Want the truth?

Sean and I are in good terms, again.

It does not take away the wonder and possibilities. I am afraid of opening myself again--to him and others.

I will be honest; I have wondered and played things in my mind. I tell myself they are only desires and of rekindling the past, and that I should not take those silly thoughts of mine seriously. I am determined and fighting for my will to be single for at least a year or year and a half. I am determined to be independent and emotionally ready for a relationship, and we know that can take time. Although it seems like I have moved on and seem better off, I know I have not completely moved on, and I do not think I am better off. Things happen. We learn. We grow. I do not regret it. I learned to love the lesson with the pain.
I know that I am not at all ready for a relationship, even with Sean. I do believe things can work out-- that is, if it's meant to be.

As I tell myself the desires and reminiscence are only that, and that I should forget it, I remind myself that I need to tell myself the truth. Yes, I do want things to work out; yes, I miss him; yes, I see myself with him; and yes, we will grow old together. I learned that I have to tell myself the truth, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let it go.
It works, for the most part; and the practice gets better. Letting things go have been easier and rewarding.

So yes, I do love him, and I know I always will. If it works out, it will work out. In addition, as I have said in the past entries, if I were to go into a relationship, I want it to go somewhere--with, or without him.



On to a different topic, I received my diploma and transcript the other night! I was in tears and felt relieved. I cannot wait until spring!

I made copies for Dreux in Human Resources and I hope he can give me a position in the office.
Starting this Tuesday I work in the store. If I cannot get a position in the office, I am looking for a freight company close by.

Fear pt. II

There was a time when I believed I would be safer without love. Love seemed forced and troublesome, and I thought people who took risks for the person they loved to be in a phase. Love for another person seemed full of hardship and I did not want to take any part of it.

I believed I could not find a person whom I was attracted to in some way to love me. I thought love for me was a joke.

I was disappointed in myself for the love I had of one person. I believed I was better. I did not know how deep I was in until it was over.

There was a time when I was with him that I cannot or will not find anyone whom I felt deeply for to love me as much as he did. I believed there was no one else for me, and that he was the only person love me. I felt rejected in many ways to myself. I simply thought I was not good enough for anyone-- even him.

I realize now how silly I was to think that way. A part of me believes there is no man who can love me and spend his life with me. I know there is a part of me that closes off, and perhaps that is the reason why I do not take chances to be in a relationship and have that person be with me.

People did love me, and I went away.

I believe in universal love. This is the reason why I call myself "the hippie." It's simple. Love all. Love my surroundings; love the animals, the people--even the ones who do not want it. Just love. Always love. Hate is strong. I do not want any of that negative energy passing through me. I believe in love, energy, and knowledge. "With love comes understanding, respect, kindness, generosity, and happiness. It is a circle, what you give returns."

Love is effort. In a relationship, it takes two to make it work.
The next relationship I will be in has to go somewhere. I do not want to waste anyone's time.

I have to be careful with my defenses. I know I push others away when they come close. When I think I am being hurt or rejected, I close myself. I become emotionally detached. I have to be with a person who understands that and knows how to work around it.

There are things I have to understand, too...

I know I have to continue to grow in love with myself before I am in another relationship.

For the highest good, I am clearing all obstacles and blockages to writing my Requiem-personal story. ;)

And publish a book of my poetry.

Obstacles

I keep having this image of me in a lab coat, or doctor's coat. I am not sure if it's a fantasy. I am unsure if being a doctor or specialist in a hospital looks intriguing or if it is something I want to do.

I do want to major in neurology. Either as a neurosurgeon or neuro-radiologist, or something in that field. As for a career it is something I want for myself. I want to accomplish more than what my parents have. I want a life they did not have while living with them.

What I want to do and accomplish more is being better than they are. Is going in the medical field too far fetched? Or is it something that my heart really wants?

Yes, I want it. I have always been attracted to science and find the human body fascinating; however, is that enough for me to work for?

The obstacles:

• I do not have the money for med school; however, I can go to a community college for radiology.
• I am afraid I will not be good enough or fast enough.
• I do not have a car, therefore, going to school will be unsafe at night by myself.
  
• I am afraid I will not accomplish my goal soon enough because of the lack of time I have for school.
• If I did have a car, will I be exhausted and unable to keep up with going to school full time and work full time?
• I am by myself. I sense I do not have as much support in California.
• If I did (by some miracle) go to med school and pass, will I have a naked ring finger for the rest of my life?

For the highest good, I am clearing all obstacles and blockages to a bright future- a successful and loving future. A future in the medical and/or science field.

