Here comes the new year.

The new year is vast approaching. I couldn't sleep and hopefully I won't doze off before the new year kicks off.

I'm nervous, for some strange reason. No, not nervous; just skeptical and scared. Probably I should make resolutions, but somehow, I just don't feel up to sticking with whatever I make. I know I should change and work on my un-personable attitude, but what if I am really meant to be this way? I know I won't go anywhere with how I've been lately. I have been too sensitive, too vulnerable. I believe I'm this frail, weak, person. I don't feel or think that I'm strong at all, and I just want to be.

A couple of people say they know me, but they don't know anything at all. It seems difficult to just reach out to anyone, anymore. It seems that more-and-more people are becoming less compassionate and that they are in authority, or act, feel, or think they are more, above others. How many of us feel so insignificant, day-by-day, fighting like hell for themselves or someone they love, and only get back into that miserable feeling of self loath? Or maybe, it's just me...

I know that everyone reacts differently to situations, and I know I'm going to sound selfish but- why can't I, again I say, rise above that? Why can't I react differently than I do now? I'm a wreck, with an attitude to go along with it. I don't mean it, I sincerely don't. I don't mean to start fights with people, answer the wrong way and have my voice change from one thing to another. When I try, there's just something else that doesn't hold back and comes out the wrong way.

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Sorry for the way I've been, sorry for how I've treated everyone. I can never forgive myself for becoming the wreck I am and I only want to change, but it seems like it's not working. I am such a wreck and I want to be a better person. I have changed so much throughout the year, and I just hate- hate the person I have become. I really have no one... Even if they say they are there for me. Something still hasn't filled this void in my heart.

Oh yeah, happy new year, everyone.

Change

"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." - Lynn Hall Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989

If this is true then, I clearly haven't grown up at all. I think I just became more confusing as this year is about to end...

At the end of every year, I usually think of how the past year affected me, shaped me, ripped me, and how much closer I am to my "character". I don't know what to say of when my "changing" began, but I can pretty much point out how it started in the first place...

It was the end of last year, and I was becoming a complete mess and getting myself involved into things just to "escape" from the mundane reality that I loathed so much. I was fed up with just everything and just started acting completely out-of character... at least, that's what I thought. The new year began, and all I could think of was that crave in my mind and the quick motion of my head cocking back and feeling a gust of wind lift me when I know I'm firmly planted on the counter or chair. My friends knew what I was getting in to, but whatever.

I seem to let myself go more easily, and having my vulnerability take the best of me along with insecurities. I just basically put my guard down, and started being a teenager who goes through the "normal" stuff. Ugh, I hate that. I thought I was better than letting myself get the best of me. I blame myself for the weak and frail I am. I blame myself for pushing people away and victimizing more than I should.

William James once wrote, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind," that I can agree with, to some extent. I think that you can "change your mental attitude of mind" but that wouldn't mean your life will change. Yeah, I know it takes time for it to be completely "life changing" but come on- how easily could that happen? Oh wait- nothing is easy!

There's an example. I'm cynical more than I ever was last year. I was sarcastic but now it just completely turned into cynicism. I never was like this; I was happier, I was more care-free and now I'm this closet of anxiety. I tend to tell myself that this will pass, this phase or whatever you call it I'm in. It will just go away and I will go back to the way I was, and be that person people loved to be around, and be the person that some fell in love with.

I don't know, maybe I am really this way now...

But there are good things that has happened: Sean. Is that all? Well to think about it, he kept me sane throughout everything. The only time I will really laugh is when I'm with him. He's the only one who I didn't push away, and even when I did, he never left. Oh, I've pushed so many people away...

Just because my mind set has changed, the environment still remained the same. The only thing is, is that I let it get too me. I seriously think I have some anger issues, but I've never done any damage, physically. I have this attitude that I keep getting reminded of, that I have no idea about. Now, after over six months, I'm starting to realize it.

Who is this monster I have made? What have I done wrong along this? Where have I been and why have I been so vulnerable? How could I have been so stupid?

