The clutch is off.

++++++

I am considering when I become angry or upset with someone, I will meditate on it. I will not necessarily move on, but I will simply forgive and breathe.

I have the propensity to stay angry or upset for a few days. Nevertheless, I will consider my disposition silently, instead of making it in to some evil. Hence, my equilibrium will be steady.

I was caught dozing off at work; however, I was on my lunch-break.

"What are you thinking, ______?"
I smile, surprised. I didn't realize what I was thinking of until I snapped back to where I was.

It was his look that he kept giving me, that kept my mind busy. I was confused about what he meant with those stares and words; words that were so deep, and words that I could not understand. I was trying so hard to remember the things he said that were of a very high, intelligence-rank thought that is inspiring and fresh; however, they were too long.

He spoke of how there is only one time in your life that is a "light," and worth trying for. I was very attentive, but the background was too unforgiving. His way of expressing it was in a way of poetry and philosophy. I cannot forgive myself for being unable to remember it all!

He was speaking of life, to control yourself, don't live for the past, don't live for the future, but live for the present, because each day has significance to the rest of your life.

I have never felt so horrible.
I have not done anything wrong, so why do I feel so guilty?

St. Patrick's Day

I have not been so moved, confused, and sympathetic in one night.


Saturday, I went to Brandon's house and co-workers of mine were there, along with some of their friends. I brought the poster and book for Mark, and I was only looking forward to see him.

I found out more about his folly, I have known he would have done that sincerely because of his loyalty and kindness. It is that loyalty and kindness though that got him in trouble, but it was not his actions that had him fired- it was the word of the mouth.

The one who knows the debacle told me, everything; I could not believe that she would start it. She is a kind and magnanimous girl, but no one is perfect. If she did not tell her friend, my co-worker, the chain would not have started, and Mark will still have his job.

I have never been infuriated with so many people at once. Their character would not have done what the misunderstood one has done, and it upsets me that they did this to someone they loved and enjoyed being with.

Nevertheless, I was the only one sober at the party.
I played with Brandon's nephew during the half of the party, but my back started to hurt and I wanted to stop. This four year old and his puppy eyes would not allow me to say no, but thank goodness Mark came and started to distract him with magic tricks with his cards.

We went back inside, and I was accompanied with Gary through most of the game on the couch. We conversed about the same things and once a group started to smoke, we went outside and continued talking. Brandon came out maybe ten or fifteen minutes later, and apologized. He can always make me laugh, and I appreciate that he is a gentleman. I was glad he came out, because I did not want to be alone with Gary for too long. There are times when I treasure my space, and I needed that; he was becoming too personal and close to me that night.

Others started to come out one-by-one. Moments later, all of us returned inside.
The first person I saw was Mark, and I have never felt as sorry for anyone as I did that night. He looked wasted and tired.

I took a seat on an armchair, and watched the last fight.
Mark started moving around spewing things, offending others and being very obnoxious.

Henceforth, most of the people left, and there was Ariana and Adriana, Gary, Mark, Brandon, Javier, and Elvis. I began to feel comfortable, until Gary started to become too close to me. I did not like that he was hanging onto me, and leaving his arm around my waist; so, I quickly got up, rushed to the kitchen looking for something to drink, and grabbed the only thing that does not contain alcohol: Coke.

Mark was there, along with Javier and Elvis.
Mark, speaking, kept falling backwards.

"I'm gonna ask you a serious question," he slurred as he came close to me. I was expecting to smell alcohol from him, or weed, but I did not. Perhaps I was too overwhelmed as I was.
I leaned in closer, exposing our developing friendship and playfulness as he did the same. "What?" I asked, smiling.
"Now, don't be offended, but do you really- I mean, really listen to 'Patience,'? Because, I can play the song, perfectly. Do you really listen to Guns N Roses?"
"I knew you didn't believe me. Why? You think I don't?" I smirked as I took a sip of my Coke.
"Wow..."
I shouldn't be surprised; I knew he was going to be acting somewhat like this; however, I played along, "What?"
"Just- wow... it's weird. You're weird."
"You're weird,"
"You're weirder,"
I laughed.
"Do you? Do you really listen to them?"

