This month was supposed to be "our" month. "The boy" and mine. Our birthdays, Valentines Day, the "you'll start to see the person by the three months" thing; this month has been hard, instead.

I started to realize that I am someone of value, and ought to be valued. Then I started to learn that whatever will happen, it will happen, and I just have to trust God that it is for the better.

I am trying to handle things gracefully, patiently, gently. It's the most I can do. If I am, only someone he can learn from, it's fine; in addition, I'm learning as well. However, it is not easy. I know the right person will come along, as long as I stay true and connected, honest and kind, and strong and willing.

Ha, my mother asked if I were serious with him. I told her I don't want to be, because it almost sounds like I am being married to him. I just want to take things one day at a time. I don't want to rush or get my hopes up. I just want to grow through the journey with guidance, reason, and wisdom.

I'd say my faith is growing. I notice that I am maturing as a person of love, mercy, forgiveness, and patience. My reaction surprises me at times--and I am grateful that I receive unseen help.

I have never been religious. I believed and had faith; however, my connection has not felt real until last year.

Last year has been difficult. I fell into an abyss and finally crawled out months later. Until recently, I realized how useful and fulfilling it is to be open, free, and connected. It is the only thing that keeps me sane. It is the one thing that reminds me of my value and morals, and the one thing that makes me aware of my thoughts, my observances, and my feelings.

I make sure I handle things gracefully, patiently, and gently. I have always been a merciful person; however, I am keeping my eyes open. I want to keep myself safe, but I want to be courageous and take a leap of faith. I am a sensitive person. I slow to anger. I love, no matter what. I just hope I am not alone when I become older.

Notes to you.

Treat me with integrity, dignity, and respect--or don't treat me at all.

This is not my fault. I have nothing to do with your immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from me to someone else.

I can be vulnerable again, or I can't. If I can't--I will move on. If I can, I am willing to have you earn my trust back and put this relationship together, again.

Forgiveness is choice.