Finally

So glad you came. Now, I'll learn to just be. Thanks.

Come on, 2011.

I just want to cry. Why does it seem so hard to cry?? I know if I did cry, it would take a load off.

I am ready for 2010 to end. I've learned so much, I've seen how I really am, and other things... I just want this year to be over with.

This has been the most difficult year I had to deal with for the past 4 years. I am seriously fed up with a bunch of things. I just want to move forward and just have a clean slate. I just want to be on my own. I want to be satisfied being single. It annoys me. I don't want to deal with those emotions that deal with relationships. Seriously. I'm just fed up with them.

I've only been in love once, and that took a while to happen. I honestly think I cannot "fall" or be "in love" again. I don't know how people do it--fall in love and actually be together and be married. Seriously-props to you!! I admire that, and I can only dream of it. But, it's only a dream, and I don't want to be chasing it.

Why is that? Yes-it scares me because I honestly think it cannot happen. But this is me talking while i am sobering up.

"Glory"

Glory:

Magnificence, splendor, beauty, and wonder. The beauty that inspires feelings of wonder and joy.

I'm lingering.

"Wise women hold on to the promises of God and let go of the things that poison or frustrate life" ("Fight Like a Girl," Lisa Bevere)

Perhaps letting go of the mission group I'm a part of will be better. I already have a bible class in the morning, and the homework is time-consuming and heavy, but absolutely worth it. I am working more hours and I have classes in the week.

I've had a lot on my plate for the past year and a half. All the work and less rest is getting to me. I've become sad, lonelier, and introverted. Most days, I don't feel like doing anything, and I've been tired more so for almost 10 months.

A couple of people asked if I'm depressed, or if I have mild depression. I don't believe so. The only thing that keeps me motivated to get up in the morning (although it's a slow process) is my security in God. I'm happier in church. My joy still lingers, but it's only lingering. At least it's genuine. At least I have my guitar and music. I'm ok.

Double major

Almost done with my AS degree before entering the nursing program.

Many English professors ask me the same thing, "Are you an English major?"

Apparently, I should be.

Honestly, I would not mind, because I love literature, I love writing, I love reading and editing.

Maybe some day.

Standards

My standards are high. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever be in love.

I try to only put a fence up, and not a wall. I want to keep the value of the property high, and not low. I want to have the property open for others to see, but I don't want it tarnished.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will be alone.

Solitude

More and more lately, I've been excluding myself. I procrastinate, fall asleep on my books, and I'm more quiet than usual. Some things I just can't understand. Some things I want to be cleared from. And some things seem so insignificant. I am a sponge but I don't know what to do with it. I'm so limited, but I have so much.

Some things I can't understand. But it's ok.

Check-in

I need to do this, again. :(

Catch Up!

Wow, I fell out of the habit of updating this!

Well, so far I am almost finished with my first year of college. I am currently taking a summer class, and if I continue doing as well as I have been then I can earn my associates degree of science as early as next fall. I will be a nurse in no time!

I am still working for Big 5, but I am currently looking for other opportunities.

My walk with the Lord has been a blessing. He brings the right people into my life when I fall or make mistakes, and during the times of great joy or great regret. My "love life" is currently set on singleness--and it takes time to get use to it, especially since I have been someone's "girlfriend" since I was fifteen. My desires have changed or became apparent recently--I want to feed the hungry, stand beside the broken and dying, and have a family and adopt. I still want to be a nurse, but if God blesses me with these things, I will be overjoyed. If not, well, I know He has great plans for me.

I should update this more. Sorry it's short and bland. :/

Uganda testimony

When I was younger, I had a vision: going to a third world country to feed the hungry; but—I have a confession to make… Going to Africa was the last place I wanted to visit. I knew I was going—I just did not know when. So, it was the last on my list. That occurred to me the first morning in Uganda; I searched within myself as my eyes scanned the rainforest ahead of me. Before I came to Christ, I was scared of going to a place that is unfamiliar; however, I was intrigued by the thought of going—but fear kept me from opening my heart. After I came to Christ, a plethora of things changed… and the desires of my heart shifted from the things I wanted last—to being the first.

I left the States with one of my “life verses”—2 Corinthians 12:9—“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” As I allowed Him in, He strengthened me. He knew the extent of my need to go. Everyday, I was reminded of His presence and power. His presence in Uganda is REAL. The worship is REAL. The love is REAL. In Uganda, I allowed the Holy Spirit in—in ALL situations, and called on God for strength—because “the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

In 14 days we operated 15 medical and deworming clinics in the slums and villages. We volunteered in Sanyu Baby Home orphanage, visited the New Creation Centre for school, spent time with the orphans of Loving One By One’s New Creation Family Home, and ministered in a hospital and burn clinic, and brought a few loads of donations to the villages.

