I'm writing this because I'm upset:

I want a break up. I want someone who is kind, intelligent, observant, and a best friend.
When I think he cannot trust me, I am insecure. (He is intelligent and observant. He is kind. I realize that, now.)

Over the last year I wrote the reasons why I cannot or do not want a break up.

I just feel so alone with him. I want to be with him. I have become vulnerable and I dislike it; it reminds me of my mother.
I wish things were better. I pray for us to work out. I want them to. I want him to try.

He just seems uninterested. I wish he were not. If I say, I'm unhappy or whatnot he believes it is a phase and I will or ought to get over it if I went away. However, going away will not help things. It will not solve anything.

When I was at church the other day, I saw couples holding each other, glancing at one another, squeezing their significant other's hand.
I want that. I have wanted that.

It has been over a year and it seems hopeless, now. I am praying there is hope. I pray for us more throughout the day when I am not with him, when I'm mad, upset, or happy. I pray for us before I go to bed and sadly and pathetically repeat it.

All my things in the storage are gone.
My parents continue moving.
My parents refuse to pay my school.
They are (I am) in Collection, again.
My work wants to give me a promotion once I have my high school diploma.
I love the beach.
I feel independent here.
I have freedom here.
Nonetheless, I am happy here.

Moreover, there is only one reason I want to leave California; it is the same reason I want to stay...

I have thoughts I feel guilty of. These thoughts fill a void I wish were faithful. I am faithful; however, my thoughts clearly are not. I want to imagine someone here to listen, support, and encourage me to keep fighting. I thought I had a best friend, but this friend seems more like a roommate; not even a friend, not even like a coworker.

I am closer to people at work than I am at home.
What is wrong with me? What is my problem?

I am not married. Why do I feel like it? Why do I fight for us as if we were married? Why do I keep doing this? Why can I not just go? Why do I not have the strength to go? Why am I like my mother?

This is the weakness I loath. I never wanted to be vulnerable. I found out I am. I do not want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the weakness I want at bay.

So, why am I here? Why do I live here?

As I say or think that, in the back of my mind all the reasons come up. So, why do I say it? I don't want to input the reasons. I have done it a plethora of times.

I want this clutch off.

I am praying. I love. I forgive. I stay.

Yesterday at church, the pastor said to remember these twelve words: 1. I was wrong, 2. I am sorry, 3. Please forgive me, and 4. I love you.

The storage in Vegas sold our provisions, again. It is the third and last storage, and it had my most valuable possessions. All my notebooks, books, my poetry from my younger years, my art, my sketches, photographs, and guitar are now gone. I thought losing my things in the storage, in California, when I was twelve was upsetting.

The one thing that upsets me most is the lies. I cannot comprehend the anger and hurt I felt on the phone; I ought to be used to this. I cannot believe that after all the years of going through things more than once results in nothing learned.

I dislike that they would not allow me to know or do anything to help. I know better than to hand our things to someone else.

This is perhaps the reason why I have trust issues.

the moonlight shines and the sun becomes a glittering daylight

I know I have said that things with Sean and me have been better.
It was only a great, and short time, until I kept thinking about leaving.

I have thought of leaving plenty of times last year, and my excuses were: "my parents does not have a place of their own," "I don't have a familiar room to go to," "they can't stay in one place," "I will have nothing with them," "they are always moving and have financial problems," "I know I am well off here. I have more going for me here. I can't leave the opportunities that are ahead of me," "I can't live on my own or find a roommate; I don't have a car, I make minimum wage, who will accept, that?" "my friends moved farther from my job; I can't live with them."

I love him, too much. I gave myself to him and I will admit that has made me emotionally attached and it is more than I want it to be. He is my first. We have been together for three years, and lived together for two. I can imagine myself only pushing away and be emotionally detached from others if I did end it with him.

I do not want to complain. I do not want to say I deserve better- although, in the back of my mind I believe it. No, I do not deserve any man. A woman can have a man when she does not need one. Therefore, if I end it, I do not want to have a relationship aside from friendship, my parents and brother. I ought to focus on my future and me.

I don't know how to speak of things or describe moments that I realize I cannot do this anymore.

I want him to respect me, and not treat me as I am his brother or mother. I want him to be kind to me, encouraging, understanding, open, and not treat me as if I am no better than he is. Anything I say seems insignificant or silly. I started to believe that is true. I spoke to him of these; however, nothing has changed. I have told him I wanted to leave, and he does not seem to care.

He promised for my birthday he would call my school, speak with them, and persuade them for him to pay off my parent's debt. Well, he bought me things instead and if I had known it was between school and things at the mall, I would not have had him buy me anything.

I lost my trust in him when we were on a break in 2005. He did not listen to me when I told him not to be around that girl whom he knew wanted us to break up. He spent time with her and did not tell me about it months later. I figured I could not trust him to keep his mouth shut after he spoke with my mom about her family.
He has made promises to me, he does not keep them, and it was not until my birthday that killed our relationship, or rather, my trust and faith.


I went to church these past two Sundays with Kristene, and for embarrassing reasons, I held back tears.