I sighed and looked at him; I did not expect him to remember how the song Patience felt like a big part of who I am. I remained calm and serene, remembering the times when I was a little girl of how I was innocent but aware of things, untroubled and personally, in myself, felt secure. However, I knew there were troubles, but I did not question anything. I knew there were times when my mom was going to send me to an orphanage, but I fell to her knees and begged her to keep me and that I promise to be a good girl if she just kept me.

"When I was younger," I began, "when my parents were going through trouble, my step dad and I would go into the car, and he'd blast Guns N Roses, roll the windows down, and speed through the desert. It was our way of getting out."
"Wow, you're amazing," he began laughing as he toppled backwards.
"You can go ahead and ask my step dad, if he was here, and he would tell you," I laughed. I looked at his eyes, "I think you need to sit down, Mark. Please. Either on the couch or on the floor," I said, sympathetically, "well, perhaps on the floor, since I don't think you can make it there," I said laughing at him as I reached my hand to keep him from falling.

He looked at me as he put his hand on the counter to keep himself balanced.
"What?" I asked, puzzled.
"What?"
I laughed, but asked very empathetically, "Are you ok? I really think you should sit down." I kept persisting, although I knew it was not going anywhere.
He started to speak in Spanish, I looked at him with eyes widen, confused and curious.
"You are so beautiful. You are amazing. You are a wonderful and great person," he said. He leaned closer, "keep staying in control." He kept on going, saying those same things over, and over again.
"No," I said, "you don't mean that. You're probably talking about someone else." He looked at me; his eyes and expression started to look serious, "you don't believe me?"
I hesitated; I wanted to believe him but I could not, "No, I don't," I said slowly and quietly.
His eyes were still on mine; he smirked, "Well, at least you're honest."

He toppled over in front of me, and leaned against the refrigerator. Every time he spoke to me, he leaned closer, almost whispering. When he seemed serious, I stood straight, put my drink down and my hands behind my back and looked directly at him. I persisted for him to sit down.

"You cannot do anything wrong," he said. I looked at him.
"You can't see me falling back wards, can you?" I asked. He looked at me, and said no.
"Or, you can't see me indulging as you are now, do you?"
No.
"You can't see me breaking down, could you?" He was silent, and stared at me, intently.
"Remember, you said that you and I are alike?" How, he asked.
"You even said that you can see right through me, as I do you. You're not okay. You are not happy, and I understand, so I am not going to preach you about it."
"Wow," was all he can say.
I started to become anxious, "What?"
"You're amazing,"
I don't know how many times I have to hear this. Come to think of it- I don't know if he meant that as sarcasm, to make fun of me, or what else. At that time, I thought he was sincere about it, but then again, I knew he was wasted.
"You have beautiful lips,"
I smiled and laughed.

Suddenly, he starts speaking very beautifully. Poetically. Philosophically. This is what I admire most of him. His mind, and now- his heart. Some of the things he was saying were, "you are perfect; you are unique, and no one can replace a light in a lifetime... stay in control... there are moments that are worth coming for you (at this time, I did not know who he was speaking of)," then, "you are amazing and perfect the way you are. You are beautiful," he raised his hand and gently brushed a part of my bangs away from my eyes. He began speaking in Spanish, as Javier came along to grab some food. Javier's back was turned as Mark continued speaking in Spanish to him, and I looked at Javier's face. He looked grave and sympathetic. Then he walked away.

I wanted to tell Mark that what he said was beautiful. He said he isn't a poet, but he is.

He looked back at me and spoke in Spanish again. "I don't know what you're saying," I said, yearning to know.
"And I hope you never will,"
He continued, then, "Stay in control..." at this point the background was unforgiving. I was not able to hear what he was saying as he was about to turn away. I became desperate, "Wait- stop!" He kept on speaking; I wanted to tell him I could not hear and that I want to understand, but this was happening too quickly. "Mark!" He finally walked away, and spoke with someone else. I just stood there, and grabbed my soda. I felt my nerves rushing through my body.

