Wow, it's been so long. I am so sorry I have not updated. :( I have been so busy!

Anyway, I can't be on here long; but, here is a quick review of the past two months:

1. I moved out of Culver City, now I live with an older, retired couple from one of my churches.
2. I was baptized on August 8th.
3. Been evangelizing.
4. I spend at least 12 hours of church activities at church or churches.
5. Going to school full-time.
6. Transferred to a different store.
7. Working 16-20 hours/week.
8. Recently joined the worship team in one of my fellowship classes.
9. Gave my testimony.
10. Witnessing to people.
11. A lot of bible study.
12. Planning for a short-term mission trip to Uganda (I need to speak about this!).
13. Skid Row.

My weeks consists of:

• 12 hours/wk of fellowship. Plus, about 6 hours/wk of bible study in the morning. (Not counting the extra hours for volunteer work through or at church/outreaches). Total: appx. 18 hours of service per week(that I love!).
• FT student with a FT workload (I manage to get ahead on my work. It amazes me I have made it this far with very little struggle or stress.). I have 5 classes. 11 hours of class time. Total of 4 hours/wk between classes I use for study or homework. Total: 15 hours of being on campus (I'm not going to count the hours of study at home).
• 16-20 hours/wk of work. I consider these to be my "days off." I will use the least amount of hours/wk: Total: 16 hours per week of work.

= at least 49 hours a week of "doing," out of 168 hours a week. 119 hours consisting of: eating, sleeping, coffee talk, studying at the coffee shop, checking email, and reading a book. Doesn't sound too bad. Life is good, although I do get exhausted sometimes.

I'm back!

Wow, I don't know what to say. I'm just happy my internet/lap top is now working! I will update when I get the chance. :)

Just rest.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure why my heart feels so heavy. I feel at peace, I have joy, and I am happy. 

But something is not sitting well on my heart. Something feels... lost. 

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" -Philippians 3:8

Update?

So, my laptop seems to have crashed, and I do not have enough privacy to blog, lately. 

The majority of my entries and mobile posts-or all-have been about my devotional time studying the Bible, and finding my inner-peace, again; therefore, the rest of my days, although most of them filled with rocky circumstances, have been pretty boring. I'm not here to complain or give a play-by-play of how I have been doing. I've been all over the place! However, it has been good. Sure, I may have troubles or worries-but they do not affect me as much, anymore. 

My relationships with others have either blossomed or faded-all for good reasons. I do my best by not letting myself become imprisoned again to someone, or too emotionally attached. Some say I have changed, but in a good way. Some may think me rekindling a friendship or possible relationship is stupid, but it doesn't matter. My heart is in the right place, and these people are meant to be close or detached from me. One thing I know for certain is--now is not the time for me, or a certain someone, to take the next step from our growing friendship. He and I have dated before, and feelings are mutual. Although he says he is ready, and in a lot of ways he is, I know he needs more time. 

Anyway, I changed my major for college. Ha, I haven't started college yet, and I already changed it. 

I believe I am meant to be of aid to others. One of the careers I have looked into, but thought of it as a last resort, is actually what is right for me. In addition, my heart is in it, and I do not seek self-promotion: nursing. I want to be of aid with all ages. Children, most particularly. I want to hear other's stories, share, and be there for them. 

I am in hopes of going to school this fall. My parents cannot make up their mind over moving here or staying in Texas. I know I ought to think of where I am going when my roommates leave, but I'm not so worried about it. So far, my heart is leading me to school, and I will see what happens after that. 

When I'm in the open desert or when i hike, I make a stop at a rock & rest. I take in the beauty of the stars, valley, or sunset- and think how amazing it is.

Place me where there are trees, a lake, or an ocean, and I feel at home. Some chill comes over me, but it passes-as if the sunlight was beaming from within.

"With God's help though it is possible to remain friends without having fear. His peace can rule both your hearts through it all." -DB

"Quiet! Be still!" ...the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:39-40

"When we struggle through the crises with God all the way to the blessing, we are gloriously redefined." -"The Patriarchs," by Beth Moore

"An honest blessing.. In every struggle do not let go until the blessing comes." -"The Patriarchs," by Beth Moore.

It is what God wanted, and it felt right.

The time we spent together felt right. It was what God wanted. He wanted us to build a foundation on friendship first. We weren't rushing things.

Giving up is not my intention. I want it resolved. I wanted to know if we should continue on the path we were on, or go in a separate direction.

Is it wrong of me to give up, when I am discouraged in a situation I have been in many times with him?

I am ready to say good bye. You need me to let go. Are you ready for farewell?

A new relationship

The past month has been far better than I could have imagined; however, it felt incredibly slow. I joined three bible studies, a fellowship group, and felt more at ease and fulfilled.

