A few days ago, I had a conversation with my mother, revolving around college. She said we would have financial trouble if I decide to have them stay in California with me. If I were to move to Hawaii with my aunt and uncle, to Reno with my cousin, or to Vegas with strangers, we will not have financial trouble.
She makes my situation and hers seem helpless. This is how my parents work: run away from your problems, and say, "We are starting off new." In actuality, we start all over again from the beginning of our troubles. My parent's do not have enough faith or support. It brings me down because they think the worse; however, I do understand the reality of it and their reasoning, but it will not hurt to try it for once, instead of making me feel guilty.
It does not seem like anyone can help with my situation. I have this idiosyncrasy of believing that if I have a problem--it is not for anyone else to deal with.
I thought, "I ought to leave..." however, that is something I feel against, strongly.
My aunts, my uncles, and my cousins are content and happy where they are. Why does it seem I am unable to have that? Why is it that I have to drop everything I have, want, and desire for others or for my parents? They say California will always be here. I am happy here. Why is it they want me to drop that?
For the past twenty years, I have dropped everything for them. I followed them. I dealt with their circumstances. The reason I live in California is that my mother did not want me to go through it again--with them.
What is God trying to make me do? Is he telling me to leave, again? On the other hand, is he telling me to see what I can do to make it work?
I prayed for guidance and wisdom; however, how do I know if I am heading in the right direction? I become skeptic of my own conscience and delve more than I need too. What happens if I overlook something (that is a door to something great)? I know what I want and how I feel--are they right? I do not know whether my conscience is telling me to stay, or a deep desire--overshadowing the correct way. I don't know if my heart is telling me the correct way to go. I question myself more than I need too. Should I listen and put faith into it--even if it is a risk?
I have a strong feeling to stay in California, and give what I have a chance. I imagine things falling into place if I did not run away. I have something telling me not to give up and leave. I have something telling me I should not turn away. I have something telling me I will be unhappy if I left.
To do what is easiest and guilt-free for my family has been top priority. I never did it for myself. Logically, staying here is a financial risk; however, it does not matter to me. I want to try. Should I take that as a sign? My mother contradicts that.
I believe I came to California for a reason. My life started when I came here. It seems pointless for me to leave after almost three years. There has to be a reason. I would not have come to California and just leave thinking my time here has been insignificant.
If I left, I would be ignoring my conscience and heart.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
Catching up
I suppose I have not kept you up-to-date with- or how things are. I'm sorry. :)
First, I have been excited that I can go to school in the spring. I have taken the placement tests, signed up for financial aid, spoke with a counselor, and made an "educational plan" for my major in radiology. The same day we spoke, I registered for five classes, and in mid-spring, I would have to speak with one of the radiology counselors and talk about transferring for neuroradiology.
Unfortunately, I had to drop my classes (all of them), and wait until fall to go to college. Why did I do this (I was deeply upset and angry)? Well, one of my roommates (my friend's husband) was angry with me because I was not taking more hours at work. Hence, he wants me to pay an extra $100 for rent, and go to work full-time. Couldn't I just go to school at nights, after work? Sounds good, however, I do not have a car, nor a license to drive! (I am hoping I take the test soon. Everyone is too busy to teach me. I can drive-- however; I do not have enough experience on the road or freeways. :( ).
At the moment, Justin (the new guy I spoke of in the previous entry) and his parents are helping me look for a place...
My mom and I spoke. She and my step dad want to help. They are thinking, A) My mom, my step dad, my brother and I move to Vegas, and he will work at a casino; or B) my mom, my brother and I can find a place here, and my step dad will pay our rent. I am thinking I want to work full time too, just in case, and go to school at night. My mom disagrees-- she wants me to focus on school, and work part-time. She will work. I have been stressed over this, but as long as I get my mind off it for most of the day, I can handle it just fine.
One of (and perhaps the only) reasons why I have not been keeping up to date is because I have been spending a lot of my time with Justin and his family. For the second reason, when I did have the time, I could not get my thoughts straight; and third, I could not find the time and space I needed for clarity.
For Thanksgiving, I spent it at his aunt's house. It was amazing. Funny thing is I was laughing so much I had an asthma attack. They took care of me though, and it was the first time he called me "babe," so it was cute.
For Christmas, I was going to be alone. They invited me (and my roommate) over and we played games, ate a lot of food, and of course, opened presents. I felt very spoiled and touched.
I still talk to Sean. In fact, I spent the day with him and Jesse when he got off work. It is nice that we are able to talk and laugh together, still. My feelings for him are only friendly. I do care about him and he still cares for me; however, that is far as it will go. We cannot see ourselves together, again. Justin is fine with it. He trusts me, although he does worry. I do not blame him, I trust him; however, I worry over his long-time friend and him. I won't get into that, though.
Hm, it's not a detailed post, but it is something. :)
First, I have been excited that I can go to school in the spring. I have taken the placement tests, signed up for financial aid, spoke with a counselor, and made an "educational plan" for my major in radiology. The same day we spoke, I registered for five classes, and in mid-spring, I would have to speak with one of the radiology counselors and talk about transferring for neuroradiology.
Unfortunately, I had to drop my classes (all of them), and wait until fall to go to college. Why did I do this (I was deeply upset and angry)? Well, one of my roommates (my friend's husband) was angry with me because I was not taking more hours at work. Hence, he wants me to pay an extra $100 for rent, and go to work full-time. Couldn't I just go to school at nights, after work? Sounds good, however, I do not have a car, nor a license to drive! (I am hoping I take the test soon. Everyone is too busy to teach me. I can drive-- however; I do not have enough experience on the road or freeways. :( ).