He came back, I did not say anything, and neither did he. He grabbed a bottle, and two shot glasses.
"No," I said, as I tried taking it away from him, "no more, Mark,"
"______, what are you doing?"
"You have to stop," I tried to give my warmest smile, as he wanted to make this funny.
"Don't," and said something I was unable to hear.
I felt fingers on my lower back.
"Let him, ______," the fingers turned into a palm and grasp. It was Gary. I became quiet and looked the other way. I wanted his hands off me.

Brandon finally came, and I turned away and sat on the couch. Gary sat next to me.


Moving forward, Mark started pissing off Elvis; Javier and Iris (she came while Mark and I were talking, and Ariana and Adriana left) took their conversation outside as things started to heat up. I tried staying away from Gary as much as I can.

Brandon, for some reason, started telling me that Mark just lost his job, and that he has never been like this before. He said that everything he is expressing is honest, and began speaking of how amazing, loyal, and a genius Mark is. The thing is- I know that already. He assured me, which I knew, that he is out of it.
Brandon started boasting of how polite I am, and how great I am at work. Mark cuts in, and Carl translates what he just said. Basically, they were, "you're perfect," "you always smile, even if you are having a bad day," "you have a great personality," "you are beautiful," blah blah blah. All those things that I want to hear if someone is sober.

Gary finally went outside, and I felt at ease.
Brandon started talking some more about Mark. Of how loyal and a great friend he is, and how he wishes to be like him.
Then, Gary comes back, sits behind me, and I managed to listen to both of them speak at the same time. They were in their own worlds, unaware of each other.

At first, he was going to give me a ride home, but, with how uncomfortable I was, I told him he can take Elvis home, and I will go home with Iris.

He went outside, upset. I'm not sure if it was about me, or the text message he received. Brandon followed behind as he asked me why they went outside, and told me to watch Mark, as he fell asleep.




I could not help but feel nervous about how much I care for him. I don't want anyone knowing. I feel guilty for caring too much. It feels like I have betrayed Sean, in some way.

I want to spend my life with Sean. I will admit that I want Mark to be in my life also. I learn so much from him, and I admire his creativity, mind, and heart.

He says I'm a good person. He does not think he is.
He is.

Sean and I have been in arguments and irate lately, and I believe I am most to blame.

Since last week when he decided to give the ticket away to some stranger, I have been bitter towards him. Perhaps I need to get over it. However, he has been showing a lack of interest in me aside from sex, so maybe it is permissible for me to have some anger towards him. That has been happening for a while now.

I love him to death. I want to be with him until we are old. He makes me laugh; he is sweet, and intelligent. He just treats me as a little girl, and what I love and want to do is silly.

I can push everything to the side for him and show genuine attentiveness. He does not. When he says he will spend a day with me, just him and me, he invites someone else. When he brings my hopes up, he crashes it down so quickly.


Therefore, to fill this void, poetry helps. Tomorrow, dancing will help as I finally spend some time with my co-workers.
I admit that I am scared of what I can possibly do: drink too much and so-forth. I promised him, but mainly myself, not to drink and do something stupid that can ruin everything.

I have spoken with him about how I felt and what I thought, however, he ends up falling asleep or daydreaming.

Christina Aguilera - Back to Basics concert

Last night was amazing.
She gets better every time I see her.
She leaves me speechless, amazed, and quietly ecstatic.

...............................
...............................

I did not buy the tickets, my co-worker did. He invited me, and how can I refuse? However, it turns out that he is not able to go because of poor judgment on his part or friends. I am unaware of the details, but he will be in jail for 45 days.

I received an envelope from a woman while I was at work while it was extremely busy.
"You're ______?"
Surprised and confused, I smiled, "Yes,"
She hands me an envelope with my name written in capital letters on the front. The writing looked familiar, but I put it to the side and continued what I was doing.

I went to the break room and tore the envelope; there was this excitement in my hands, and my face felt flushed.

There was another envelope, and the words, 'Have fun. - ____ ______'





Henceforth, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go. I told him, and I was sincere and completely honest with him, that he does not need to go because I can ask one of my other co-workers to go with me, instead.

He said yes.

"You don't have to go, if you don't want too? Are you sure?"
"Yes," and I believed him when he said that he wanted to spend time with me.

It turned out three hours before the concert- he did not. He gave his ticket away to his co-worker.

