I have to remember my value.

It is the people I least expect that remind me what is important: My value, my body, and my mind. In addition- and I am not much of a family person- it reminds me of the family I have.

Recently, I acknowledged that I do miss Sean. The one thing that I will always love of him is his passion towards animals. No one gets my way of animals than he does. He is amazing towards them. The quality of his is what I fell for in the beginning, among others. He is a great person. Very intellectual and nurturing.

There is one thing that gets to me-- sex. Sex is important and it is something I do not take lightly. I believe that if I decide to put it off, it ought to be respected. "People have turned sex, the act where you're most vulnerable, into a recreational activity." - my friend, Courtney. Sometimes, I forget what my values are.

I receive support in other areas from my family, however, sex or my value was not discussed as often as it ought to be. We spoke about protection, if I were pregnant, etc. I am not saying I grew up sheltered in that way, we had other things to worry and talk about. During those difficult circumstances with my family, they were top priority. I was raised in a Catholic family. I have been raised to be an open, understanding, and obedient. We spoke of life, where we are going next, where we are living, what we are going to eat, what I believed on my brother's upbringing, etc. I made it clear that I do not want my brother to be raised in circumstances we had: unstable and emotionally closed. Those were important. I thought of others before me, and I learned that from my mother. Unfortunately, the conversations were not about my value as a human, as a woman, etc. Therefore, keeping the values I have created on my own or by observation, can be difficult to keep.

Now, it is easy for me to keep my values with others, however, with Sean, it is different. We were together for three and a half years and lived together for two. Moreover, my vulnerability is easily cracked. Emotionally, I do love him-- I always will, and I care and miss him. He is a great person and he does want a friendship, and maybe more.

I have been in conflict with myself because I remind myself why we broke, what happened, what I feel, etc. In addition, there is someone new. I do not want a relationship and I made it clear to both of them. Sean and I have a history, and who knows where it can go from here. He is more than a piece that brought me to California with no family or friends. As for the other one, he is someone new--something new; however, not serious or am I making it a priority.

I just have to remember what I want, what I feel, and think. I have to remember my value. I will leave the rest to the Higher Power or Mother Nature.

Courtney's mother: "Those guys don't know what they're missing out on, because you're beautiful, and you're absolutely amazing. I'm not saying that only because I'm your mother, I'm saying that because you deserve someone who's going to be willing to give you everything, as you're willing to give others everything."

I hope my choice of moving out is a right one.

I am fed up with relying on anyone for rides. I have been without a ride twice this week from my roommates, and last night was the worse. Instead of receiving a call from a drunk roommate and another with a painful back, I receive a text; hence, I read the text once I am off work. No one was able to give me a ride to the other side of town; however, my manager said she can drop me off at Sean's. She did. He was not there. I kept calling for rides and ended up crying like an idiot in his open garage with a black kitty following me and keeping me company (I love cats). After Kathleen (Sean's mom) checks up on me the third time, she decides she will take me home (she was asleep and lushed when I called her).

She told me I need to get out of this place, and I agree with her. She said she will help me find a place, a job close by, and look for a car.

Frankly, if I lose contact with my "friends" from work and at home, I don't care. I have tried very hard to be patient and let it all slide--but I had enough. I don't need to deal with this.

Oh, and as for Sean--he can wait. I need to take care of myself first.

Blasphemous!

I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy the tranquility and my state of mind.

Sadly, that wears off when I feel caved in or emotionally repressed.
I cannot stay home longer than a day unless I had a well-lit room from the sun and peace-like scenery.

Being in this apartment I can feel my energy lapsing. Moreover, I am alone, and when there is company, well, I would have to say the energy or "vibe" I feed from them is negative or down. I begin to feel some repressed emotions? I thought I had it handled! Obviously, I do not; or, perhaps, I have been denying myself of emotions--then I, unexpectedly, am slapped in the face with them. I thought I came to terms with my thoughts and emotions. What more do they want from me? Truth? Okay, let's try it! I am afraid. Good. I accept. I will let it go. I am worried. Yes, yes I am! I am being vulnerable, again (I am not going to be vulnerable!).

Alternatively, do I handle them best when I go out? Therefore, I come home, with a free mind and open heart, I accept things and yes, I am happier when I come to terms with whatever it may be. On the other hand, is that the reason for my repression?

I am unsure if this makes sense.

It is troublesome creating a war between my head and heart. I fall asleep restless and light. What happened? I should not create screenplays in my head or fights with invisible people. I ought to let go, correct?

I spent a couple days with Sean and his mother. He needs help buying a car. I know he is more than capable of doing that on his own; however, the state of Rosalie's wellness is creating a burden on him. He is unsure how much longer she will live. He remarks that he is "screwed when she dies," and needs help looking for a place and buying a car. He hates asking for help. Moreover, he asked if I could do him a favor.

One day I was at his place, talking and catching up. He was bored, and said he missed me. I told him (before I left) that my mom would be sending me money that is well over $12,000.

The next day we were talking, and he asked if I could help him out. I know him well; I know it is difficult for him to ask favors. I know he is sincere when he said I am the only one he can trust.

I will be giving him money to buy a car.

I do not want any of my friends or family know about this. I do not mind if he told his family or friends what I am doing--I care less of what they think. Moreover, it is not that I care what my "friends" or family thinks- it is that I depend on them now, and I absolutely do not want questioning or talk going on behind my back. Since they are close--I cannot deal with it and I live with two of them. I already feel a strain with Kristene and Mike. I have this nagging feeling that they are pretty close to kicking me out, talking about my faults and actions, and are annoyed by me.

Therefore, what is possibly going on between my head and heart?
Well, I believe it is not my heart; it is something else that I cannot place my tiny finger on. Fear, perhaps? Insecurity? Well, let us see.
I am afraid/insecure that I am being used for money. Not my friendship. It will not be the first time he has been nice to someone to obtain some cash (from his father).
Let me say that I do not blame him or his brother being amiable toward their dad for a while. Their father left them when they were young. He played around with different women and was abusive. When their father walked back into their life, he offered them money, plenty of money, if they had him stay at their/our place for the remainder of his project. When he left, he stole their things. Sean wanted them back, and for a while, believed his father really is a good person who does love them. Therefore, he played nice. He called him, asked for his things back, oh, and let us not forget the cash. Their father did not contact them, again.
That has been the only time since I have known Sean for doing that. I believe I am in a similar position at the moment with my biological father (it's awkward saying sweet things to a man whom I had ill memories of. I do not say sweet things to him as much as he does to me. It's funny how he can say them without raising me. He possibly thinks I do not remember the things he has done to my mom.). I will be amiable towards him when he shows he does care and is sorry for not being there.

This is when I start to rationalize between my head and "heart."

1. Sean asked to be friends first before knowing about the money. He showed courtesy and amiableness towards me.
2. I know when he is being sincere.
3. I know he does not trust anyone. The years we spent together developed a trust I know is difficult for him to develop with others.
4. He has been kind and patient towards me when I had to vent or cry. He knows how to calm me.
5. I know him; and it surpasses the doubt or fear I had in the beginning.
   

Now, I know I can trust him; however, can I trust myself to the vulnerability I am opening myself to?
I believe that is the real war between my head and heart.