I probably should make a new year's resolution, but I don't know if I could keep it.

Fighting

It bothers me that I cannot concentrate. I feel that my mind is someplace else as I look down on the island of binders, folders, papers, and a pen. My mind is someplace else, and I want it back to the present.

I can't sleep once again, and I have to take a shower in 20 minutes. I want some... quiet. A place where I can think. This place is obviously unavoidable to such noise.

Katherine Anne Porter once said; "There seems to be a kind of order in the universe… in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own." Chaos could never end, I know that. It's life and there's no way of escaping it. I seem to be lost in some kind of universe. The movement... I believe the movement stops when we are stuck in this one place; our thoughts, our feelings seem to just put a veil over others. There's always misunderstanding and for a moment there, it seems like the universe just stops moving when being failed. There would be instances where we just stop moving, and stop fighting. There would be that inner chaos inside us; not living. When we stop fighting, we stop living. You can either take the easy way and just avoid it or let it be, or fight something you love. Fight for someone or something you are unsure about. Fighting our inner demons lets our universe move, so why let it keep attacking?

I should learn to listen to myself; maybe then I could be a better person... maybe, also, I should take care of my inner demon.

Ugh, I should get ready. Hopefully I don't fall over today at dinner. :-/ Oh, and also, sorry for any typos and such, and it most likely did not make sense.

Indifference

Is it okay to keep things inside? Keep them only to yourself and not even have the one's closest to you know of it; of how you deal with things on your own and not rely on anyone, anything wrong with that?

Of-course, there are those who say that "it isn't good to hold things in," but what's the use sometimes, when you know that it's not even going to be "grasped" by the listener?

I'm starting to question if it's me pushing people away, and not them leaving...

why do we do it? I guess it's just easier that way.

It would be a weird connection to have a kin such as you. It would be nice to have, comforting. Talking about something that is nothing. Or something that isn't nothing, but it's something. Something lost, somewhere; lost in something. It's just- understood.

When people say they get what you're talking about, sometimes they have no clue at all what you are talking about. They know nothing and they can't even grasp how serious it is, to you, at least. Sometimes, they can't even understand what "don't tell" or "don't want to talk about it" means. Even to your best friends- do you really tell them everything? And I mean everything. When you believe that you have given your purpose for such emotive(s), it's like someone is delving you into the cement as if you were chalk that might as well be thrown away since it's becoming useless.

There are times where this inane feeling just creeps up on me. I then question whether or not it's being blown out-of proportion, or if I want some kind of attention. I don't and maybe that's why I don't like talking about "me" really.

Everyone at one point or another has felt disconnected from everybody. That there is something missing in you, or in them... or both, or everywhere. There are those who are tired, frustrated, head throbbing and heart hurting, feelings of failure, bones broken, everything broken. Sometimes the pain is so much, that we lose ourselves in something. May it be work, school, the imagination, whatever. We just lose it. And once we find someone to just sit with and not say anything, not pressure you into saying anything, not provoke you in any way, not letting you say so much by letting you say so little because they know there is much more to that, that doesn't need to be explained, is comforting. Then feeling out-of-place isn't so bad, because somewhere, someone else is feeling the exact same way and thinking the same thing. It's not even sadness or dolor or anger, sometimes they are the most happiest person you see and/or know.

What is the difference of indifference? Nothing. Because all you need is one.

Who's the homewrecker here, huh?

I'm sitting here at the computer desk, blaring music and singing along- trying to paint over the feeling or energy at home. I've forgotten how singing to music at a time where I'd just want to just cry or get angry, really relaxes me. It made me happy in the moment when I felt some choke in my chest... I've forgotten how that felt and with what just happened. I couldn't believe how I've been avoiding music only because it brought me "pain," faithlessness," and "anger," when it just made me happy at the same time. I won't say that I became suddenly and truly happy, that's just... impossible? But like I've said before, it just covers the feeling rather than mitigating. Now, I know why I had this notion to be a recording artist when I was younger, who just plays the guitar and sang with all my heart and soul into the music. I assure you, it's probably not even that good, but it helps...

