When one is happy, how come it just gets taken away? When something good happens, why does something else have to blow up in your face? Why can't I just be above all this, and not let it get to me? Why do I care, so much? There are times where I wish I didn't. There are many times where I wish I can rise above it. I want to know why I turn into a fetus in one corner of the room.

I tend to show only two people my feelings, but I never could give a reason why. The reasons why I could not give a purpose is because they seem only lilliputian or I'm just blowing it out-of proportion by letting my emotive take the best of me. I often believed I had a good reason to my conduct; and I often believe people are better off not knowing me, since I'm only a mistake, or poison.

Everyone meets situations different than others, I tend to take it more emotionally, than I wished logically. Am I considered a frail person?

Many others, friends mainly, have said that I'm "strong," "brave," or "courageous." Would they think me differently if they really seen my internal face?

I can only escape to dreams. Dreams, they too, seem to be poison when escaped into blindly. They could hurt you by letting you back into this mundane reality. Letting the dysphoria sometimes get to you.

I don't think I could ever be "sane."

So, here's what I think: You're either born lucky, or you're not. You're either born with a gift, or you're not. Now, let me say this, I believe every one of us, are born with potentials. We have the potential to do it or whatever it may be, but not the talent. How 'bout working on the talent? You can work, but do you still got it? I think it all boil downs to luck.

The bottom line is that dreams in general cannot come true. You can work on it and gain so much experience, but that doesn't mean you still have a chance to hit it big time.

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I honestly cannot stand being here any longer. I just want to get up and go. I can honestly say that I am the most insecure, gullible person, ever. I honestly believe I don't have what it takes for anything. Yes, anything. I have been raised to be absolutely scared of the world and untrusting. I seem to have more flaws than anyone I have met, and they somehow can't stop admitting how wrong, etc, I am. Probably the only thing I have is affection; even that is not enough. Nothing is enough and I will always feel that hollow space. I'm not the happiest person, and I'm not going to say the most forlorn, either. I'm just here.

I don't know what this is going to be used for. I already have 2 other blogs, but my friends either (a) know of it, (b) have either one or the other, or (c) both. I guess this will be more un-censored then the others; more honest, and probably more inane or picayune. We'll see.