Fear pt. I

All week I have been feeling this resistance called fear. In the beginning, I believed I was only scared; however, it is not love that scares me, it is the fear of losing that love, again. In addition, it is the fear of being in love.

I often put a story on what and how love ought or is. Moreover, when I am in the situation of "in love" I become so frightened of it that I end it alone.

I don't want to list what I want in love or what there has to be with that person. When there is that "something" it will be difficult to describe.

It is not only intellectual; in the beginning, I thought I will only be attracted to others intellectually. I have once said that an active mind feeds the desires I hold in my mind-- I realize it is more than that. I can be intellectually stimulated and believe I am feeling a strong emotion towards that person, however, that is not the only case. There has to be something more.

Therefore, why is it that I am afraid of personal love? I love life, my friends, et cetera, but when it comes to my personal love it becomes difficult for me to handle.

Flashes of my family's past quickly overtakes my vision.
It makes sense to why I have a problem with personal love.

I am able to connect with others very well, but when I start to feel an attachment from someone (mainly, the opposite sex) I passively push them away. I start to feel something enclosing inside of me and my actions are emotionally-detached from that person. I cannot even feel bad for doing it, or for being that way to them.

Moreover, when it came to being with Sean, I was completely opened and vulnerable; however, I did what I now realize is picayune: I developed a picture in my mind. I was frightened of that being destroyed-- and I destroyed it.

I came to accept that I do love him. In the beginning I would have cursed myself for loving him; however, I have forgiven everything. I love him, and it doesn't hurt loving him. I put up a barrier to how much I can love him. I will always love him, but I will not allow myself to cross the line.

What I believe of love will be for another entry.

I came back from Miami October 5th. I cannot believe I am back. I knew how it is going to be like when I am back in California...

The week went by quickly once I arrived. I wonder why that is?

You know how it is when you're having a good time and the time or week goes by quickly? It did not for me in Miami.

Being in Miami with Jeanette and her friends made it wonderful. I had a great time. Two weeks felt longer and every day there was something new.

We went to the Metro Zoo, Vizcaya (beautiful home and gardens), had an apartment on the beach, went out at night, going to South Beach, and their surprise party for me before I left (glow stick war!).

The time there did not seem or feel short. The time there is what I needed. The time there did not have to go by quickly. I am glad it did not. I needed that time to rejuvenate myself. Find peace within myself and gain wisdom. I was happy, serene, tranquil, and in love with life.

I allowed myself to fall in love with the action of love, as I was around Jeanette and Danny. Noticing their actions toward each other swept me with love, and the acceptance that I do not need to be in love to feel love. I felt theirs-- and that is all I needed. I do not need a relationship when I see one working in love.

As I have said in a past entry,- love takes effort.
Someone once told me that falling in love is easy. I argued that is not love. It takes work. Love with your significant other is precious. Falling in love takes time. Staying in love takes effort.

Being in love with life and people around me is all I need right now. I do not need to be with someone to know that.



I did not worry over money, bills, a car, work, or pressure as I do in California. When one does not think of money or experience the pressure of others, they are happy. For instance, when my family and I did not have money, when we did not have many things, when we slept on the floor, went from place to place, stayed in the car, had very little food-- I was grateful for what I had at the time. From what I have been through when I was very young taught me to appreciate the things I had, and not worry about what I did not have. Money does not create happiness. A currency that is involved in our life.

"There are times of stress, but sometimes you forget you're poor-- even when you don't have money-- and you start to think you're rich." - Melody Beattie


This is how it was like for those two weeks.


Now, I experienced my first week back in California, renewed. The week went by quickly, and everyday was the same. The thing that was mainly on my mind this week was money. I will be broke after I pay the rent, buy food, and pay my final payment for my school.

Although I have been slightly stressed (I have been using what I learned and read while I was in Miami to help me go through the day), I have been somewhat calm. I read and meditated once I arrive home from work. I turn off my phone, grab my iPod and put on my Feng Shui: Music for balanced living on. I start to read, write, and by the time I was done, I laid down and closed my eyes, and listened to the music. It is the closest to serenity I can achieve. It is the closet I can get, as if I was in Miami.

Morever, I am back. I am being impeccable with my word, although I do not speak much or at all here. I am telling myself not to take things personally (I remind myself of this anytime an unwanted emotion strikes me, and it happens a lot). I do not make assumptions. Above all, I am trying my best.

Am I just making this up?

