fall is my favorite season. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Sean and I planned to make a meal, too! Now, it will not happen. :/

I really miss my mom's food when I am sick. She took very good care of me.

My boss probably thought I was not that sick. Oh well. I will still show up for work Friday.

Woops. My "P.S." ought to end now.

It can be nothing.

I give up. It is not a very positive thing to say, is it? I am not expecting to move soon. I am not thinking much about graduating soon. I still want to start over. Nevertheless, I have to be patient; I dislike being patient.

I need new surroundings. I need muses. I do not want to be the same girl that everyone knows of at work. I want change and change will only happen if I allow it too.

What I am possibly most tired of is people wanting me to be this person... Alternatively, rather, something they think will be best and what I should do because they are doing it. I don't want to come home and listen to someone talk about his or her love life, or whatever it is. They talk to me about the same thing.
Can people have better or more thought provoking things to say to me? It seems like uncultured and not so bright or idle persons surround me!

Change is perhaps one of the things that can keep me sane. I tire of redundancy.

Other news, Sean is on a business trip. I almost wish he did something I dislike. I know- horrible of me! I think I am going to regret typing that into here. I feel extremely disgruntled. On the other hand, I am slightly irate that he did not call me tonight. That is possibly the most logical thing I have said or thought tonight.
It is good for him. Great for his job.

I wonder why he does not go to school, already. No, I do not wonder. I know why. It just bothers me knowing he is able to go to college now. He did say he wanted to wait for me. I believe that is an excuse. Presently, he says he cannot because he has other things to worry about (i.e. work, saving money, getting a license and a car, et cetera.). Those are understandable. We do need a car to drive to school. However, he has not followed through as he said he was months ago.

I need to stop this. I am complaining too much.

There has to be a root to this frustration. There has to be. Something started this and it is escalating, and I want to know what it is so I can breathe. I am the only person who can take care of this.

For weeks, I have been figuring out what it is and I have come up with nothing that really nails it. On the other hand, is it fragments of unrelated proportions? Can it be that it is nothing at all? Resulting, therefore, a personal issue- ignored.

I do not know if it is Sean, if it is work, if it is school, if it is moving, or whatnot, that is bothering me. It has to be deeper than that. There has to be at least one thing that started it all. Worse, it can be nothing.

Temecula, Wine Country, Antique Shopping, and things.

Let us take a seat.


It has been a while since I have updated and I am unsure what to say.

Kristene and Mike have been more than great to me. They drove me to Temecula and old town Temecula, through the wine country, and took me antique shopping (they bought me a calligraphy set at an antique mall).

All month I kept myself busy. Either going out or creating things at home. However, my schoolwork has not been touched as often as it should.

I go to a coffee shop every Sunday after work with one or two of my co-workers to study, do some homework, and talk. Those are the only times I have done my homework this month. Nevertheless, I finished six packets and I started on my new six a couple of days ago. Therefore, I believe I am doing fine. Anyway, I am still (technically my mom) in Collection.

I am unable to be a full timer at work because I do not have my high school diploma.

Last weekend Kristene, Mike, and I drove to Vegas. The excuse was to obtain my birth certificate and we have tried but failed. The rule is I have to get it in Reno, not in Vegas, or fill out a form and wait. I am unable to fill out the form because I have no ID. My mother did and I hope it will be coming soon.

Yes, I finally saw my parents and brother. They seem to be doing well. I learned how to make sushi and chocolate covered strawberries while we were there.

Perhaps I should stop. Plenty has happened in between, I am just too lazy to think and write it all.


Edit: We saw "O" by Cirque du Soleil! Amazing. Moving.

Rain

Out from our door...

I wanted to capture how beautiful the sky looked once the rain stopped.

I could not capture it as I thought...


Instead, I was left alone on a garage rooftop.

I believe you are better off living your life without me, because you do it now. I seem to be nowhere in your plans, our plans that I have made with you; that's what I thought. Now it seems like I have made them myself.

I seem to be nowhere in your life. And I wish I was because I have given myself to you. You are special and I don't want to lose that.

I seem to be nowhere in your life. Are you better off without me? Because if you are I am willing to let you go if it will make you happy and stress-free.
although it hurts thinking about it... it really does. I don't want to leave you. I don't. However, now it seems like that is where it would lead to if we did not live together.

Drive Safely

I sit here listening to classical music on Yahoo! and unsatisfyingly procrastinate on homework I planned finishing tonight.

I took this picture to show Sean some of the features my co-worker has on his car. Going through photos that I have taken on the night of D's party I stopped once I came to this, and zoomed to see what it says. Somehow, it struck me. I thought how often I took chances and the result slimmed. I am afraid of realizing what a mistake I done once I look from a passenger's perspective and end up in an accident I may regret.

The party is the first house party I have gone to since my ex-boyfriend, over two years ago.


There was a moment, after many unpleasant moments with one in particular, when I saw how sad it is that one can turn into, to escape. I read how he is not trying enough. How depressed he is although he denies it. I told him, "You need help," he replied, "from who?" I thought, as I smell his breath while his face was coming close to mine- that people have tried to help him. Perhaps not enough, "you need better friends," I shamelessly said. "From who?" he slurred. I had to turn my face from his. He was coming too close. I quickly lifted my eyes and looked at Javier, and back down. I thought he could not have others save him anymore. He needs to stop and save himself from crashing, again.
Javier and Maria, thank goodness, helped me get away from him.

D, whom I love and miss, is drunk at his party. I enjoy his company and the moments we talk. Although he was drunk, I realized how much he cared and how he is like me. An idealist through hardship. (I believe I don't show much of it through my blog.) More so, than me.

He quit Big 5 a couple of months ago. I remember it was a Tuesday morning and he did truck. I was told from Matt that it was Dmitriy's last day. I could not look at Dmitriy for the next three or four hours after I saw him, and the moment I asked, "You're leaving?" Why, I thought. He starts to say goodbye and writes down other's numbers and contact information. He stood right next to me and I felt his eyes on me. I looked up and he placed his hand on my shoulder as to give me support as he always did when I am confused or whatnot. He tells me he is going to miss me, and hugged me longer than I thought he would. You're the older brother I needed, I thought. I told him I am going to miss him, too.

Now, he is jobless and he knew it was coming. He knew the moment he was offered. He needed to do it for what he is studying. He knew it was only going to be for a month or two. Therefore, I understood. He goes along the road and decides what turn to take considering his mood, or by construction or traffic.


I am the one who is running across the street to go a different way.


One does not read or stop for traffic; instead, one goes for the thrill or escape.
One chooses what is best, considering what is ahead and knowing the outcome will not always be what you expect.
One does read, stops for traffic, and walks across the street, but is unwilling to go any farther.

Satisfactory

It has been so difficult to express myself through writing. I always had a difficult time speaking. I am not implying I have a speech impediment or anything, and I'm sorry if that was offensive- I did not mean it that way.

There has been so many things I want to talk about however, it seems difficult. I have a difficult time sleeping. I don't understand why that is the only time I have something worth saying. Well, I believe it is... some way.

I wish I had something articulate to say. I have nothing.


I persuaded to pay my school that my mother missed, again. They want it from her.

Am I doing something wrong if I am looking for a new place, now? Am I not good enough with the cash I make? Should I work a second job that is down the street?

I always feel like I am not good enough.

Circle & Stripes

I don't think I am out-of place.



Sometimes, I want to be left alone by you. If we did not live together, I would ask for a break.

Caution

The four things that make a healthy relationship are communication, consideration, respect, and compassion.

Why does it feel like we are not communicating in an adult-like manner? Will it be best if I don't run my mouth about something you ask or bring up? Does it have to be that way when you are the only person I thought I could tell everything too?

I thought you could be my best friend. I feel as if we are on a different page.

Recently, I have been saying I am sick of things. In candour, I am not happy with how we are, what we are, and what we are going through, now. However, I do not want to leave you, if that is what you believe.

I just need time for myself, right now.

I greatly respect you but you do not respect me much as I like you to. I have this thing when I run my mouth about something you only bring up; but you have this habit of not knowing when to stop when I ask you to.
I do not feel like I am treated like a woman from you...


I don't know what to do, anymore. I feel exhausted. I don’t like the direction this is going.

I just hope things work out. If I had my way, I will go to the beach everyday.

I am unsure what is happening. They could not make up their minds and I am tired of having my hopes up. How is it so difficult to stick to one thing? We had a place, well a more than a few, however they keep changing it. I am tired of this and I want to start off new. I am tired of my job; and I am extremely disappointed in myself for not accomplishing any thing for the past year and half.