But the "cover-up" still doesn't make how I feel go away; it rather just- avoided. So, I don't know if that's good or bad. I still feel the same but I feel a little bit relieved.

Now that they're gone, I can finally think in silence. Be alone in silence. Be honest... I can see myself breaking down sooner or later. I know I'm only making it worse on myself by keeping it all in; I guess that's why I have this. Even though half-the-time I don't even know what I'm talking about, because the words just flows out-of my finger tips. I still hate the fighting around here, who wouldn't. I'm used to it, but it's getting old. It's not good. Especially to my brother.

The thing I worry about most when I leave for college is him. He's only five, and he is pretty much neglected around here; except I am the one who mainly takes care of him. So when I leave, is his father going to be like this, still? Are they going to bring brother into their mess, as they did with me? It seems like they haven't even learned how to be towards eachother when there's kids around, but what can you do? What kind of family is perfect, now-a-days? Those who make it seem like their life is just grand, I don't believe it. They may be happy but I know there's more to it. I know there's problems and that's life, and what do we do? We act like nothing is happening at home, but tell a select few about it, maybe. They're afraid that their problems only seem petty so they don't talk about it. Some don't even act like themselves, or are afraid to be themselves in the first place. Some do it to be professional at work and believe that their home life or personal problems shouldn't be brought to work. We work it off to just forget and better our situations, but we end up destroying ourselves at the end with burnout or an all night crying session; we basically get stressed and fed up with even the smallest things and not enjoy things like we used too...

Anyway, I got off track- my brother... ugh I don't want to leave him. I don't want him to be in an environment like this; it could do stuff to him, especially since he's witnessed these things sooner than I have when I was a kid. I'm afraid for him.

When the huge blow up was going on, he ran upstairs. He was scared and he hid. It nearly led me to tears, but I was singing trying to keep them from coming. I wanted to go to him and put him on my lap and let him go on his little websites and play games but my mom just stomped upstairs and just started flipping out on him about how tired she is of this and so-on. Gah- it gave me a headache just hearing her yelling from the corner of my ear while singing along to music. But seriously, that in itself is just confusing and terrifying to a little kid who doesn't even have friends to be there for him. Who will be there for him when I'm gone? Who will take care of him? He is the only one I am not dropping from this family and their stupid- annoying "clans." I only wish that things will just be better for him. That's their kid, they have to learn how to take care of him and eachother. But again, who really does the second, or even first or both at all?? He really needs a better life, and I really thought he would get one since with all the mistakes they had with me would have been something they prevented. I don't- I really don't want him to go through what I went through. Not even for a bit.

My name origin

The name of ______ gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature.

Although the name ______ creates an interest in the deeper aspects of life, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs and bronchial area.

http://www.kabalarians.com/

Okay, after calming down a bit, my temper is gone, the heat from my chest has finally ceased, and the tears- I don't think they will come back tonight. I'm sorry for looking like some kind of lunatic, I just... I don't know. Heh, this shows a lot about me, huh? What can you do about it; deal with how a person is, deal with how they are. Know that they try their best to make things right, mainly with themselves. You can't blame a person for trying. You can't leave them either for acting out. The last thing they would need is for a person to leave. People always leave, I know that and sometimes they come back. Sometimes, they'll be there for you through it all and never judge you, and some would just be there, but without actually being there. They'd try to help, I know that; they do whatever they can. We push people away when we really need someone the most and right when we bring someone in- we just crash and burn. We hurt more, finding a song to relieve the woe and mend a broken tune. I know I need to stop complaining. I've already accepted the fact that no one will be here for me all the time and all I can do to fill that void is just to take care of myself. I can't say I'm doing a very good job at doing that, but I try. You can't give up on a person for trying. I've known, long ago that I will be by myself; be alone and go through things alone and deal with most of life's swings alone. I know you can only take care of yourself but it wouldn't hurt to have someone to help you along the way and be absolutely patient and just-- be there. Be there through the toughest of our times; be the rock for us. I unfortunately cannot do that. I have no rock for myself and I'm mainly all alone in this and that's what really- really hurts me the most; but I have to deal with it and move on the best I could through problems and what-not.

