"Be impeccable with your word."


I have been in Miami for a week and a half and it is the best decision I have made in a long time. I am completely happy and at ease. I am finding my strength and learning to be impeccable with my words. I have bought books that remind me who I am and what I can do.

I love Miami. I love my friend and new friends, here. It is the best thing I have done, and I do not regret anything, anymore.

I will be sad to leave, however, I will leave better and peacefully.

I cannot express how amazing these people are. Jeanette and Danny are perhaps the best people I have in my life. They are the best. They are amazing. I am grateful.

Other news: I graduated! I am so excited for college. I will do what I can to be the best neuro radiologist or more. I am going to college, and I will not let anything get in my way this time.

Be impeccable with your words.

As for relationships: I will not settle for being less than what someone wants or more.

Loss. Hopelessness. God.

I am going to Miami, tonight.
I have to get away.



For a couple of days, I thought I was over it. I thought I accepted it; however, I know better. Deep inside I know I have not accepted it...

That he wants to be with someone else.

I did not know what heartbreak was until a month ago. I thought it was picayune. I thought I was better than this.

I realized in my anger to God and whatever His plan is for me is that I lose things, only to lose more.
I pray. I pray for inner peace. I need that more than anything right now.



I have one choice: let him go. I know he wants to be with someone else.

I believe I have done things wrong in the eyes of God, and in my pathetic victimization, I am punished.

I want to love again; however, I do not see that happening. I am scared. I don't know if I can allow myself to be in love.
They say that there are three loves in your life, and each one feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces. I know I am not emotionally ready for a relationship. Sean moved on, and the realization of that has me losing control. I felt my heart beating faster, I heard it beating, I was shaking all over, and I felt out of control. Everything reminds me of him. I know he does not love me. I know he can get whomever he wants. I thought for a while he was better than I was. I am a young love to him; a young love that he can move on from. I am nothing more. I am not the woman he wants or more. I am not the one that can smile and make his day.

I cannot see myself with anyone. I just want my life to be better than this. Everyone wants his or her life better than it is.

In my anger and questioning God, a plethora of memories flooded my eyes.
Abuse. Drugs. Alcohol. Violence.
When my mother told me that I would not be living with her anymore-- I will be going to an orphanage (this was around my tenth birthday). When I saw my biological father (whom recently contacted me-- It was awkward, but will be for another entry) come after my mom with a knife, when he had a gun pointing at someone (no more than the age of four). My stepfather's abuse with drugs and the affects it had on the family. I saw him slice his arm. Never staying in one place for more than five months. Sleeping in cars, going from motel to motel. Eating little. Saying little. Being evicted. Dropping out of high school, in the middle of sophomore year. Losing all our provisions in the storage- more than once. Watching my brother hiding from the violence.
Hence, by the time I turned 18, my mother called me while I was in California, visiting, telling me to find a job because I won't be living with them, anymore.

That is when my life changed. I thought I would not have to deal with my parent's drama.
Therefore, I thought I was free. I thought I was able to handle things, especially heartbreak.

However, of all the things I have been through with my parents, experiencing heartbreak is the worse of all. I thought I was better. I thought I would not hurt so much. Now, I feel for those who have been through it, and I am sorry for not understanding enough how it feels and what it does to you. I realize that love is more than we think it is.

"I lose things, only to lose more; what do you want from me, God? What have I done wrong? Why does a person have to go through so much and fall to an abyss? What is it that you have planned for me? --Because with all the things I have been through-- I have only loss." Those exact words came out of my mouth and replays in my head over, and over again.

I had plans for myself. Throughout my 20 years, I have listened to people, and kept my mouth shut. I never listened to myself and did what I want. Now, I have one thing that I can control, and that is what I do or how I graduate and go to school. I want to do it my way for once-- to make up for all the things that did not go as I planned. When I was young, I had an abundance of faith, and believed that all of it happened for a reason. Presently, it does not ring true. All of my life, I believed it would turn out better. "But, for how much longer, God?" I asked, hopeless and lonely. How much, longer? I do not want to be submissive, anymore. Waiting. I am tired of it.

In church, they say that we should not interfere with God's plan. I am tired of waiting- but wait-- since He has a "plan" for everyone does that mean everything we do or say is part of His plan? This is when I start to think I have done a plethora of wrong in His eyes. If I had done so many disdainful things in His eyes, is this my consequence? To go through heartache? Therefore, did I interfere with His plans? "What did I do wrong?"