I just want to get away from it all. I do not want to be a dependant little girl.

I just hope things will work out. But how is it so in a world like this?

The Rose Garden - pictures by Kristene.

Day with Kristene

The food is so wonderful. Panera Bread will be one of my new obsessions. (The bagles are good, too.)


This is the what you look up too when you enter the science museum.

I felt so picayune. For a moment, I thought life as a staircase circling surrounding dreams- and as one continues going there seems to be not many left in the ring.

In addition, I am always unsure where I am.

However, yesterday has been amusing and stimulating; yet tiring by the end of the night.
All that requires chomping on solid food was bread, one apple, and more bread. Oh, and we had juice.

We had Panera Bread for breakfast. I have been craving a bread bowl and yesterday I had it with broccoli and cheddar cheese soup. We fed two birds, I ate my apple, and dropped her husband off at home (and she grabbed a few things).
We arrived at the science museum after being lost for an amusing hour. Unfortunately, my camera died after three or four hours and we have not been through half the museum. However, Kristene took plenty of pictures for me to download.

I have seen nothing like the rose garden. I'll post a picture she took on the next post.




It was fantastic, nonetheless. I would not mind doing it, again.


This Friday is definately beach day. It's time for us to relax.

The coloured and grey.

A destination is coloured as the opposite fades in to black and grey.

I am unsure of what direction to take, however, my instinct tells me we are better off going the practical way. Nevertheless, it is heart breaking leaving a place you have grown accustomed to and learn to love.

I will be leaving a place with a great opportunity at my work. I will be leaving a place where I have finally set my sights on college. I will be leaving a place where I have met wonderful, and not so wonderful people. I will be leaving a place of serenity and the sound waves. I love this chapter of my life; although, I had my moments of loneliness, doubt, and guilt.

*****



Sean's father has come from Bolivia seven months ago to work on a landscape project. The total of years he has been gone is more than half the age of Sean. The last time Sean has seen his father (along with Peter and Robert) is when he left the three of them at the border of Mexico. Years have been full of hate towards his father.

In December, we are visiting Bolivia for a month. We are excited to leave the U.S. for a while.

His father left two days ago, returning to Bolivia to his wife and two children. His time here, although spent the remaining week with two of his sons, have cleared the anguish and treated us with laughter. I stayed out of their way as they spent time together for the first few days.

Within the week and a day or two before his departure, we were told to find a new place. Apparently, we are giving trouble to our property owner, Rosalie. We do not bother her, and we do give our rent on time.
Since, we have been looking for a new place. Sean's father offered a place for us in Bolivia and a business he is opening. I gave a nights thought and realized I could not bear to live in a country with a different tongue (I am uninterested in the language, especially- I am horrible at it and I have been trying to learn it for years.) and work will be limited. After I thought how selfish I was being towards Sean. I thought he could have a better life there. He would not have to worry as much as he is now. We talked about it, quietly, the next morning. He confessed he does not want to live there and he does not want to be away from me, again (I mentioned it will be best if he lived in Bolivia and I, Vegas with my parents. It hurt him to hear as it hurt me to say.).

Together, we looked for apartments and homes. The prices are very unpractical. His brother, Pete, said his girlfriend's parents own a property in Hermosa Beach and we have to pay $450 each. That is cheap and the area is wonderful. It is less than a mile from the beach and I would go there everyday if I wanted. However, the next day he called and told Sean it has already been taken. So much of hope.

The next place is Culver City or some place, horrible place- worse than here. I do not want to step out of the car or home if we lived there. What more- I walk!

This has made Sean and I worry much more than we have. Other places we have checked are outrageous. Then, we looked in to places near to our work. It is still the same.

Finally, we looked at Vegas apartments. We can have a three-bedroom apartment for what we pay here. In addition, it is in a nice area.
We don't want to live with my parents. They seem to have too much trouble.


We are better off there, if there is no place for us here.

25 Things

This has taken me almost a week.
Some of this I ought to say to myself. This was difficult.


1] List 25 things you want to say to people.
2] Don't say who they are.
3] Never, discuss it with anyone.




...Try to figure who is who...
reminder: each one is about a different person.



1. You mean everything to me. I cannot see myself without you. I love you, more than anyone and anything. I want you and me to grow old together. I would not know what I am or what I will do without you. You are my first. I have given my heart to you. You are perfect in every way to me. The trouble is I am afraid of telling anyone, even you, of how much I feel. If anything were to happen, I would be empty; I will be over of being scared because I would not want to feel anything. You are my water and shade.

2. Friends since we were seven and eight. Sisters since thirteen and fourteen. You have always been someone I admired. However, there has been this emptiness and almost a lack of companionship. Possibly, it is because I am a year younger; or it can be that I am constantly moving. Anyway, I still think and look at you as I always have: someone I have always wanted to be.

3. Our friendship was great and fun in the beginning. However, I am not sure I will call it friendship, now. You have not told me about the money you have taken behind my back. In addition, you have always been against my relationship with him. You need to grow up and get yourself together. You are dependent. Prove me wrong.

4. A mother at such a young age and some one I truly respect. You are an excellent mother. You have matured. I am very proud of you.

5. I may blame you for not trying to call me as much as I have called you. I was trying to save our friendship; it hurt me after months of you not trying as much as I have. However, I do blame myself for the most of it. I understood you were going through things. I ought to have been more sympathetic. I am sorry for being so horrible and not talking to you a few weeks before you were off to that war I am sick of. It is my entire fault. I miss you and I love you. I will always see you as my older brother.

6. I am glad you came back in my life. It is disappointing that we do not speak as much, anymore. However, I am glad you at least try. I love you, for that. I cannot wait until we go out, again! You are such a sweetheart. I love your last name. It reminds me of Pride&Prejudice. :) I wish the best of luck for you!

7. Kindred spirits since the freshman year. Too bad, we never had the chance to be friends. Now, you are going to a prestigious university- this is one of my dream schools! Let us always keep in touch. There is no one like you. Perhaps, one day we can go out to Starbucks or Barnes&Noble to read a book, together. However, I highly doubt it. I wish I had your smarts.

8. I have realized you and I have more in common than I thought. I believe, and hope, we become better friends.

9. I am sorry for missing your class. I am sorry for failing. I really looked/look up to you. You knew I had much to learn. I am so sorry, and I know I will never see you, again. I hope you did not think the worse of me.

10. You are leaving. Just like him. I am glad you care as much as you do. I am sometimes scared of it being too strong and leave you hurt or angry. You have always been headstrong and now you have grown out of it and you are becoming a man. You are amazing and intelligent.

11. You are so spoiled. I don't care what you say that you are not. You want to grow in to a woman? How can you do that when you do not want to start living on your own, making your own hard-earned cash, having a job and still go to school? People can do it and they have it much worse than you do. They are the real workers. I do have sympathy for you but I do believe you have a lot more of growing up to do. Stop whining about your mom and start doing something about you.

12. You have made the former in to such a vulnerable girl. I cannot have any patience with you. Stop being so two-faced and start being honest and loving to your girls. They need it. They cry for it. Stop shopping around like a dependent woman you are and be a mother and a woman.

13. I become so upset with you because of your favouritism and how you treat/treated your boys. Your concentration is on your then current and current relationship. You are enjoyable to be around with. I notice habits that the boys have that you talk about that you have. With every person, there is a flaw. Do not say you are perfect. None of us is. I have never met anyone in my life who can say the racial slurs. I know you are not that bad compared to others. I'm just sayin'.

14. We never had a conversation. We could have been closer if I had not moved so much and if you and I were not shy. I have always wondered about you; for as long as I live, I believe I will wonder about you. Were you a doctor in a hospital? A lawyer? You and I were competitive. Those glances at each other seconds before the timed tests, our hearts racing as we are head-to-head to the finish line (Well, technically, the side walk from the wall across the field), who can be above the other in our tests... I will never forget what you wrote me in the third grade (each class mate in Ms. Bogart's, now, Mrs. Palmer, wrote to me.) when I left Arizona. Though the letter remains vague, I remember some. Yours was the most personal. Everyone wrote of the same thing: field day. You wrote about it too, but it was very short. The rest... well, is sweet and cute. I have never told you that. In addition, you, likely, will never know. The last time I saw you was during your freshman orientation, at a table near the cups and water. You and I just looked at each other; and that will probably be the last glance we will have of another.