At the moment, Justin (the new guy I spoke of in the previous entry) and his parents are helping me look for a place...
My mom and I spoke. She and my step dad want to help. They are thinking, A) My mom, my step dad, my brother and I move to Vegas, and he will work at a casino; or B) my mom, my brother and I can find a place here, and my step dad will pay our rent. I am thinking I want to work full time too, just in case, and go to school at night. My mom disagrees-- she wants me to focus on school, and work part-time. She will work. I have been stressed over this, but as long as I get my mind off it for most of the day, I can handle it just fine.
One of (and perhaps the only) reasons why I have not been keeping up to date is because I have been spending a lot of my time with Justin and his family. For the second reason, when I did have the time, I could not get my thoughts straight; and third, I could not find the time and space I needed for clarity.
For Thanksgiving, I spent it at his aunt's house. It was amazing. Funny thing is I was laughing so much I had an asthma attack. They took care of me though, and it was the first time he called me "babe," so it was cute.
For Christmas, I was going to be alone. They invited me (and my roommate) over and we played games, ate a lot of food, and of course, opened presents. I felt very spoiled and touched.
I still talk to Sean. In fact, I spent the day with him and Jesse when he got off work. It is nice that we are able to talk and laugh together, still. My feelings for him are only friendly. I do care about him and he still cares for me; however, that is far as it will go. We cannot see ourselves together, again. Justin is fine with it. He trusts me, although he does worry. I do not blame him, I trust him; however, I worry over his long-time friend and him. I won't get into that, though.
Hm, it's not a detailed post, but it is something. :)
Last night a thought or two passed through-- "I cannot be in a relationship. I cannot have one." I knew I was beginning to feel fear. I felt the urge to end a relationship for no logical reason. Something deep triggered me and it felt great-- however, it came with a thick layer of fear and rejection.
As I realized this, I knew I was crazy, and this is my way of pushing people away. I renounced that, and told myself to get a grip and let it go.
As I realized this, I knew I was crazy, and this is my way of pushing people away. I renounced that, and told myself to get a grip and let it go.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
I never mentioned I'm with someone. It is the same guy I was dating around October. The same guy I didn't want to get serious with because I was already happy, and I didn't need or expect anyone or a relationship. Funny how things work out.
If it had not been for his family, I think it would have taken longer for me to accept being with him.
I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them, and spent New Years Eve with his friends.
That will be all for now. :)
If it had not been for his family, I think it would have taken longer for me to accept being with him.
I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them, and spent New Years Eve with his friends.
That will be all for now. :)
Monday, January 05, 2009
"That's life."
I deeply dislike that phrase. It is saying- I am going to let it be, I give up, I am not happy, there is nothing you or I can do about it, etc.
When I was young, I used this phrase often with my parents, and to others who can relate. I realize one thing I felt as I said it-- there is nothing you, I, or we can do about it. I see how easily I, and others, give up.
This time, I am tired of hearing that. It does not make things better. It is a destined failure on top of our pessimism.
Last night as I came home, I was unexpectedly hit with doubt, anger, and failure; hence, I looked for apartments until three in the morning.
As I woke, something changed in my attitude. "I am not going to let this bring me down- as I have let others," "It is not the destination, as admirable as it is to succeed with your goals, it is the journey that is significant and satisfying," and, "I will not be going through this unless I can handle it."
I thrive for personal power guided by grace. I will not let this stop me. I will not let this stop me from going to school.
I embraced those negative and uncomfortable feelings last night, and this morning, I renounced them and my present situation, along with others that will be coming and felt deeply driven to persevere.
Life is what we make it. To say, "That's life," is an easy way out of a problem and in my opinion leads to unhappiness. I choose to be happy. I am choosing to surrender, to act, and to have faith. That is the best thing I can do at my age. I will put my trust in my parents. I believe things will work out. I will move-in with them when they come down. It will work out.
I deeply dislike that phrase. It is saying- I am going to let it be, I give up, I am not happy, there is nothing you or I can do about it, etc.
When I was young, I used this phrase often with my parents, and to others who can relate. I realize one thing I felt as I said it-- there is nothing you, I, or we can do about it. I see how easily I, and others, give up.
This time, I am tired of hearing that. It does not make things better. It is a destined failure on top of our pessimism.
Last night as I came home, I was unexpectedly hit with doubt, anger, and failure; hence, I looked for apartments until three in the morning.
As I woke, something changed in my attitude. "I am not going to let this bring me down- as I have let others," "It is not the destination, as admirable as it is to succeed with your goals, it is the journey that is significant and satisfying," and, "I will not be going through this unless I can handle it."
I thrive for personal power guided by grace. I will not let this stop me. I will not let this stop me from going to school.
I embraced those negative and uncomfortable feelings last night, and this morning, I renounced them and my present situation, along with others that will be coming and felt deeply driven to persevere.
Life is what we make it. To say, "That's life," is an easy way out of a problem and in my opinion leads to unhappiness. I choose to be happy. I am choosing to surrender, to act, and to have faith. That is the best thing I can do at my age. I will put my trust in my parents. I believe things will work out. I will move-in with them when they come down. It will work out.
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