"Stay, just a little bit longer"

A few days ago, I had a conversation with my mother, revolving around college. She said we would have financial trouble if I decide to have them stay in California with me. If I were to move to Hawaii with my aunt and uncle, to Reno with my cousin, or to Vegas with strangers, we will not have financial trouble.

She makes my situation and hers seem helpless. This is how my parents work: run away from your problems, and say, "We are starting off new." In actuality, we start all over again from the beginning of our troubles. My parent's do not have enough faith or support. It brings me down because they think the worse; however, I do understand the reality of it and their reasoning, but it will not hurt to try it for once, instead of making me feel guilty.

It does not seem like anyone can help with my situation. I have this idiosyncrasy of believing that if I have a problem--it is not for anyone else to deal with.

I thought, "I ought to leave..." however, that is something I feel against, strongly.

My aunts, my uncles, and my cousins are content and happy where they are. Why does it seem I am unable to have that? Why is it that I have to drop everything I have, want, and desire for others or for my parents? They say California will always be here. I am happy here. Why is it they want me to drop that?

For the past twenty years, I have dropped everything for them. I followed them. I dealt with their circumstances. The reason I live in California is that my mother did not want me to go through it again--with them.

What is God trying to make me do? Is he telling me to leave, again? On the other hand, is he telling me to see what I can do to make it work?

I prayed for guidance and wisdom; however, how do I know if I am heading in the right direction? I become skeptic of my own conscience and delve more than I need too. What happens if I overlook something (that is a door to something great)? I know what I want and how I feel--are they right? I do not know whether my conscience is telling me to stay, or a deep desire--overshadowing the correct way. I don't know if my heart is telling me the correct way to go. I question myself more than I need too. Should I listen and put faith into it--even if it is a risk?

I have a strong feeling to stay in California, and give what I have a chance. I imagine things falling into place if I did not run away. I have something telling me not to give up and leave. I have something telling me I should not turn away. I have something telling me I will be unhappy if I left.

To do what is easiest and guilt-free for my family has been top priority. I never did it for myself. Logically, staying here is a financial risk; however, it does not matter to me. I want to try. Should I take that as a sign? My mother contradicts that.

I believe I came to California for a reason. My life started when I came here. It seems pointless for me to leave after almost three years. There has to be a reason. I would not have come to California and just leave thinking my time here has been insignificant.

If I left, I would be ignoring my conscience and heart.