15. After getting to know you and talking with you I saw you as one of the most kind-hearted, intellectual, and interesting person I have met. You are loyal and I admire that. I almost feel guilty for knowing you because of how amazing you are. Thus far, you are one of the influential people in my life. Stay that way- just the way you are. Well, you can lay off the drinking a little bit. 

16. I can honestly say we could have been more than friends, before I met Sean. You have asked me and I told you we can only be friends but I never told you why. It is because one of my very good friends liked you for a long time. Another, whom I was getting to know, was your girlfriend at the time and the other one I just knew and spoken with, but we were somehow friends in the end. Therefore, even if I did not meet him, we would have not been together that way. However, what we have is much better than that kind of relationship you were asking for, and I like to keep it that way. :)

17. How did we become like sisters? It just happened unexpectedly. Too bad you are across the country, now.

18. I am always going to care about you. I wish you did not take me for granted. What you have been through was horrible and it sucked not being there for you. I do hope you are doing ok. I know you are always having problems. Please, take care of yourself.

19. You are the most disrespectful person I have met. You go around saying how you have the most respect for women and that you treat all of them well. I would not doubt the latter; however, your conduct with a married woman and your philandering with a girl whom you dislike are just sickening. I am glad I do not allow myself in to your ways. You have made me so uncomfortable that night; you seemed like a different person since then. I cannot believe how fake you are.

20. In candour, I cannot stand you. You take your mother for granted when she cares about you the most out of your two younger brothers. You are a liar and a sick man. When you even raise your voice or talk down on him and his brother, I just want to slap you in the face and kick you the hell out. You are 22 years old without a diploma, working an under the table job, and I can see you marrying her or any young woman out of money. Sick, sick, sick- and pathetic! I dislike how I have to be so nice to you.

21. I do not know what is going on with you, now, but I think you need help if you are still the same. I don't even know if we are friends, anymore.

22. I think we are friends, just not much. I realized I should not become close to you and her. I would not be surprised if we stopped talking one day, although we really get along.

23. What is going on? Who are you, really? I hear so many different accounts on you and some of them make sense. I will not judge you or stop talking to you; I am curious to who you are and what you have lied about to me.

24. What kind of father will ignore his daughter's feelings and opinions? I knew she was going to have it rough. I hope you stay away from me and if you do not I am going to give you a piece of my mind. I don't care what you say about me. I am tired of you all, anyway.

25. I am glad you found out about them the way you did. You would have not believed me if I told you two years ago.

Shades

I am always unsure if I should muster the courage to take on a path. There are cracks I am cautious of and shades that will either shelter me for a moment or keep me from going further.

Sometimes, I want to stand back and ponder how it is to go forward; it can even look beautiful when you have not entered.

Doors

As one door closes another opens. If it's dark, find the switch.

Whichever direction or order the road leads too, there will always be traffic lights. Being overtaken by others, passing others, or coming to a halt.
I wonder how much of these I will take in my life.

I noticed the months are going by slowly and somewhat tediously. I kept myself in this monotonous leisure when I am alone, and I wonder if it's right of me to play-off as that bubbly character that makes others smile, when in truth I am not dumb and naive as others perceive me as.

However, I believe my character is noticeable when I am out of work; when I am quiet others assume I am upset, moody, or whatnot. This is not true. It so happens I am comfortable being quiet and observant. There is nothing wrong in that.

For others, the months have been going by quickly. For me, it is the opposite. I have not felt this slow or still, and I am beginning to wonder if something is wrong.

The collection is paid and I could not be happier (although, I do not show it). I kept thanking my mom; I know she is happy over it, too.

I have finished three thick and tedious packets of business math in four days. I called out work once, and sent home once. Although that may not be good on my part (I was, really, sick), it worked out (my goal to finish these packets in three to four days) the way I wanted. My check may be smaller, but it's worth it.

To reward myself, I am indulging on my current obsession: BoA.

Monday these packets are going to Vegas, and I then will receive my next three business math packets. Once that is finished I need two more credits, and figure out what will be my three or four extracurricular activities.

However, with the pace I am going at I believe I will graduate in the fall, before college starts.


Just a little reminder for myself: My stepfather is really trying his best for himself and us. I am beginning to feel proud of him, and I am becoming more sympathetic towards him. He has been through a lot, so he deserves another chance.

As for now, I am extremely tired. Goodnight.

College and Work

I am looking into college classes and I have narrowed them down to four: Sociology 101, Japanese 1, Music 46abcd, and Nursing. The trouble is I am unsure how this is going to work out. I am sure I am unable to graduate before the fall classes begin, so that means I have more time for college; however, less hours at work (that is if I am not working next door.). If I were to work in the corporate office, I will have a full-time position from seven or eight in the morning to three or four in the afternoon. My problem is that the classes I want to take are not open at the times I want or need, including the weekend classes. The only weekend class from what I listed above is nursing. Unfortunately, I am slightly uninterested. I am planning to make this my permanent job if nothing else goes well with the others.

To begin with, I only want to go to school part-time. This means I have to eliminate a class. By impulse, the class to give up is nursing; however, I know I should stick with it. Therefore, this means I am (that is, in future tense) to eliminate Music 46abcd or Japanese 1.

The reason I decide to take a Japanese language course is only my own interest and fascination with Japan. However, am I going to make a life there if I were to move? I can be self-taught if I had to give this up, but I will not gain more knowledge of the language, etc.

As for Music, it has been a big part of me since I was younger. I have taken violin classes in elementary school, and I am still deeply in love with it. The plus side for this is I can teach myself.

Therefore, it comes down to this: if I had to choose a class to eliminate, sadly, it will be music.

I had an interview last week from next door (the corporate offices). It went smoothly and I did not expect a promotion. However, Dreux and Dan told me to let them know when I graduate.

I am to receive my schoolbooks from Vegas! Still, my mother has to pay.

It so happens I need more than two credits. Well, I need business math, U.S. Government, U.S. History, and 3-4 electives. I am unsure how long this is going to take, but I will try my best and finish as soon as possible.

I will appreciate solitude, if I was given the chance.

I am unable to walk around the neighbourhood; it is enough walking every morning.
I do not have a car.

I would love to go to the beach, sit on the sand, close my eyes, feel the breeze and listen to the waves, or read a book.


Silly minded boys with nothing more intellectual to say surround me.

The lawyer, basically, said he is unable to sue since Sean is white (Hispanics are unable too, also.).

Others are.

The only way he would have had a case is if it involved sexism.


I cannot believe this. X-/

Getting fired for a redundant reason as the conclusion is unjust:

1. When one is working as a temporary worker in a freight business in California, hiring must happen prior to evaluation the first three months of work, without experience. Not a year+.
2. Minorities are hired within the week with no evaluation and with no or little experience in this business.
3. Family ties from the bosses.
4. Their offer of a .50 cent raise prior to hiring. They are to receive a 4-6 dollar raise. [He has spoken with the head boss about a dollar raise at least; he said take it or leave it.]
5. On April 30th, his boss in his department told him they are being slow and they are not hiring anyone in his position. Therefore, he is fired.
6. May 1st, a minority with no experience working as a security guard and speaks little English is hired in his position.
   

I know I am not the only one who has found this unfair and confusing.

To make myself a creative, interesting, and an intellectual character requires reading, writing, and drawing. As I read from somewhere else: I wanted to be those things since I knew what they were.

I used to read a plethora of times when I was younger; write more when I was younger, and drew more when I was younger. Now those things, which are very important to me, are lacking or weak.

To be more than the energetic girl, the one who smiles to brighten other's days although mine can be broken, and to be thought of more than what they call 'the little girl with a pretty face and smile'.

The ones who are brilliant and creative are ones I admire and respect more.

In candor, it does not help that I do not have people like that around me more often. Either they are in another state or he still wants his space and time.

Why do people find it odd to put fun in something intellectual?

I admit I am bitter towards her, and she does not deserve it. It is not her fault for being borne in to a family like hers.

I know it is silly of me and inane, that I become upset over her accomplishments. She is able to graduate, take her senior class picture, go to prom, etc., and I was unable to do any of that.
I was unable too because of my family situation and my lack of progress during high school.

What I dislike most is her mother boasting about her, and speaking of how great, she is and how others are not.

I know I ought not to be upset over that, but in a family that expects so much from you and think of small failures as a big issue puts so much pressure on me to make them happy.

Maybe this is my problem: focusing on making others' happy, instead of my own.

I only wish I had done better...

In the past, I have taken ballet, tap, gymnastics, and hip-hop. My mother put me in to these classes at a young age, or as she said, since I began walking.