For years, I have been looking for fulfillment, and the one thing that filled that void has always been around. My faith.
Going back to God is a new step for me. It's the best thing for me, and the one thing that really keeps me from falling or being broken. I still get confused of some people or instances, doubtful, angry, or sad, but I learned to let them go.

Before high school, I had plenty of faith and hope. I thought I had morals, but it could have been pride; however, I felt unfulfilled and dissatisfied to an extent.
In high school, I was not myself. I believed if I were like my peers in my forensics class (I had nothing else in my life at that point; music was not as important to me since), I would be fulfilled. I thought using only logic and reason were the only way to go to be successful and have people like me. Unfortunately, that did not work for me. It seemed like all my efforts were never good enough. Not logical enough. It went down to this: I had no faith or passion.

It should not matter, because I was only in high school for a year-and-a-half. I dropped out in the middle of my sophomore year (2005). It was not my choice. I had none. I literally had nothing with me. No where to live. About six months later, I enrolled in a Christian-private home school. I realized then how important education was--and still is--to me. I could have graduated in a few months since I started by how quickly I was going; however, constantly moving, I was unable too. End of 2008, I finally received my high school diploma.

Those three years have been a slap in the face. I grew up faster and vulnerable to the world on my own. I lived on my own. Worked and paid for rent and needs. Money was all I kept thinking of. It consumed me. I was unhappy, because I felt unfulfilled. One thing kept controlling me: survival.

Now that I have found contentment since October 2008, I cannot turn away from what really sets me free.

During the times of brokenness, He uses that to be our most influential.



Every morning, I devote about 30 minutes in prayer and meditation. Throughout the day, I ask for encouragement, grace, and strength.

There has been one thing I have been struggling with: the balance between my head and heart.

First mobile post!

Priorities

My priorities:
1. God. Have Him be my thoughts, my voice, my actions.
2. Stability. I pray my mother, brother, and I live in a safe place. I pray we have a stable income and car.
3. Education. Go to college. Set my life for the medical and/or science field.
4. Volunteer in a hospital for children, babies, or sick children; or, volunteer in an orphanage.
5. A "Forever Love. "

Married for Life, Reflection on moments

"Sometimes emotional connection takes just a moment, yet it means so much. Even on the busiest of days, be sure to grab that moment." -Bill Morelan, Married for Life


"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven" -Ecclesiastes 3:1

Anger

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." -Proverbs 15:1

Marriage

"So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." -Matthew 19:6

Lost, Plans

'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' -Jeremiah 29:11

Honesty

"An honest answer is like a warm hug." -Proverbs 24:26 (The Message)
"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." -Proverbs 24:26 (NIV)

I couldn't decide which I like best. I'm leaning towards the first one. :)

Married for Life, Reflections on forgiveness

"Remember two things about love: "it is slow to become angry, and it holds no memory of grievances." -Bill Morelan, Married for Life

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

Fruit of Life

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." -Galatians 5:22-23

A Time for Everything

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

Faithfullness

"Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful." -1 Corinthians 4:2

Trust

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Love

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart." -Proverbs 3:3

Love - Book

"You must take time to love the people God has put in your life..." -Karen Kingsbury, "Forever" (I think. From the Firstborn series.)

Fear

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

The boy and I broke up, two days ago-and it hit me as I crept into my room. It really happened. I wept and tried to pray; however, words cannot suffice or bring hope. I had to feel it, and stop denying what happened and how I felt. It really happened. It just happened. There's no denying that.

I let my guard down and fought how serious I felt towards him. I began having my doubts. Perhaps I scared him? Am I too much for him? Did he say the things he felt because he had a sense of obligation? etc.

"I need to talk to you," I said. "I need to tell you something too." Oh no, this doesn't sound like it is going to be easy. "Is it good or bad?" I felt uneasy by this point. "I want to look into your eyes and say it." Ok, it shouldn't be that bad, then. Right? Wait--is he doing the same thing? To keep myself from waiting, I decided to say it after moments of quiet and confusion.

"I think we need time apart."

I'm not going to go into the conversation as detailed as I like. What caught me off guard (in some knowing way) is that he was thinking the same thing.

It confused me.

One thing I dislike when people break up is the flatter card. It goes like this, "You're an amazing person, wonderful. I felt like I learned a lot from you." etc. Why say that, and dump the person whom is so wonderful and perfect? If it were true, breaking up would not happen. Saying that is an easy way out, from looking like a jerk.

If he did love me, meant what he said about me, would he think about breaking up? I felt played. I was played. I just felt stupid I fell for him. I started to regret opening my heart to him and giving him the second chance. When I gave him that second chance, he had a chance to show he deserved it.

What is my reason for our time apart?
I knew he is new to love. He is just figuring it out. I thought he needed to get his priorities straight because he seemed lost and confused. I wanted us together, however, I cannot handle how I felt and observed from him. I did not want to feel alone in love.

