It's been a while; but, things are fine.

I live in California, and I do not have to lie about it. I had two jobs when I first came here, and now have one job that I chose over the other.
I am happier, here. I honestly feel like I'm not trapped, anymore; I especially don't feel so naive.

Of-course, life goes on and has bumps, and there are times when I do want to go back to Vegas and live with my parents. But I am much better off here, and they know that.

I wish I can come on here as much as I want, but having no internet at home prevents me. But I'm not complaining. :)

I'm in California; I'm planning on staying.

My mother says that I am an embarrassment. My family are irritating me.
My aunt says that I'm wasting my life away...




get out of my business.

Falling

I feel that I am all but nothing but a piece of this insignificant puzzle, with everything so picayune in this tunnel that I keep sucking in.

My word means nothing, and my monotonous complexion just keeps on fading. I guess this is how I really am: a weak, dependent, insecure girl who cannot think for herself or protect herself. Having all this invulnerability makes me think I'm not much of anything.

I have to snap out of it. I'm being completely weak and possibly irritating.

I have even no will to see any friends or talk to them. I do miss them, but I just can't get myself out of this.

I'm falling apart, and there's only half of me left.

Being alive

It irritates me that when people say you're not something because of how you are, but yet they do the exact same thing that they have told you you're not, and they are!


Ugh. I seem to be growing with envy the last few days. I set myself so low because I feel I cannot be as great, as wise, as intellectual, as clean, etc. as anyone else. I don't hate myself, really. My attitude or whatever it is is so monotonous that I'm so blase with it. I don't hate myself as much as I did the last few months, so I can say I am improving, somewhat. I still feel so insignificant to anyone. I still think I'm not the good person I want to be.


Anyhow, I seem to be growing with a cold or allergy, and this hormonal girl is yearning to get out and feel alive.

Speaking of feeling alive, I was watching the figure skating nationals (is it the nationals, or something?) and I keep reminiscing about when I was younger, watching Christie and Michelle on ice, and even Disney on Ice, of how I wanted so bad to just feel like I'm flying through the mist-like air and be a little ballerina again. I've been ice-skating, and I loved learning the tricks like twirling and skating backwards, and I used to be in ballet. I would feel that life and just the whole world just vanish behind me.

I love dancing. I love how it makes or made me feel. It was wonderful, and I want to be able to slip off into that world again.

Something new; with a speck of hope.

We are once again moving. I've had a feeling since I set foot in this house that it wasn't going to be a permanent thing, and last for six months, the most. I really don't care that we're moving to a new one, the new house is beyond nice for me; kind of intimidating though, because I feel so lilliputian compared to it.

Sean will be moving in with us! There's this 27 year old male that's going to be living there (his father is the one leasing it to us) until April, and my step dad doesn't want me or EJ alone with him since our parents are gone most-of-the-time. So, my step dad asked Sean if it will be alright if he can live with us, so that he can keep a look out for us, especially me.

I normally don't like being treated like something fragile, even though I am and very petite, but I honestly don't mind the protection from Sean. ;) I'm very happy that he is going to be staying with us. I've been more relaxed since he's been here.

I used to think that I did not need anyone to make me happy, but it so happens, that I am happier when I am with him. For that, I think I am weak and frail, and not as strong as I thought I was. I find it sad that I don't appear as strong as I wanted, or as strong as I used to be.

But I'm happy none-the-less, that he's going to be living here. I seem to laugh more when he is around.

This year, I guess I'm going to try again, to have more thicker skin; for myself. I block people enough from me, but I should begin releasing all this negative aura I have around me, so then maybe, I will be strong-willed, like I used too.

I am very self-inflicted. There's still that part of me that just loathes the very essence of atoms that evolved into this skin I'm trapped in. There's still that part of me that won't forgive myself for how I've been. There's still that part of me where anger will never leave and that part of me where my heart aches for something more and where the tears will always be floating. There's still that part of me that is a complete wreck, there's still that inane- very speck of hope left in me.