Whether it is noticeable or not, dancing is a big part of my life.

I deeply regret not continuing these more than anything else...
One day in ballet class, when I was six years old, for some unknown reason, I told my mother I do not want to do it anymore. Again, thinking back to what I was doing and when that thought occurred seems unreal to me. Honestly, I do not remember what brought that thought up, in fact- I did not even think about it! Those awful words just came out.

Three years later, I entered hip-hop; however, I did not stay long since my family and I keep moving.

Perhaps that is the reason those words came out. Perhaps some kind of spirit opened my mouth and spoke from my chords.

I was always moving.

Therefore, after asking if I really wanted to quit, (ballet, tap, and gymnastics) my mother had taken me out of the school. This was the time when my mother and my step dad moved in together; this was the beginning of our life and the end of a short story.

From ten years old to fourteen, I danced along to music, imitated dancers on TV and from people I have met at school.

Then high school came and I was not dancing as much as I did before. Sophomore year came I did not dance at all.

Now, I am 19 years old, and I regret not trying hard enough to do what I love.
I watch these dancers now on TV and the internet and two months ago, I began dancing. However, my body does not feel fluid, graceful, and powerful. This is my mistake...

I have a list of regrets and this is the one I regret the most.

I cannot be like that dancer I was, and better.

I will never forget that day when I quit.

I want to hide and not be bothered.
I want to sleep and have my dreams accompany me.

I miss them.

well, in actuality, I have never had them, in the first place.

I do not want this loneliness to keep showering me with its love.

why do I want to hide, and not be bothered- when I honestly do not want to hide, and be in company?

Yes, my mind has been cluttered with regrets that I am unable to put down.

After two years, I am still wearing the blackened veil of guilt I have placed over my shoulders and eyes. I have done nothing tremendously wrong or any sort of impact on any one else in a negative way, but the things I regret are on myself, alone.

Mainly, they come from high school:

1. I did not applying myself, fully.
2. Not committing myself to other clubs I was interested in.
3. I could have done better in forensics.
4. Disappointing Mr. G.
5. For not writing a 'sorry' and a 'thank you' note to Mr. G. and Ms. F.
6. I did not spend enough time with peers.
7. I did not apply myself in anything (although I thought I have tried).
8. Alcohol abuse.
9. I did not achieve anything.

Others:

1. For not committing to home school every week, once a week.
2. Not receiving help during depression.
3. Being callous towards my little brother, he did not deserve it.
4. I was brash to my stepfather.
5. For the trouble, I was putting on Sean.
6. Discontinuing ballet, tap, and gymnastics.

Now, I regret sending the test to Longridge Writer's Group. I have been accepted, and I am well pleased that I have, however there comes a cost which I am unable to commit; also, the lack of motivation, dedication, and heart. My heart is not there, or perhaps I am not confident enough to pull through it. Although I would love to join, and I have not been accepted in this way to the point that it is overly flattering, I am unable too because I need to save my money for important things.

I would love to be published nationwide or in distinguished magazines or other publishers; but, that is a dream, and not the only dream, I have to put on hold.

My loneliness is slowly dying; or, perhaps I am learning to accept it.

I have been rather shallow, lately. One of my reasons for that is so I do not have to confront any of my inane feelings or thoughts. The other, is so that I do not have to talk about them.

I have been forcing myself to write, which is not always good; however, it is helpful because I shy away from myself.

I believe one of my biggest flaws is the lack of confrontation, within.

Derrick Brown

He is brilliant.

My boyfriend and I (surprisingly, he came) saw him at the Found Theatre in Long Beach. Originally, I was slightly interested on seeing Amber; however, Derrick took that spell from me. Sean enjoyed him, as well (but, he did not melt in his seat like I did.), and we enjoyed Brendan Constantine for his intensity and laugh.

He may be the one poet I really admire.
His words are alive, but his performance brings them to a different level.

The clutch is off.

++++++

I am considering when I become angry or upset with someone, I will meditate on it. I will not necessarily move on, but I will simply forgive and breathe.

I have the propensity to stay angry or upset for a few days. Nevertheless, I will consider my disposition silently, instead of making it in to some evil. Hence, my equilibrium will be steady.

I was caught dozing off at work; however, I was on my lunch-break.

"What are you thinking, ______?"
I smile, surprised. I didn't realize what I was thinking of until I snapped back to where I was.

It was his look that he kept giving me, that kept my mind busy. I was confused about what he meant with those stares and words; words that were so deep, and words that I could not understand. I was trying so hard to remember the things he said that were of a very high, intelligence-rank thought that is inspiring and fresh; however, they were too long.

He spoke of how there is only one time in your life that is a "light," and worth trying for. I was very attentive, but the background was too unforgiving. His way of expressing it was in a way of poetry and philosophy. I cannot forgive myself for being unable to remember it all!

He was speaking of life, to control yourself, don't live for the past, don't live for the future, but live for the present, because each day has significance to the rest of your life.

I have never felt so horrible.
I have not done anything wrong, so why do I feel so guilty?

St. Patrick's Day

I have not been so moved, confused, and sympathetic in one night.


Saturday, I went to Brandon's house and co-workers of mine were there, along with some of their friends. I brought the poster and book for Mark, and I was only looking forward to see him.

I found out more about his folly, I have known he would have done that sincerely because of his loyalty and kindness. It is that loyalty and kindness though that got him in trouble, but it was not his actions that had him fired- it was the word of the mouth.

The one who knows the debacle told me, everything; I could not believe that she would start it. She is a kind and magnanimous girl, but no one is perfect. If she did not tell her friend, my co-worker, the chain would not have started, and Mark will still have his job.

I have never been infuriated with so many people at once. Their character would not have done what the misunderstood one has done, and it upsets me that they did this to someone they loved and enjoyed being with.

Nevertheless, I was the only one sober at the party.
I played with Brandon's nephew during the half of the party, but my back started to hurt and I wanted to stop. This four year old and his puppy eyes would not allow me to say no, but thank goodness Mark came and started to distract him with magic tricks with his cards.

We went back inside, and I was accompanied with Gary through most of the game on the couch. We conversed about the same things and once a group started to smoke, we went outside and continued talking. Brandon came out maybe ten or fifteen minutes later, and apologized. He can always make me laugh, and I appreciate that he is a gentleman. I was glad he came out, because I did not want to be alone with Gary for too long. There are times when I treasure my space, and I needed that; he was becoming too personal and close to me that night.

Others started to come out one-by-one. Moments later, all of us returned inside.
The first person I saw was Mark, and I have never felt as sorry for anyone as I did that night. He looked wasted and tired.

I took a seat on an armchair, and watched the last fight.
Mark started moving around spewing things, offending others and being very obnoxious.

Henceforth, most of the people left, and there was Ariana and Adriana, Gary, Mark, Brandon, Javier, and Elvis. I began to feel comfortable, until Gary started to become too close to me. I did not like that he was hanging onto me, and leaving his arm around my waist; so, I quickly got up, rushed to the kitchen looking for something to drink, and grabbed the only thing that does not contain alcohol: Coke.

Mark was there, along with Javier and Elvis.
Mark, speaking, kept falling backwards.

"I'm gonna ask you a serious question," he slurred as he came close to me. I was expecting to smell alcohol from him, or weed, but I did not. Perhaps I was too overwhelmed as I was.
I leaned in closer, exposing our developing friendship and playfulness as he did the same. "What?" I asked, smiling.
"Now, don't be offended, but do you really- I mean, really listen to 'Patience,'? Because, I can play the song, perfectly. Do you really listen to Guns N Roses?"
"I knew you didn't believe me. Why? You think I don't?" I smirked as I took a sip of my Coke.
"Wow..."
I shouldn't be surprised; I knew he was going to be acting somewhat like this; however, I played along, "What?"
"Just- wow... it's weird. You're weird."
"You're weird,"
"You're weirder,"
I laughed.
"Do you? Do you really listen to them?"

I sighed and looked at him; I did not expect him to remember how the song Patience felt like a big part of who I am. I remained calm and serene, remembering the times when I was a little girl of how I was innocent but aware of things, untroubled and personally, in myself, felt secure. However, I knew there were troubles, but I did not question anything. I knew there were times when my mom was going to send me to an orphanage, but I fell to her knees and begged her to keep me and that I promise to be a good girl if she just kept me.