Now, I will not explain how that happened, because I have to get ready for work in a few minutes.

Nevertheless, here is the reason I logged on: I believed his decision is wrong and inconsiderate. I told him many times he does not have to go; I just needed to find someone to go with me. I knew he is not interested, but he said he wanted to spend time with me. I told him a plethora of times that I will bring M.G.* with me, because I know she wants to go.

I believed it was wrong because he did not consider that his ticket was originally ____'s, and I explained to him why it was wrong and put him in the position of what it felt like to know that you spend your money on two tickets, originally for one self and another (me). Therefore, if any thing were to happen, I shall bring someone we know.

How would you like to know that the ticket you paid for was given to some stranger?

Apparently, I am out of school. I was unaware of this.

I only had two credits left.
I had/have no control over this.

Who is it up too?
Unfortunately, it is not me.

.....................
.....................

I was on my lunch-break at work and I saw on my cell that the ________ ______ returned my call. I called back, and asked for Stacy*.

I cannot comprehend what had happened. My thoughts are muddled and tired. My eyes are tired.

I want to do something about it; however, I did not sign any contract because I was under aged. That means, although I can do something about it now, I am in no control of it; someone else is. The only way I am able to have control of this debacle is-- if this someone else finishes one thing off for me to be re-entered in to my school, then I am able to graduate high school. Humph. I wonder what it is.

The other thing that upsets me is that this person knew, and never told me.


A co-worker did not make it easy on me once I calmed down.
He is the type that complains all the time, does not work, and brags about how he makes a plethora of cash. I was fine with him at first. I was nice, and possibly the only nice person to him there.
He has to talk about money, business, and how he wishes someone told him about this, when he was nineteen. No, it was not about school, but a business, that sounds like a fraud. Apparently, it isn't. However, I have heard this before and I made it clear to him.

"It's not a pyramid,"
"Well, I have heard about this before, and I don't want to do it."

He stops, throws his arms up to the air and exclaims how know one believes him, and started bantering as he opened the door from the break room. I felt relieved. I thought he would leave me alone. I felt exhausted as it is.

I went ahead from behind, he continued complaining, and turned around and asked me, "How old are you?"
I picked up my pace and went ahead of him, "Nineteen,"
"Man... I wish someone told me about this when I was nineteen,"
That was enough. That broke everything. I faced him and looked him straight in the eye, "I'm not interested; I don't want to get involved with other's business', especially with their money. It is not my place to do that," he cuts me off, saying it is not like that, "I've heard this all before, and it's the same thing-" he cuts me off again, breaks a chord; I have had enough. I understood then why no one liked him. "You know what? Don't talk to me about this; I already have enough as it is.” My voice started breaking towards the end. He just laughs and goes on talking while walking away.

I was trembling and dizzy. I walked to the register trying to calm down and Maria looked at me and asked what was wrong; I could not hide it anymore.


After I calmed down with her in the break room, we went back to the front and after two minutes, my boss asked to speak with me.
I told him what he has been doing. Not just to me, but everyone else. He had two warnings already. Another one after this incident will get him fired.

I do not ask for many things or anything at all.

All I ask for is for you to show me that I am appreciated, not through money or your essential need for sex.

I dislike loneliness over a length of time.

I am bored and unmotivated at present. I lack energy and self-proficiency while garnering my thoughts in to an unpleasant puzzle. I feel a little empty, but that is nothing.

I do not find myself a wreck; I think I am rather stable, emotionally. I have been handling my emotions, or I like to think so. Perhaps unfortunately; though, it will not last long.

Sometimes, I believe trying is not enough.



Perhaps I will type about my new haircut. However, I do not want to be so vain as to talk about my new haircut.
It is about two inches pass my shoulder. Bangs and layered around my face with life at the back. It is possibly the most exciting thing in my life; however, that is all I will say.

A co-worker and I are headed to Long Beach for this fishing and tackle show (although, I have no idea what it is!) this-coming Wednesday. She will be giving me a ride since I have no car. I believe we are going to be cashiers there ...

Oh, I just remembered! I am going to a concert this-coming Tuesday. Now there is more than one thing-exciting happening. :)