Ugh, look at me, I'm going deep when I have to go to sleep for a test tomorrow in the morning; or later-on today, since tomorrow is today. I think I need some pills or something because I cannot fall asleep; I try.

Can you blame a person for trying? Or is that not good enough? Could I really be my own rock? I can try.

Okay, I'm a screw-up! What else can I say when I'm basically making people mad, confused, or upset. Oh wait- is that the other way around? Oh- I think it is! I'm the one who, in the end, makes myself mad, confused, or upset. Oh god, you guys probably think I'm crazy right now and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for blowing up and being all moody, grumpy-- hey, why don't we plaster a sign on my head that will say "SCREW-UP. BITCH CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE; not purposely, of course." I don't know what is the matter. I think I'm just basically hard to handle. There's just too much here and I still- somehow, think that everyone would be better off not knowing me since I'm a hard-headed, hypochondriac, rollercoaster-- something!

Seriously though, (did you really think I was serious up there? Maybe a little, but not that much) I have so much- so much in me right now and I just somehow blow it to the only person who would actually listen to me. Why do I keep talking when I make things a mess? Why do I have to hold in so much and not let any out? Instead I just let my frustrations out- and they have every reason to be upset with me! And as for me, my frustration just turns into anger, then sadness... I really feel like no one could understand me. I mean, I'm a mess! I'm a huge mess. Things come out of my mouth and I don't even mean them but they hurt or put some kind of a burden. No one deserves this. If I can't handle myself, who can really put up with me? I ruin things, I'm the cause of things, and I'm never good enough. And this doesn't go out to just one person, even if they think it not, but it goes out to a lot I guess.

Ha, who am I kidding? We're all screw-ups! We all make mistakes. But somehow, it's like I just have to be perfect... Somehow, when I try to be happy- I'm still a mess.

Who could understand that entertainment can just get the mind off things, or music? But they rather cover them, then just letting it go away. I just slip into a world that's not mine and that's how I want it to be. I want to forget about mine and leave mine for an hour. Then, it just comes back because somehow it seems like... I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. I couldn't even spill my heart out anymore. Not even into this; not even into this...

Dance

How much longer do I have to stay here? Oh wait, I'm practically prisoner here and my sentence seems to last until I'm 30. Okay, I know, I'm complaining way to much right now, and I won't give any excuses. Well, there's really no excuses, but anyway I seem to be boiling day-by-day, the heat increasing within my chest and my diaphram just ready- ready until it just booms uncontrollably.

You know, I've realized today that I have never finished whatever I have started. The only time I actually stop doing something by my own choice is when I decided to stop taking forensics, but it was really all for good reasons; and if I had stayed, I wouldn't have finished and just left without saying anything; which is much worse, since I realize I did that a plethora of times, but it wasn't by choice, of mine or my mentor...

You know what I can't stand? How fake people are, ha but wait- I shouldn't be talking since I'm probably among one-of-them! I smile and speak of how fine things are going. Fine; or to a select two, I speak at times how irate I am, angry, upset, etc., but with either with a light-heart or with vigorous passion. I force that smile every single day just to go by, and take any serious thing to me light. Eventhough, I really hate myself for doing that, since I am only lying to myself.

Why does it seem that lying is becoming so essential to society? When is anything ever really- genuine and accepted, anymore?

Acceptance, I think that's what is really about. Acceptance. You know, having that feeling of misplacement gone. So many people try just to be accepted and go great lengths at times; and they can tend to lead to harmful results. But, I'm sure they knew/know that. So, why still do it? Are we suddenly blinded by our conscience to the perfection which alludes that "this" is normal? So, therefore feeling unacceptable takes its toll on the mind of a person and just- controls them. And before I go on before bursting anyone's bubble, whatever is right from wrong, it's like black and white. We seem to forget that there is a gray lining in between; and there's all sorts of grays; so whatever is right or wrong, it is your choice, your opinion.