"When I was younger," I began, "when my parents were going through trouble, my step dad and I would go into the car, and he'd blast Guns N Roses, roll the windows down, and speed through the desert. It was our way of getting out."
"Wow, you're amazing," he began laughing as he toppled backwards.
"You can go ahead and ask my step dad, if he was here, and he would tell you," I laughed. I looked at his eyes, "I think you need to sit down, Mark. Please. Either on the couch or on the floor," I said, sympathetically, "well, perhaps on the floor, since I don't think you can make it there," I said laughing at him as I reached my hand to keep him from falling.

He looked at me as he put his hand on the counter to keep himself balanced.
"What?" I asked, puzzled.
"What?"
I laughed, but asked very empathetically, "Are you ok? I really think you should sit down." I kept persisting, although I knew it was not going anywhere.
He started to speak in Spanish, I looked at him with eyes widen, confused and curious.
"You are so beautiful. You are amazing. You are a wonderful and great person," he said. He leaned closer, "keep staying in control." He kept on going, saying those same things over, and over again.
"No," I said, "you don't mean that. You're probably talking about someone else." He looked at me; his eyes and expression started to look serious, "you don't believe me?"
I hesitated; I wanted to believe him but I could not, "No, I don't," I said slowly and quietly.
His eyes were still on mine; he smirked, "Well, at least you're honest."

He toppled over in front of me, and leaned against the refrigerator. Every time he spoke to me, he leaned closer, almost whispering. When he seemed serious, I stood straight, put my drink down and my hands behind my back and looked directly at him. I persisted for him to sit down.

"You cannot do anything wrong," he said. I looked at him.
"You can't see me falling back wards, can you?" I asked. He looked at me, and said no.
"Or, you can't see me indulging as you are now, do you?"
No.
"You can't see me breaking down, could you?" He was silent, and stared at me, intently.
"Remember, you said that you and I are alike?" How, he asked.
"You even said that you can see right through me, as I do you. You're not okay. You are not happy, and I understand, so I am not going to preach you about it."
"Wow," was all he can say.
I started to become anxious, "What?"
"You're amazing,"
I don't know how many times I have to hear this. Come to think of it- I don't know if he meant that as sarcasm, to make fun of me, or what else. At that time, I thought he was sincere about it, but then again, I knew he was wasted.
"You have beautiful lips,"
I smiled and laughed.

Suddenly, he starts speaking very beautifully. Poetically. Philosophically. This is what I admire most of him. His mind, and now- his heart. Some of the things he was saying were, "you are perfect; you are unique, and no one can replace a light in a lifetime... stay in control... there are moments that are worth coming for you (at this time, I did not know who he was speaking of)," then, "you are amazing and perfect the way you are. You are beautiful," he raised his hand and gently brushed a part of my bangs away from my eyes. He began speaking in Spanish, as Javier came along to grab some food. Javier's back was turned as Mark continued speaking in Spanish to him, and I looked at Javier's face. He looked grave and sympathetic. Then he walked away.

I wanted to tell Mark that what he said was beautiful. He said he isn't a poet, but he is.

He looked back at me and spoke in Spanish again. "I don't know what you're saying," I said, yearning to know.
"And I hope you never will,"
He continued, then, "Stay in control..." at this point the background was unforgiving. I was not able to hear what he was saying as he was about to turn away. I became desperate, "Wait- stop!" He kept on speaking; I wanted to tell him I could not hear and that I want to understand, but this was happening too quickly. "Mark!" He finally walked away, and spoke with someone else. I just stood there, and grabbed my soda. I felt my nerves rushing through my body.

He came back, I did not say anything, and neither did he. He grabbed a bottle, and two shot glasses.
"No," I said, as I tried taking it away from him, "no more, Mark,"
"______, what are you doing?"
"You have to stop," I tried to give my warmest smile, as he wanted to make this funny.
"Don't," and said something I was unable to hear.
I felt fingers on my lower back.
"Let him, ______," the fingers turned into a palm and grasp. It was Gary. I became quiet and looked the other way. I wanted his hands off me.

Brandon finally came, and I turned away and sat on the couch. Gary sat next to me.


Moving forward, Mark started pissing off Elvis; Javier and Iris (she came while Mark and I were talking, and Ariana and Adriana left) took their conversation outside as things started to heat up. I tried staying away from Gary as much as I can.

Brandon, for some reason, started telling me that Mark just lost his job, and that he has never been like this before. He said that everything he is expressing is honest, and began speaking of how amazing, loyal, and a genius Mark is. The thing is- I know that already. He assured me, which I knew, that he is out of it.
Brandon started boasting of how polite I am, and how great I am at work. Mark cuts in, and Carl translates what he just said. Basically, they were, "you're perfect," "you always smile, even if you are having a bad day," "you have a great personality," "you are beautiful," blah blah blah. All those things that I want to hear if someone is sober.

Gary finally went outside, and I felt at ease.
Brandon started talking some more about Mark. Of how loyal and a great friend he is, and how he wishes to be like him.
Then, Gary comes back, sits behind me, and I managed to listen to both of them speak at the same time. They were in their own worlds, unaware of each other.

At first, he was going to give me a ride home, but, with how uncomfortable I was, I told him he can take Elvis home, and I will go home with Iris.

He went outside, upset. I'm not sure if it was about me, or the text message he received. Brandon followed behind as he asked me why they went outside, and told me to watch Mark, as he fell asleep.




I could not help but feel nervous about how much I care for him. I don't want anyone knowing. I feel guilty for caring too much. It feels like I have betrayed Sean, in some way.

I want to spend my life with Sean. I will admit that I want Mark to be in my life also. I learn so much from him, and I admire his creativity, mind, and heart.

He says I'm a good person. He does not think he is.
He is.

Sean and I have been in arguments and irate lately, and I believe I am most to blame.

Since last week when he decided to give the ticket away to some stranger, I have been bitter towards him. Perhaps I need to get over it. However, he has been showing a lack of interest in me aside from sex, so maybe it is permissible for me to have some anger towards him. That has been happening for a while now.

I love him to death. I want to be with him until we are old. He makes me laugh; he is sweet, and intelligent. He just treats me as a little girl, and what I love and want to do is silly.

I can push everything to the side for him and show genuine attentiveness. He does not. When he says he will spend a day with me, just him and me, he invites someone else. When he brings my hopes up, he crashes it down so quickly.


Therefore, to fill this void, poetry helps. Tomorrow, dancing will help as I finally spend some time with my co-workers.
I admit that I am scared of what I can possibly do: drink too much and so-forth. I promised him, but mainly myself, not to drink and do something stupid that can ruin everything.

I have spoken with him about how I felt and what I thought, however, he ends up falling asleep or daydreaming.

Christina Aguilera - Back to Basics concert

Last night was amazing.
She gets better every time I see her.
She leaves me speechless, amazed, and quietly ecstatic.

...............................
...............................

I did not buy the tickets, my co-worker did. He invited me, and how can I refuse? However, it turns out that he is not able to go because of poor judgment on his part or friends. I am unaware of the details, but he will be in jail for 45 days.

I received an envelope from a woman while I was at work while it was extremely busy.
"You're ______?"
Surprised and confused, I smiled, "Yes,"
She hands me an envelope with my name written in capital letters on the front. The writing looked familiar, but I put it to the side and continued what I was doing.

I went to the break room and tore the envelope; there was this excitement in my hands, and my face felt flushed.

There was another envelope, and the words, 'Have fun. - ____ ______'





Henceforth, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go. I told him, and I was sincere and completely honest with him, that he does not need to go because I can ask one of my other co-workers to go with me, instead.

He said yes.

"You don't have to go, if you don't want too? Are you sure?"
"Yes," and I believed him when he said that he wanted to spend time with me.

It turned out three hours before the concert- he did not. He gave his ticket away to his co-worker.

Now, I will not explain how that happened, because I have to get ready for work in a few minutes.

Nevertheless, here is the reason I logged on: I believed his decision is wrong and inconsiderate. I told him many times he does not have to go; I just needed to find someone to go with me. I knew he is not interested, but he said he wanted to spend time with me. I told him a plethora of times that I will bring M.G.* with me, because I know she wants to go.

I believed it was wrong because he did not consider that his ticket was originally ____'s, and I explained to him why it was wrong and put him in the position of what it felt like to know that you spend your money on two tickets, originally for one self and another (me). Therefore, if any thing were to happen, I shall bring someone we know.

How would you like to know that the ticket you paid for was given to some stranger?

Apparently, I am out of school. I was unaware of this.

I only had two credits left.
I had/have no control over this.

Who is it up too?
Unfortunately, it is not me.