His reasons?
Too busy with school, family things, etc.

I have things going on with me too. Does that mean I don't want him in my life to share what we have?

His reasons do not make sense.
Did he fall out of love? Did he become uninterested? Does he have commitment issues? Those make sense, and those are something that can be worked out in time, if needed. Or, was it the baby scare? I told him the night before we broke up that when he said, "I'm not ready to have a baby," I felt my heart split. He would not be there for me if it were true? Is this how committed he is to me? I understood he was scared, so was I. What if it were true? What will he do? Will he stick around?

Perhaps I scared him. I know my love is too much for him. Perhaps he is better off without me in his life.

On the other hand, perhaps it's the opposite; perhaps it's me in all this.

This month was supposed to be "our" month. "The boy" and mine. Our birthdays, Valentines Day, the "you'll start to see the person by the three months" thing; this month has been hard, instead.

I started to realize that I am someone of value, and ought to be valued. Then I started to learn that whatever will happen, it will happen, and I just have to trust God that it is for the better.

I am trying to handle things gracefully, patiently, gently. It's the most I can do. If I am, only someone he can learn from, it's fine; in addition, I'm learning as well. However, it is not easy. I know the right person will come along, as long as I stay true and connected, honest and kind, and strong and willing.

Ha, my mother asked if I were serious with him. I told her I don't want to be, because it almost sounds like I am being married to him. I just want to take things one day at a time. I don't want to rush or get my hopes up. I just want to grow through the journey with guidance, reason, and wisdom.

I'd say my faith is growing. I notice that I am maturing as a person of love, mercy, forgiveness, and patience. My reaction surprises me at times--and I am grateful that I receive unseen help.

I have never been religious. I believed and had faith; however, my connection has not felt real until last year.

Last year has been difficult. I fell into an abyss and finally crawled out months later. Until recently, I realized how useful and fulfilling it is to be open, free, and connected. It is the only thing that keeps me sane. It is the one thing that reminds me of my value and morals, and the one thing that makes me aware of my thoughts, my observances, and my feelings.

I make sure I handle things gracefully, patiently, and gently. I have always been a merciful person; however, I am keeping my eyes open. I want to keep myself safe, but I want to be courageous and take a leap of faith. I am a sensitive person. I slow to anger. I love, no matter what. I just hope I am not alone when I become older.

Notes to you.

Treat me with integrity, dignity, and respect--or don't treat me at all.

This is not my fault. I have nothing to do with your immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from me to someone else.

I can be vulnerable again, or I can't. If I can't--I will move on. If I can, I am willing to have you earn my trust back and put this relationship together, again.

Forgiveness is choice.

"Stay, just a little bit longer"

A few days ago, I had a conversation with my mother, revolving around college. She said we would have financial trouble if I decide to have them stay in California with me. If I were to move to Hawaii with my aunt and uncle, to Reno with my cousin, or to Vegas with strangers, we will not have financial trouble.

She makes my situation and hers seem helpless. This is how my parents work: run away from your problems, and say, "We are starting off new." In actuality, we start all over again from the beginning of our troubles. My parent's do not have enough faith or support. It brings me down because they think the worse; however, I do understand the reality of it and their reasoning, but it will not hurt to try it for once, instead of making me feel guilty.

It does not seem like anyone can help with my situation. I have this idiosyncrasy of believing that if I have a problem--it is not for anyone else to deal with.

I thought, "I ought to leave..." however, that is something I feel against, strongly.

My aunts, my uncles, and my cousins are content and happy where they are. Why does it seem I am unable to have that? Why is it that I have to drop everything I have, want, and desire for others or for my parents? They say California will always be here. I am happy here. Why is it they want me to drop that?

For the past twenty years, I have dropped everything for them. I followed them. I dealt with their circumstances. The reason I live in California is that my mother did not want me to go through it again--with them.

What is God trying to make me do? Is he telling me to leave, again? On the other hand, is he telling me to see what I can do to make it work?

I prayed for guidance and wisdom; however, how do I know if I am heading in the right direction? I become skeptic of my own conscience and delve more than I need too. What happens if I overlook something (that is a door to something great)? I know what I want and how I feel--are they right? I do not know whether my conscience is telling me to stay, or a deep desire--overshadowing the correct way. I don't know if my heart is telling me the correct way to go. I question myself more than I need too. Should I listen and put faith into it--even if it is a risk?

I have a strong feeling to stay in California, and give what I have a chance. I imagine things falling into place if I did not run away. I have something telling me not to give up and leave. I have something telling me I should not turn away. I have something telling me I will be unhappy if I left.

To do what is easiest and guilt-free for my family has been top priority. I never did it for myself. Logically, staying here is a financial risk; however, it does not matter to me. I want to try. Should I take that as a sign? My mother contradicts that.