I'd really like to rise above from the lying, the fake smiles and my outlook of things being too pessimistic and expecting the worse to happen. I'd like to finish what I have started and when I do, I know I'm getting somewhere.

So, to the strangers out there that somehow stumbling across this and actually read, finish what you start. Dance to your own beat, and stop following what seems "right."

Okay, so I'm basically irritated. Apparently, it's my fault things go out like the phone or the internet, for example. I constantly hear the obvious yelling, or what they call- talking, over the most stupid things. I'm completely bored with life, and I'm just waiting- waiting for them to yell at me to "get out." How sad is it that I have no social life, now? What the heck happened here?! Oh wait-- I know! Homeschooling, for one, which isn't much of it and two- I'm not allowed to leave. When was the last time I actually went outside?? The beginning of October. Why can't I just go out? Because I'm not allowed too. I have to clean the house, watch my brother, feed my brother and when I do-- what happens? Oh yeah, I get yelled at, for not feeding him. I swear- I am thisclose to flying off the handle and just pack my bags and take wherever my whim takes me. I don't want to be around no one. I don't want anyone's sympathy. I just want to be left alone in serenity. I'm not allowed to open my mouth here; it's like a freaking heirarchy around here. If I do I'm considered a "bad child" (yes, child; apparently, it does not matter what the age is, you have to obey your elders) and I'll be against X number of people from both their sides. I don't want more tension, I don't want more anger and drama from them. I'm really about to explode.

Oh yeah, and if anyone says "the sun will come out, tomorrw" or anything along those lines, I'm going to just laugh and find a barbie to cut it's head off and imagine it being anyone from carebear land or anyone who annoys me, right now.

I swear, I'm not this mean; I'm just extremely irritated (and no- it's not PMS).

When one is happy, how come it just gets taken away? When something good happens, why does something else have to blow up in your face? Why can't I just be above all this, and not let it get to me? Why do I care, so much? There are times where I wish I didn't. There are many times where I wish I can rise above it. I want to know why I turn into a fetus in one corner of the room.

I tend to show only two people my feelings, but I never could give a reason why. The reasons why I could not give a purpose is because they seem only lilliputian or I'm just blowing it out-of proportion by letting my emotive take the best of me. I often believed I had a good reason to my conduct; and I often believe people are better off not knowing me, since I'm only a mistake, or poison.

Everyone meets situations different than others, I tend to take it more emotionally, than I wished logically. Am I considered a frail person?

Many others, friends mainly, have said that I'm "strong," "brave," or "courageous." Would they think me differently if they really seen my internal face?

I can only escape to dreams. Dreams, they too, seem to be poison when escaped into blindly. They could hurt you by letting you back into this mundane reality. Letting the dysphoria sometimes get to you.

I don't think I could ever be "sane."

So, here's what I think: You're either born lucky, or you're not. You're either born with a gift, or you're not. Now, let me say this, I believe every one of us, are born with potentials. We have the potential to do it or whatever it may be, but not the talent. How 'bout working on the talent? You can work, but do you still got it? I think it all boil downs to luck.

The bottom line is that dreams in general cannot come true. You can work on it and gain so much experience, but that doesn't mean you still have a chance to hit it big time.

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I honestly cannot stand being here any longer. I just want to get up and go. I can honestly say that I am the most insecure, gullible person, ever. I honestly believe I don't have what it takes for anything. Yes, anything. I have been raised to be absolutely scared of the world and untrusting. I seem to have more flaws than anyone I have met, and they somehow can't stop admitting how wrong, etc, I am. Probably the only thing I have is affection; even that is not enough. Nothing is enough and I will always feel that hollow space. I'm not the happiest person, and I'm not going to say the most forlorn, either. I'm just here.

I don't know what this is going to be used for. I already have 2 other blogs, but my friends either (a) know of it, (b) have either one or the other, or (c) both. I guess this will be more un-censored then the others; more honest, and probably more inane or picayune. We'll see.