Rain

Out from our door...

I wanted to capture how beautiful the sky looked once the rain stopped.

I could not capture it as I thought...


Instead, I was left alone on a garage rooftop.

I believe you are better off living your life without me, because you do it now. I seem to be nowhere in your plans, our plans that I have made with you; that's what I thought. Now it seems like I have made them myself.

I seem to be nowhere in your life. And I wish I was because I have given myself to you. You are special and I don't want to lose that.

I seem to be nowhere in your life. Are you better off without me? Because if you are I am willing to let you go if it will make you happy and stress-free.
although it hurts thinking about it... it really does. I don't want to leave you. I don't. However, now it seems like that is where it would lead to if we did not live together.

Drive Safely

I sit here listening to classical music on Yahoo! and unsatisfyingly procrastinate on homework I planned finishing tonight.

I took this picture to show Sean some of the features my co-worker has on his car. Going through photos that I have taken on the night of D's party I stopped once I came to this, and zoomed to see what it says. Somehow, it struck me. I thought how often I took chances and the result slimmed. I am afraid of realizing what a mistake I done once I look from a passenger's perspective and end up in an accident I may regret.

The party is the first house party I have gone to since my ex-boyfriend, over two years ago.


There was a moment, after many unpleasant moments with one in particular, when I saw how sad it is that one can turn into, to escape. I read how he is not trying enough. How depressed he is although he denies it. I told him, "You need help," he replied, "from who?" I thought, as I smell his breath while his face was coming close to mine- that people have tried to help him. Perhaps not enough, "you need better friends," I shamelessly said. "From who?" he slurred. I had to turn my face from his. He was coming too close. I quickly lifted my eyes and looked at Javier, and back down. I thought he could not have others save him anymore. He needs to stop and save himself from crashing, again.
Javier and Maria, thank goodness, helped me get away from him.

D, whom I love and miss, is drunk at his party. I enjoy his company and the moments we talk. Although he was drunk, I realized how much he cared and how he is like me. An idealist through hardship. (I believe I don't show much of it through my blog.) More so, than me.

He quit Big 5 a couple of months ago. I remember it was a Tuesday morning and he did truck. I was told from Matt that it was Dmitriy's last day. I could not look at Dmitriy for the next three or four hours after I saw him, and the moment I asked, "You're leaving?" Why, I thought. He starts to say goodbye and writes down other's numbers and contact information. He stood right next to me and I felt his eyes on me. I looked up and he placed his hand on my shoulder as to give me support as he always did when I am confused or whatnot. He tells me he is going to miss me, and hugged me longer than I thought he would. You're the older brother I needed, I thought. I told him I am going to miss him, too.

Now, he is jobless and he knew it was coming. He knew the moment he was offered. He needed to do it for what he is studying. He knew it was only going to be for a month or two. Therefore, I understood. He goes along the road and decides what turn to take considering his mood, or by construction or traffic.


I am the one who is running across the street to go a different way.


One does not read or stop for traffic; instead, one goes for the thrill or escape.
One chooses what is best, considering what is ahead and knowing the outcome will not always be what you expect.
One does read, stops for traffic, and walks across the street, but is unwilling to go any farther.

Satisfactory

It has been so difficult to express myself through writing. I always had a difficult time speaking. I am not implying I have a speech impediment or anything, and I'm sorry if that was offensive- I did not mean it that way.

There has been so many things I want to talk about however, it seems difficult. I have a difficult time sleeping. I don't understand why that is the only time I have something worth saying. Well, I believe it is... some way.

I wish I had something articulate to say. I have nothing.


I persuaded to pay my school that my mother missed, again. They want it from her.

Am I doing something wrong if I am looking for a new place, now? Am I not good enough with the cash I make? Should I work a second job that is down the street?

I always feel like I am not good enough.