I believe I came to California for a reason. My life started when I came here. It seems pointless for me to leave after almost three years. There has to be a reason. I would not have come to California and just leave thinking my time here has been insignificant.

If I left, I would be ignoring my conscience and heart.

Catching up

I suppose I have not kept you up-to-date with- or how things are. I'm sorry. :)

First, I have been excited that I can go to school in the spring. I have taken the placement tests, signed up for financial aid, spoke with a counselor, and made an "educational plan" for my major in radiology. The same day we spoke, I registered for five classes, and in mid-spring, I would have to speak with one of the radiology counselors and talk about transferring for neuroradiology.

Unfortunately, I had to drop my classes (all of them), and wait until fall to go to college. Why did I do this (I was deeply upset and angry)? Well, one of my roommates (my friend's husband) was angry with me because I was not taking more hours at work. Hence, he wants me to pay an extra $100 for rent, and go to work full-time. Couldn't I just go to school at nights, after work? Sounds good, however, I do not have a car, nor a license to drive! (I am hoping I take the test soon. Everyone is too busy to teach me. I can drive-- however; I do not have enough experience on the road or freeways. :( ).

At the moment, Justin (the new guy I spoke of in the previous entry) and his parents are helping me look for a place...

My mom and I spoke. She and my step dad want to help. They are thinking, A) My mom, my step dad, my brother and I move to Vegas, and he will work at a casino; or B) my mom, my brother and I can find a place here, and my step dad will pay our rent. I am thinking I want to work full time too, just in case, and go to school at night. My mom disagrees-- she wants me to focus on school, and work part-time. She will work. I have been stressed over this, but as long as I get my mind off it for most of the day, I can handle it just fine.

One of (and perhaps the only) reasons why I have not been keeping up to date is because I have been spending a lot of my time with Justin and his family. For the second reason, when I did have the time, I could not get my thoughts straight; and third, I could not find the time and space I needed for clarity.

For Thanksgiving, I spent it at his aunt's house. It was amazing. Funny thing is I was laughing so much I had an asthma attack. They took care of me though, and it was the first time he called me "babe," so it was cute.
For Christmas, I was going to be alone. They invited me (and my roommate) over and we played games, ate a lot of food, and of course, opened presents. I felt very spoiled and touched.

I still talk to Sean. In fact, I spent the day with him and Jesse when he got off work. It is nice that we are able to talk and laugh together, still. My feelings for him are only friendly. I do care about him and he still cares for me; however, that is far as it will go. We cannot see ourselves together, again. Justin is fine with it. He trusts me, although he does worry. I do not blame him, I trust him; however, I worry over his long-time friend and him. I won't get into that, though.

Hm, it's not a detailed post, but it is something. :)

Last night a thought or two passed through-- "I cannot be in a relationship. I cannot have one." I knew I was beginning to feel fear. I felt the urge to end a relationship for no logical reason. Something deep triggered me and it felt great-- however, it came with a thick layer of fear and rejection.

As I realized this, I knew I was crazy, and this is my way of pushing people away. I renounced that, and told myself to get a grip and let it go.

I never mentioned I'm with someone. It is the same guy I was dating around October. The same guy I didn't want to get serious with because I was already happy, and I didn't need or expect anyone or a relationship. Funny how things work out.

If it had not been for his family, I think it would have taken longer for me to accept being with him.

I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them, and spent New Years Eve with his friends.


That will be all for now. :)

"That's life."

I deeply dislike that phrase. It is saying- I am going to let it be, I give up, I am not happy, there is nothing you or I can do about it, etc.

When I was young, I used this phrase often with my parents, and to others who can relate. I realize one thing I felt as I said it-- there is nothing you, I, or we can do about it. I see how easily I, and others, give up.

This time, I am tired of hearing that. It does not make things better. It is a destined failure on top of our pessimism.

Last night as I came home, I was unexpectedly hit with doubt, anger, and failure; hence, I looked for apartments until three in the morning.
As I woke, something changed in my attitude. "I am not going to let this bring me down- as I have let others," "It is not the destination, as admirable as it is to succeed with your goals, it is the journey that is significant and satisfying," and, "I will not be going through this unless I can handle it."
I thrive for personal power guided by grace. I will not let this stop me. I will not let this stop me from going to school.

I embraced those negative and uncomfortable feelings last night, and this morning, I renounced them and my present situation, along with others that will be coming and felt deeply driven to persevere.

Life is what we make it. To say, "That's life," is an easy way out of a problem and in my opinion leads to unhappiness. I choose to be happy. I am choosing to surrender, to act, and to have faith. That is the best thing I can do at my age. I will put my trust in my parents. I believe things will work out. I will move-in with them when they come down. It will work out.