.....................
.....................

I was on my lunch-break at work and I saw on my cell that the ________ ______ returned my call. I called back, and asked for Stacy*.

I cannot comprehend what had happened. My thoughts are muddled and tired. My eyes are tired.

I want to do something about it; however, I did not sign any contract because I was under aged. That means, although I can do something about it now, I am in no control of it; someone else is. The only way I am able to have control of this debacle is-- if this someone else finishes one thing off for me to be re-entered in to my school, then I am able to graduate high school. Humph. I wonder what it is.

The other thing that upsets me is that this person knew, and never told me.


A co-worker did not make it easy on me once I calmed down.
He is the type that complains all the time, does not work, and brags about how he makes a plethora of cash. I was fine with him at first. I was nice, and possibly the only nice person to him there.
He has to talk about money, business, and how he wishes someone told him about this, when he was nineteen. No, it was not about school, but a business, that sounds like a fraud. Apparently, it isn't. However, I have heard this before and I made it clear to him.

"It's not a pyramid,"
"Well, I have heard about this before, and I don't want to do it."

He stops, throws his arms up to the air and exclaims how know one believes him, and started bantering as he opened the door from the break room. I felt relieved. I thought he would leave me alone. I felt exhausted as it is.

I went ahead from behind, he continued complaining, and turned around and asked me, "How old are you?"
I picked up my pace and went ahead of him, "Nineteen,"
"Man... I wish someone told me about this when I was nineteen,"
That was enough. That broke everything. I faced him and looked him straight in the eye, "I'm not interested; I don't want to get involved with other's business', especially with their money. It is not my place to do that," he cuts me off, saying it is not like that, "I've heard this all before, and it's the same thing-" he cuts me off again, breaks a chord; I have had enough. I understood then why no one liked him. "You know what? Don't talk to me about this; I already have enough as it is.” My voice started breaking towards the end. He just laughs and goes on talking while walking away.

I was trembling and dizzy. I walked to the register trying to calm down and Maria looked at me and asked what was wrong; I could not hide it anymore.


After I calmed down with her in the break room, we went back to the front and after two minutes, my boss asked to speak with me.
I told him what he has been doing. Not just to me, but everyone else. He had two warnings already. Another one after this incident will get him fired.

I do not ask for many things or anything at all.

All I ask for is for you to show me that I am appreciated, not through money or your essential need for sex.

I dislike loneliness over a length of time.

I am bored and unmotivated at present. I lack energy and self-proficiency while garnering my thoughts in to an unpleasant puzzle. I feel a little empty, but that is nothing.

I do not find myself a wreck; I think I am rather stable, emotionally. I have been handling my emotions, or I like to think so. Perhaps unfortunately; though, it will not last long.

Sometimes, I believe trying is not enough.



Perhaps I will type about my new haircut. However, I do not want to be so vain as to talk about my new haircut.
It is about two inches pass my shoulder. Bangs and layered around my face with life at the back. It is possibly the most exciting thing in my life; however, that is all I will say.

A co-worker and I are headed to Long Beach for this fishing and tackle show (although, I have no idea what it is!) this-coming Wednesday. She will be giving me a ride since I have no car. I believe we are going to be cashiers there ...

Oh, I just remembered! I am going to a concert this-coming Tuesday. Now there is more than one thing-exciting happening. :)

psychoanalyze yourself

{from myspace.}

I found this interesting. [here is a side note: meaning of the word interesting is soul searching and intelligence-ranking thought; not interesting as puzzling or unusual, and what-not.]

k, I have to go to bed. I need to get up in seven hours... :/

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Psychoanalyze Yourself:
Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind. Then read which each answer means. (No cheating!)

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?
um, Sean

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
a cool, mysterious, dark wolf

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
There is an intense stare. I feel my chest yearning to come closer, but I know I can't; nevertheless, I would smile and stay out of its way.

4. You walk deeper into the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size.
Not too big, nor small. A perfect size for a small family and pets.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
maybe a cute little one, but not really I guess... There are a line of flowers and earth-stones... I would consider those my "fence."

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?
On: the table is wooden, and there are place mats beneath the clean plates, etc. Two candles in the middle. A small glass filled with popery...
around it: chairs. empty chairs. On one wall there is a painting. Another, a small table.

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
plastic

8. What do you do with the cup?
First of all, how did it get there, and why is it placed so nicely and cleaned? I'm a little freaked. I would throw it away, but I start to feel anxious and leave it.


9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What kind of body of water?
A beautiful and clear ocean

10. How will you cross the water?
I don't want too. It's too beautiful to enter, and leave...

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1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.


2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.


3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.


4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.


5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.

8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

Does it mean anything that you can make me feel so alone?

I would like to think that I have people close to me. People to talk to me. People I can talk too. I like to pretend I do; however, in the back of my mind and deep in my chest I feel that I have no one.
I have lost people. I have lost friendship.
Perhaps my mother is right. When I am with you, I will lose everyone.

I don't want to blame this on you; although this feeling is telling me that she is right. I understand if you would not want me to go somewhere, and I also understand why you will say what you say if I did not want you to go anywhere, with many people.
For you it's ok, because you have never been close to anyone; only me.

All I want is someone to be there to listen and talk to me about anything.


I go to work with a smile on my face and a laugh to brighten others day, because I want this void to be ignored.

I am forcing my fingers to dance on the keys...

Work is good. I like my job; granted- I don’t like the customers, sometimes, but the people who works there are awesome; I hate walking to work everyday, but it is worth it once I have my check.

School is also being tough. All I need is two-and-a-half credits and I can graduate; and I am able to do that in two months, the most! My mom has not paid my home school for almost a year. It turns out that I may end up paying the 1K+/-.

It is difficult, because most of my check goes to bills and rent, and if I am lucky enough, I can buy new shoes and clothes (in due time, I have too.). Now that the holidays are over, I hope I am able to save enough and go to college this fall.

In candour, I was not fully happy in Vegas. Granted, I am not saying I am happier here, in California.

When I lived in Vegas, it was tougher and depressing, overall. There were times when I just wanted it to end. There were times when I almost did let it end. I did not have anyone personal to talk too during high school, and it turns out that friends are not really friends. Therefore, many of them have dropped from my life, but they do not know that. In a way, I gave up on them, because it seemed like they have given up on me a long time ago. Henceforth, plethora of things happened in 2005 and 2006. When I think about it, it seems like it has happened many years ago, in a few years.

I can say that I am happy, and I am genuine about it. Sure, Sean and I are going through our difficulties, but we go through it, together, and we are happier once we step over an obstacle. Who said life was/is easy? It doesn't matter if they say, "you make it that way," it does not matter when or how it is difficult, because life is always going to have something thrown in your face.

Nevertheless, there were those moments when I was genuinely happy in Vegas; but all of that is in the past, and presently things are what they are and I accept them (whether I like it, or not.). However, since I lived here, my eyes have opened. That, in itself, makes me happy.

Perhaps, I am happier here.

It bothers me when my parents brings me into their drama. If I say anything remotely offensive or "rude" to my mother, she will throw a fit and cry, uncontrollably. My step father will cuss in tagalog (sp? I don't care) and that is the end of it.

She is the most stubborn and selfish person I know. I know where I get my tenacity from, but I hope it is not as bad as hers!

He-- I don't know what to say about him. I pity him, sometimes. So, I won't say anything; aside from that he can be an ass, like every one else.

I haven't recieved my W2 form. I called my work and the corporate office; they didn't help much.

I really need to save my money. No more gifts! No more lending!
I have to start paying my school, and it is close to $1,000.
My mother is unable to do it, so I have to pay it off. I want to receive my English credit and my last two, then I can graduate high school. But now, I don't make enough. Plus, my money goes to the rent, my phone bill, and cable/internet bills. I'm left with less than $50. I hope it does not take a long time. I don't want to ask for help from my step dad because he is going through enough. My relatives does not know I'm home schooled, and I don't want them knowing what we are going through.

It's not pride or embarrassment.
In candor, I don't care if they knew I'm home schooled, without a car, and live in the ghetto- at least I live somewhere and have a job and paying bills, on top of that- at least I'm not as selfish, conceited, and superficial like their children who has it made for them. I don't think I am better than them, but those things bug me and I stay away from people like that after knowing them for years; unless there is something deep and they are like that, then I won't be as hard on them about being the way they are.
The point is I am not ashamed of where I am. Sure I may get upset if they say anything (because I am sensitive), but they are the reason why I am working harder and trying to grow in to a sensible and a better person for myself. Also, it is my drive to show them that I am not a "loser" or that I am "ruining" my life. I'm working and trying in my life, and I know that I am not a failure. I make mistakes and I know I am not as strong as I want to be; but I'm here, and I'm making the best of it- the smart way.