I am independent and I have goals. I know what I want. I don't need a relationship. I would not mind being in someone's arms, but I don't need it.

What I need most is inner peace.

I am going through the seasons.



I want this season to pass.

I have to tell myself that Sean does not have time to miss me. There can be another person on his mind. That he does not feel the same for me anymore.

I tell myself that I have to deny my love for him. I tell myself to forget or let it go. Move on.

It is simple to fall in love; however, it takes effort to be in love. Love becomes a choice when one has been involved in a relationship with the person.

I can choose to love Sean. In actuality, I do chose to love him; however, the rational part of me tells me to let go of my love for him. Just let go.

This has been uncomfortable and emotional. I have been depressed since it happened. I have been angry, and I am being hard on myself. I know I was not the only one who led to this. I know that. I am wrapping myself in guilt and it is unpleasant. I am what I make it. Therefore, I am trying all that I can to move forward from this.

I know that I can love again, if I allow my heart and mind too. I just don't know at this time. I don't know. I am unsure if I have the capability to allow love in an intimate way again.

Perhaps, I need to choose not to love him the way I do.

Here I am, four in the morning. What am I doing up so late/early?

I'll cut down to it; we broke up, again. It frustrated me, angered me, and I believe I am extremely miserable. Life felt mundane and worthless. I realize I did not understand the heartbreak of love. In candor, I thought it was picayune; annoying. Loved songs made me uncomfortable. Anyone that is around me that is "touchy-feely" made me feel uncomfortable. Or perhaps, I was afraid of the idea of being in love, did not understand it, and leading to the unreasonable discomfort of heartbreak.

I was never mean to anyone who went through it. I sympathized because I knew they were hurting, but I did not understand just how much it hurts. I didn't understand until Sean broke up with me.

I came to this after speaking to my biological father for the first time in 12 years, but technically 16 years. The reason? It stemmed from my realizing that I did not have a father figure or a connection as a "daddy's girl" with anyone. My step father was an alcoholic, drug addict, and violent, my biological father suicidal (however, loving towards me), and Sean-- well, he's different.

Henceforth, they are the closest men in my life.

Sean had a way of letting me feel that. The nurture, the love, and the protection; however, after the first year of living together, our love-- my love changed. I declined his hugs when I was upset with him or wanted to be alone. His time for me seemed to have dimmed. The way he felt about me felt different before then they did when we lived together. Let me say-- we loved eachother; and when we showed we loved eachother, it was great.

My relationship with him will be something I will remember. I want things to work out, still. I want to be with. I want to spend my life with him. However, I do not know where his heart is. Perhaps we got together too quickly?

I realize now just how much I love and want to be with him.

Things have been so stressful, my hair is literally falling out in chunks. I believe his break up with me is partly my fault.

Since the breakup, a plethora of things were getting to me. I felt pressured and insecure. I seemed to be taking too long to achieve my high school diploma, or I was stupid or stubborn to take the GED or the one-day course. This pressure came from everyone from my closest friend to my boss' boss. I was feeling overwhelmed. I applied for jobs and schools, and I either was declined or offered nothing.

I have not been sleeping well, and I wasn't sleeping well enough after the break up because I would get three hours of sleep, wake up at 3:30am, work out, sometimes skip breakfast- and it got to the point when I pulled all-nighters to work. All the stress and lack of rest sent my body into a disabled state causing me to go home from work and miss work a couple of days. I have not worked out since then or ate as healthy (I still eat healthy, just not as much).

I get five hours of sleep now. I've been driving in the streets. I'm on my last set of books for my high school diploma, and I'm still in corporate.

I'm going to Miami for two weeks. Originally, I wanted to go to a place where I did not know anyone or they knew me. I wanted to be alone and far away. I wanted to go near a beach and just lay there and read.

A few days later at work I was going through the mail, and something popped up: MIAMI. My friend, whom I have not seen in almost five years, lives there. I immediately called her when I had the chance and left a message. She called back, ecstatic. I booked my flight the next day (after speaking to my boss).

I will be leaving on the 20th. of this month, and will return October 5th.

This is for Sean. This is to get away.

I had (have) the suspicion that he wants to be with someone else.

By the time I'm back, I don't want to be confused. I don't want my heart and head to be messed with. I want to accept it if it's true. I want my strength back.

Until then.