Now, I have a few things to share with you, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters” (Genesis 1:1&2). As we approached our first AIDs village, it felt like that in my heart—empty, formless… God knew all of us from the beginning. He knew the hearts of men, and God knows when a heart will dramatically change from “darkness” to the light. During the trip, I turned from a believer in the Word, to a genuine servant in reverence to the almighty God.

A line of cheers and laughter greeted us. The outside of the small church was crowded with grandparents and children. I shook many hands, hugged the children that ran up to me, and saw tears from the grandparents as they personally thanked us for being an answer to their prayers. I made my way to the side door of the church, walked up the steps of the stage, looked to the crowd—then the vision from my eyes paused. The church was packed. There were little heads peaking through the windows looking-in, and a short song of love for Jesus. My heart welled, but I witnessed something beautiful—the presence of Jesus Christ is in the room. I have never seen it look so real, so loving, and so pure. I could hear Him say to me, “Love these people as I love you. These are my children, and they are precious,” “God,” I said, “You asked me to love these people…” I felt so weak—then I felt it. It did not come from me—it came through me. His love. I felt like I was dancing to the beat of Jesus’ heart. I was moving, loving, looking, holding. I thought—this is a different love. A love I never experienced. I was with Him, and surrounded in His love. After this, I was reminded daily of His presence and power.

I learned a few things the first week. One day, we went to Mulago Hospital, and ministered to the children and adults before or after their surgeries. In addition, we made a visit to the burn clinic. I learned about a baby boy (Gazarian) and his story. His mother attempted to burn, and kill, herself and her children. Five of his siblings died along with her, but he survived. I spoke with the grandmother (Mary). She was hopeless, weak, and exhausted. I asked if I could pray for her and the baby, who was severely burned on most of his body. I felt myself becoming weak again… I closed my eyes and prayed. The little strength I had was giving way. In the middle of prayer, in tears, I asked the Holy Spirit to strengthen me, and help me pray. I can see so many broken hearts, beautiful hearts… some were melted on parts of their body, others would not even look me. I felt that same love I had at the AIDs village again. As an answer to prayer, Sherry, our leader, came in and burst into song about Jesus, and the patients sang along. If she had not come in, I would have forgotten how to laugh. For a moment, their sorrows, and mine, melted away. Laughter is a gift from God; therefore, we need to remember to rejoice always—because the Lord is near. Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” God is the antidote for fear and loneliness. The children, especially, have reminded me the most of that. Their laughter, joy, and genuine worship for God kept me repeating with them, “God is good—all the time.”

On the last day of our clinic, one of the nurses gave a sex-ed class in the school that Sherry runs. The first group was with the younger ones, and the second group was with the older ones. The classes were separated into boys and girls. The first group of boys went in a separate room than the girls, and the first class was just on the changes their bodies will go through. The second, older group, went further. Sherry asked if anyone wanted to stick back and support the kids. I volunteered, and she asked me if I could speak on purity, and what it means to me. Bear in mind that it’s common for these girls to have been victims of some type of sexual activity and what-not—so, I told them a story so they can relate. I encouraged them, and I asked that they pray about making a commitment to purity. The girls left, and the Uganda team of girls that stuck back prayed, and waited. Suddenly, there was a line outside the door. Most or all the girls came back, waiting to receive their ring and make a commitment to purity. In addition, I was given a ring as a gift from Sherry.

Being in Uganda allowed me to be still. I asked the Lord to be the only one stirring in my heart. When I was with Him, His love surrounded me. When I was brought to His side, he lifted me up on eagle’s wings. I received abundantly from Christ through the children and community in Uganda. We went there to serve, but God used the children and community to minister to us through Jesus Christ. I witnessed the beauty of people the first day, and I have never experienced the power of prayer coming from children’s mouths.

I left Uganda with this scripture on my heart: Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” God’s purpose is the most powerful force in shaping me into the person He plans for me to become.

My relationship with God since the trip has been closer and humbling. He is real in my life and the lives I saw. My reliance in Him has grown. My prayer-life with Him has grown. I’m clinging onto Him, because He is the one who keeps me standing. I live and breathe because of Him. He must increase, and I must decrease (John 3:30).

He is the only one who can improve us. Our lives should be characterized by moral purity, patience, and peacefulness… a transformed life is an effective witness to the power of God’s Word. God wants us to be stripped of ourselves, and be in the likeness of Him-the one who carried us on His back and spilled His blood on our hearts to cover us in righteousness.

Something else I learned—we are made to express His love. His love wipes away all fears. His love did immeasurably more than I thought. His love opened my heart. As the children and orphans of Uganda say, “Hallelujah! Amen! God is good—all the time!”

I hope that my heart will become what it was in Uganda, and more. I sought for a heart of God, and I seek to grow more humbly as His servant in reverence to who is His, because I am who I am in Him, and I belong to Him.