Seven Sins & Virtues

Seven Sins & Virtues

“The desire to acquire what we don’t have determines our future choices...”# and the desire of perfection can be a misleading way to believe in something that is right. The effect people present now affects others in different ways; such as believing one thing is right and only right, especially when religion is involved; or how one has been accustomed to believe in something with such tenacity that it is unbearable for others to hear. This can create chaos within self and people. Sometimes, someone would believe in justice- believing what he or she are doing is better for humanity and et cetera, but justice can be taken out-of context or too far. Presently, most Americans are unaware of the vices they make: there is this unintentional avoidance between what is right or wrong, and since it is obtuse, mistakes bound to happen.

The mistakes can be right or wrong; what is moral and immoral is rightly up to the user. These morals are by observation, education, or by emotional or moral experience. Further, I will discuss the seven dimensions of emotional and moral experience.

I will briefly introduce you to what it is first: there are pairings and positions of energies that create the emotional and experimental level of sins and virtues. There are three: existential, life, and interpenetration#; we will see how they are connected and what the effects are.

Charles Panati, in his Sacred Origins of Profound Things, drew up eight sins or offences, and list them according to seriousness: gluttony, lust, avarice (greed or wealth), sadness, anger, acedia (absence of caring), vainglory, and pride.# The most offensive sin is self and pride, which believed to have taken away God's influence and love. As the sixth century ends, Pope Gregory the Great reduced the list to seven, and ordered them by offence against love from serious to least: pride, envy, anger, sadness, avarice, gluttony, and lust. However, by the late 17th century, the Church replaced sadness with sloth, since sadness was too vague.#

The Church hierarchy emphasized teaching the deadly sins and heavenly virtues throughout the Middle Ages,# and the Roman Catholic Church divided the sins in to two types of sins, the venial and capital sins. (Details will be shortly after.) The seven deadly sins are capital vices, or cardinal sins. They were used for Christian teachings to educate and protect followers from the immoral tendency to sin.# This went as far as implementing fear into the mind of an individual, and segregating and condemning others as well.

I have garnered the present definitions of the sins. They are now (from deadliest-to-not) pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth.
Pride is the excessive belief in one’s abilities. It interferes with the recognition of the grace of God, and is known as vanity;# this could be started when teachers say, “believe in your self.” Pride means to be better or more attractive than someone or others, fails to give credit when credit is due, and is full of them self.#
Envy is the desire of others’ traits, status, abilities, or situation;# an envious individual does this when they are ashamed of who they are, social standing, family, family heritage, and so on. However, once the admiration takes the best of the individual, they can be tenacious, pessimistic, probably forlorn, angry, fake, et cetera. The admiration is now envy. Others may be smarter, luckier and attractive, better, successful, and beautiful, but there is a fine line between admiration and jealousy. Envy means the strong desire for excessive love and success,# and that is something a plethora of people has.
Next of the seven deadly sins is gluttony. Like envy, gluttony is excessive. It is the desire to consume more than required. This could be done by how the person was raised,# how they feel during the moment, or if they are bored. It can also be associated with destructive behaviour, such as substance abuse.#
The one that everyone experiences is lust: it is the craving for pleasures of the body.# Lust, like gluttony and envy, is excessive. It is one of the strongest desires among teens and adolescents. Lust is out of control when the individual commits bestiality, rape, or incest. This is prevented if the individual did not feel ignored as a child, or thought their friendship, love, or acceptance is unwanted#; some will say they have a mental illness, but that will be a different story and requires its own thorough research. Before I go off topic, I will move on to the next deadly sin: anger.
Anger is one of the daily “sins” people come across. Whether wearing your anger on your sleeve or holding it in, and deny it or not, everyone gets angry, and it is only natural for person A to hit a breaking point of person B. Moreover, there would be a build up of irrational, redundant, and a debacle of sorts to finally stress you out and break you apart. I believe anger is the driving force of desire. Why is that? Anger drives the individual to spurn love and opts for fury. This happens when they are irate, wired, stressed, et cetera.# The stronger word of anger is wrath, and that is the denial of truth, self-denial, impatience with the law, revenge, or wanting to do harm to others.#

You can see many of this in history, the news, books, and by the ones around you. Anger, even how deadly it can be, is unavoidable. For instance, people go through emotional and physical abuse by the person that is angry within self, others, or an experience. Think of history figures that have caused so much hatred and anger, such as the notorious Hitler; or, a bully at school, parents, friends, media, et cetera. The list can go on.

The sixth deadliest sin is greed. How many Americans are greedy? The answer is a lot. Personally, that disgusts me. Greed is a desire of material wealth, gain, and ignoring the realm of the spiritual. Who are doing this? The ones that were pampered, is pampered, and the ones that yearns for status.# Again, another excessive sin. Greed can be associated with disloyalty, deliberate betrayal, treason, scavenging, theft, robbery, and so on.# Am I allowed to be saying that greed is very clichéd? I meet so many people like this that I do not even want to explain or analyze so much more of it. Who has not met greedy people, anyway?
Now, the final sin is sloth. Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. People would do this when they are lazy, upset, or mad.# Sloth is associated with depression and discontentment. Many people experience this, especially teenagers and adolescents.#

"Greed is to be slightly blamed but it is slow to change. Hatred is to be greatly blamed but it is
quick to change. Delusion is to be greatly blamed and it is slow to change." - Buddha

Here is a side note: ponder how the sins create a delusion. People make up many of the sins; first, there is greed; you are hungry for something; then, the false admiration for those in envy, the depressing sloth, the pompous pride, the common lust for pleasure, the passionate anger, and the carnivorous gluttony. There is a delusion in each of these, and they are not so easily to change.

Finally, as I stated above, the two types of sins: venial and capital (or mortal) sins.
People believe they forgiven from their sins, by sacraments; this is called venial sin. This can range from inane types of sacraments, such as giving up smoking or sex. On the other hand, it can go as far as animal or human sacraments. This can be parallel to the famed play, “The Crucible,” with these young girls accusing women of being witches, and condemning them to be unholy; the girls are “pure,” but has their “deadly” secret.

The capital sin, or mortal sin, is killing the life of grace and risking eternal damnation. Unless in a sacramental confession, they believe God forgives their sins; this is common in Catholic Churches. There are people who will tell all that they have done in a confessional booth to a priest, and are later told that they are “blessed” and “forgiven”.#
Each sin has a specific punishment. According to The Picture Book of Devils by Ernst and Johanna Lehner, they concluded that each sin was associated with an animal, colour, and punishment in hell.

For instance, the sin pride is associated with the animal, horse; its colour is violet and the punishment in hell is broken on the wheel. Envy is the dog; its colour is green and the punishment: placed in freezing water. Anger is associated with the bear, colour red, and being dismembered alive. Sloth’s animal is the goat; colour is light blue and the punishment: thrown in a snake pit. The animal, frog, is associated with the colour yellow, and put in cauldrons of boiling water; this is greed. Gluttony is the pig, its colour is orange and the punishment: forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes. Finally, there is lust. Lust is associated with the cow, the colour blue and smothered in fire and brimstone. # Here is a table of the figurative punishments:


SIN ANIMAL COLOR PUNISHMENT
Pride Horse Violet Broken on the wheel
Envy Dog Green Put in freezing water
Anger Bear Red Dismembered alive
Sloth Goat Light blue Thrown in snake pit
Greed Frog Yellow Put in cauldrons of boiling water
Gluttony Pig Orange Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
Lust Cow Blue Smothered in fire and brimstone


Durante Degli Alighieri, known as Dante Alighieri or simply by the name Dante, is Italy’s greatest poet. His greatest work is “la Divina Commedia“, translated: “The Divine Comedy.” According to Dante, he turned the figurative punishments in to realistic punishments. He separated them in to three sins; the cold sins (perverted love); sins of improper measure (defective love) and warm sins.# Henceforth, the cold sins include pride, envy, and anger. Those with “pride” will carry heavy stones; envious ones will have their eyes sealed, and the ones who are angry will be “a flamed” (die in fire, injured in fire, die from lung cancer, such as smoking, et cetera). Sin of improper measure is sloth. They will be constantly running from something, thus, achieving nothing. They are what people call, “losers.” Now for the third are warm sins. Warm sins are excess, excessive love. The sins are avarice, gluttony, and lust. An avarice individual will spend life in prostitution, gold digging, lives their life without meaning and real love, and just for the expensive things. Gluttonous punishment is starvation, or leaving with too much “excess” in the body. Lust, like envy, is going to be associated with fire. Like a candle, they will burn the night away, and quickly go out.