I took the time to think about what compels me. They are:

• Music & writing: Singing, writing, song-writing, performing, dancing, composing, etc.
• Art & photography.
• Dance.
• Learning about the human body, especially the brain.
  
• Seeing people in lab coats mixing chemicals, testing (no animal testing!), and solving the purpose or defect and how or why it works they way it does.

Art and science compels me.

The arts have always compelled me and stirred something inside of me. I am in a zone of unlimited creativity and fresh air. This is the time I feel the world at peace. My mind at ease and my soul open to life and void. I tell life and void to "come hither."

Science-- especially chemistry, biology, and physical science-- intellectually stimulates me. I get a "high" from it. I have always enjoyed it, and I remember coming home from school and someone asks me how was my day or what did I learn. What I learned in science is usually the topic of my day, and I enjoy telling it and making my own theories or whatnot.


What have I done with them, so far?
As for the arts: I still write poetry. I still sing, although my voice is not to par as it was when I had lessons. The flow in my "dance" is emerging from many years I have buried it. I do not write songs, anymore; I started playing the guitar after not playing for two years. I'm playing the violin, again. I'm starting to feel inspired to take pictures as I used to. I have not performed in years.

As for science: I always had a talent in science. In addition, I have been to the Body World Exhibit (I love it) over the summer. My friend bought me the Gray's Anatomy book by Henry Gray. I watch the science channel, especially when it is about the brain and nervous system. I read up on it as often as I can. I was looking into neurosurgery-- too pricey, and I need a lot of time to engross myself into it. I am interested in neuro-radiology, and that is where I am now.


Three steps to make my "passion" central in my life:

1. Make some type of "art" a habit everyday.
2. Study the brain and nervous system.
3. Have "science" become my major in college; in addition, be involved in a "creative" club or class (therefore, I will be surrounded by like-minded people).
   

Passion: medical field? or art?

As I read these self-help and spiritual books--, I am starting to second-guess the career I ought to take.

Am I passionate enough? Do I have what it takes and energy and love for neurology?

It intrigues me. I do not tire from learning; however, will that make me happy? Will that fulfill my spirit? Am I passionate, enough? God, if it is-- work it.

When I was younger, the thing that set me free and blissful was music and dance. I have a gift for poetry. Is this what I ought to do, instead? Yes, I can go to college for these, however, how stable is it? Moreover, will it provide enough for me? My (future) family? Bills? etc. It does not seem stable to me.

Therefore, am I pushing myself to feel passionate about something else? If or when I go into the medical field, I want to be happy. I know it will provide. Is that the reason why it drives me or intrigues me? God, if this is what you want me to do, you're going to have to make it happen.

I have to believe. Something has to happen to make me believe the medical field is the right path. God, I need a sign.

Fourth Agreement. Soul Surviving Kit.

Fourth Agreement: Always try your best.



++++++++++++++++++++


The things and people who comforts my soul, and reminds me what it is and who it wants to be:

Jeanette. My "soul" sister.

Imagining I am in Washington state, again. A clear blue sky with a few clouds, open field, and slight breeze. I walk in my dream up the hill towards a creek. Across from me are houses. As I look back, the house I came from is smaller. I smile and feel the breeze. The sun. Listen to the birds and slight noises around me.

At Palos Verdes. On a hill or rock-- over looking the ocean. Listening to the waves. Feeling the air. I am connected, again.

A new one: in my room, meditating.

Writing; or, writing or reading poetry. Books.

In a bookstore. I love getting lost in there. I feel myself open. I feel like a blissful child.

My stuff animal- Minnie Mouse.

Feeling the sun on my face as I close my eyes. I feel connected.

Music. It reminds me of emotions or debacles. Allows me to cry and heal. Allows me to be inspired and strong.

Dance and dancing.







These are my connections.

Third Agreement: Don't make assumptions.


Sounds easy; however, understanding the importance is not enough. The information or importance is merely a seed in your mind. It is the action that nurtures it.

Taking the action over and over again will strengthen the will.

Ask questions. Be clear with one another. Be impeccable with your word.
Use words for "giving, sharing, and loving."

If someone accepts or loves you the way you are, take them. If not, tell them to find someone else.

Second Agreement: Don't take things personally.



Agreement one: Be impeccable with your words. Words has an affect on others. Do not bring others down; it will just go back to you and bring you in a hell that is not worth living.

Don't take things personally. What others say- good or bad-- don't take it personally. It's their issues they are dealing with. Be content with yourself. Be happy with yourself. Accept how others are and you will be immune to the hell and poison around. Love yourself and you will create peace within.


Don't take things personally.