The past month has been far better than I could have imagined; however, it felt incredibly slow. I joined three bible studies, a fellowship group, and felt more at ease and fulfilled.
For years, I have been looking for fulfillment, and the one thing that filled that void has always been around. My faith.
Going back to God is a new step for me. It's the best thing for me, and the one thing that really keeps me from falling or being broken. I still get confused of some people or instances, doubtful, angry, or sad, but I learned to let them go.
Before high school, I had plenty of faith and hope. I thought I had morals, but it could have been pride; however, I felt unfulfilled and dissatisfied to an extent.
In high school, I was not myself. I believed if I were like my peers in my forensics class (I had nothing else in my life at that point; music was not as important to me since), I would be fulfilled. I thought using only logic and reason were the only way to go to be successful and have people like me. Unfortunately, that did not work for me. It seemed like all my efforts were never good enough. Not logical enough. It went down to this: I had no faith or passion.
It should not matter, because I was only in high school for a year-and-a-half. I dropped out in the middle of my sophomore year (2005). It was not my choice. I had none. I literally had nothing with me. No where to live. About six months later, I enrolled in a Christian-private home school. I realized then how important education was--and still is--to me. I could have graduated in a few months since I started by how quickly I was going; however, constantly moving, I was unable too. End of 2008, I finally received my high school diploma.
Those three years have been a slap in the face. I grew up faster and vulnerable to the world on my own. I lived on my own. Worked and paid for rent and needs. Money was all I kept thinking of. It consumed me. I was unhappy, because I felt unfulfilled. One thing kept controlling me: survival.
Now that I have found contentment since October 2008, I cannot turn away from what really sets me free.
During the times of brokenness, He uses that to be our most influential.
Every morning, I devote about 30 minutes in prayer and meditation. Throughout the day, I ask for encouragement, grace, and strength.
There has been one thing I have been struggling with: the balance between my head and heart.