Parallel to the sinful is the virtuous. First, there are three types of virtues: the contrary virtues, theological virtues, and the cardinal virtues. The cardinal virtues are prudence, temperance, courage, and justice. Classic Greek philosophers believed these were equally important to all people, not just Christians. Theological virtues are love, hope, and faith; this is through baptism, and the Church believed these there were not natural to men. Contrary virtues, also known as the holy virtues, includes humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality, and diligence.#

The basic and modern type of virtues is holy virtues.
Chastity means purity, courage, boldness, embracing moral wholeness and wholesomeness, achieving purity of light and practicing abstinence.
Abstinence is self-control, constant mindfulness of others and one's surrounding, and moderation.
Liberality means will, generosity, and nobility of thoughts and actions.
Diligence is a zealous and careful individual to one's actions or work; they have decisive work ethics, and act energetically without excessive reflection.


Patience is peace, forbearance, and the endurance through moderation. The ones
with patience resolves conflicts peacefully, forgive and show mercy to sinners.
Kindness is personal satisfaction, charity, compassion, and friendship.
Last, humility is having the modesty, selflessness, respect, giving credit when credit is due, and not glorifying their self-worth.#

The seven heavenly virtues are faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, temperance, and prudence. This combines the four cardinal virtues: prudence, temperance, fortitude or courage, and justice, with a variation of the theological virtues of hope, faith, and charity.#

For every vice, there is a virtue.

Pride is the vice against the virtue humility.
Greed is the vice against the virtue generosity.
Envy is the vice against the virtue love.
Wrath is the vice against the virtue kindness.
Lust is the vice against the virtue self-control.
Gluttony is the vice against the virtue faith and temperance, and
Sloth is the vice against the virtue zeal.

Pride means seeing ourselves, as we are not or as we are. Humility means not comparing ourselves to others. Pride and vanity are competitive and can mean differently. Greed, or avarice, usually revolves around money or things. Generosity, the opposite of greed, meaning letting others receive credit or praise; something greed does not have. Generosity is giving without expecting anything in return, or expecting their fair share. Envy resents others and the good of others receive or might receive. Love, the opposite of envy, actively seeks the good of others for their sake. Wrath, or anger, is against the virtue kindness, or patience. Ones that are kind take a tender approach with patience and compassion. Wrath or anger, suppress’ the tender approach and instead are impatient and tend to react with anger, as their first reaction to problems. Lust is against the virtue chastity or self-control. Self-control prevents the soul from “suffocating,” as lust is about sex, power, and image, if not used well. Gluttony can pertain to entertainment or provisions and company. Temperance achieves balance with control of natural limits of pleasures. Finally, sloth is against the virtue zeal, or enthusiasm. It is the response of the heart to “God’s command.” Other sins work together to zap the spiritual sense to become slow to respond to the command of God and “drift completely into sleep.”#

In the beginning, I briefly introduced the emotional and experimental levels of developing human character with vices and virtues, and the three axis’: existential, life, and interpenetration. I will now explain the emotional and moral experiences’, and how connected the vices and virtues we make, are, and their affects and effects.

First off, what do the axis’ mean? Well, existential is the axis of anger with patience and pride with humility. They are emotional polarities of the identity of self and other. For instance, we become angry towards others and feel ashamed of ourselves for what others might think. This is the up and down axis. From front-to-back is the life axis; it is envy with abnegation (avoidance) and greed with sobriety (abstinence, seriousness, dullness). The axis represents emotional polarities that define “trajectories,“ or simply, how our lives are shaped and developed over time: what we envy, what we don’t have but might get, shapes our futures and our greed- is to amass and accumulate, and build structures out of unconscious memory. The left-right axis is interpenetration, or experience and perception. This axis connects “identity” and “life.” It experiences with the being of or with energies of sense perception and associated moral dimensions. Desire is the left hand, or lechery, which is largely unconscious, contact with the sensuous reality; this is the internal and external axis. The right hand shows what perception is: an action towards an action, or to stimulate a response; avarice is the action of grasping, which is another way to look at it.


Sloth is the seventh deadly sin, and its correspondent virtue is joy, which defines emotions that are at the centre of our being. Anger and shame, envy and greed, or lechery and avarice are not in relation with sloth, and its virtue, joy. Lechery is giving into desire as avarice is acting on one, and of this implies neither the temporality of envy and greed, nor the self-other problems of anger and shame.

This is a map of experience, or sense perception, and existence (the self-other) in life (the future and past). Since sloth and joy are at the centre of our being, it is our psyche (human soul and mind). Sloth and joy are the "manic-depression" of the soul and the energy that is bounded by freedom of ego. #



Neurobiological research indicates that the conscious is largely unconscious and emotional. The graph above shows a very close connection of what the seven vices and virtues really are: emotions, or the feeling of what is to happen or what happens. What they called as sins in classical times, is now called emotions; they are treated with drugs, prescribed or un-prescribed, or by entertainment.

The sins ought not to indicate as deadly, because they are not; the sins are destroying the mortal soul. They ought not to indicate as seven deadly sins, rather, they ought to indicate as the seven capital vices, which convey the thought that the sins are not sinful, but habits; bad habits, I might add, and they are merely spontaneous actions one will make without thinking. Perhaps they say seven deadly sins to scare people or maybe it is snappier and simple than the seven capital vices.

Vices are what people make them to be. Human beings are meant to make mistakes, and sometimes these mistakes can be harmful to others and them self.

According to Dante, anger, pride, and envy are the hottest sins because they determine the "evolutionary" development of the individual.# Meaning, ones anger, pride and envy creates an aura, confidence, and thought of this person. This person, likely, is pessimistic. When pessimism becomes stronger, this could lead to depression, or as the vice, sloth. Depression can lead in to something stronger-- something that can be inevitable and self destructive in the human soul: suicide. This is what happens when delusion has not been back to reality.

It does not have to go that far, but other choices can lead to what the future will hold, or not, for an individual. "The desire to acquire what we don't have determines our future choices," and our greedy and sober actions define the past actions one has done. Others are impatient with others or self-objects and fills them selves with ambition.# This is why Dante believed anger, pride, and envy are the hottest sins, because they are the common things we see everyday, and they are strong and the driving forces of other's belief.

Many things are unwanted and denied. Many things affect us, from the affects others do if they believed it to be right or wrong. Some will be in denial of something or a person; like a death. After some one has died, how long would it take to have that person who lost the one they love, on their feet, again? That is depressing. Some will act on their denial, some will go to extremes for what they want or not want. Many of the things people do today creates an effect in the future. Many will condemn others for what they are or for what they do, and sometimes, they are the same as the one's they are condemning, out of guilt, past, and more.

Francois duc la Rochefoucauld once said, “Hypocrisy is the homage vice pays to virtue,” how many times will you meet someone like this in your lifetime? How many times will you do this? Is it out of guilt, or do you truly believe in it, while knowing that you are not like that, whatsoever? How many times will you hurt someone because you have been hurt many times before? Does that person deserve it out of your malice, your spite or bitterness?
Homage is the gift and price vice ought to pay virtue. Homage means to give respect, or be allied. Maybe hypocrisy is enough.

There are two positions: distinctions and differentials. Distinction deals with an overlap of categories of sensation, emotion, and feeling. Differential is the question of repression, associated mechanisms, and the relationship of splitting and projection. Over all, this is how the future connects with the past; and only in time can you have either an affect or effect, since the affect reflects the effect.#

There are many who wish the entire struggle within, struggle in society, the war that stands for peace, and all those good things, hope that this-- the pain, suffering, careless mistakes, and condemnation and its ignorance, would just simply go away. Will it ever go away? Can it go away? There is only one thing you can do: tolerate. There are many messed up people, many heartless people, and many ignorant people; the best you can do is make today, tomorrow, and the next, the best you can. Make the best choices from the bottom of your heart and clearness and openness of your mind. Let the big guys of our nation handle the hunger, the prices, the war et cetera; and let us hope they handle it the best way they can. Let us hope the voices who are speaking for humanity, animals, and the natural environment are given a chance to be heard, and at least help change one part of the world. On the other hand, not change, but simply make better.