Want the truth?

Sean and I are in good terms, again.

It does not take away the wonder and possibilities. I am afraid of opening myself again--to him and others.

I will be honest; I have wondered and played things in my mind. I tell myself they are only desires and of rekindling the past, and that I should not take those silly thoughts of mine seriously. I am determined and fighting for my will to be single for at least a year or year and a half. I am determined to be independent and emotionally ready for a relationship, and we know that can take time. Although it seems like I have moved on and seem better off, I know I have not completely moved on, and I do not think I am better off. Things happen. We learn. We grow. I do not regret it. I learned to love the lesson with the pain.
I know that I am not at all ready for a relationship, even with Sean. I do believe things can work out-- that is, if it's meant to be.

As I tell myself the desires and reminiscence are only that, and that I should forget it, I remind myself that I need to tell myself the truth. Yes, I do want things to work out; yes, I miss him; yes, I see myself with him; and yes, we will grow old together. I learned that I have to tell myself the truth, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let it go.
It works, for the most part; and the practice gets better. Letting things go have been easier and rewarding.

So yes, I do love him, and I know I always will. If it works out, it will work out. In addition, as I have said in the past entries, if I were to go into a relationship, I want it to go somewhere--with, or without him.



On to a different topic, I received my diploma and transcript the other night! I was in tears and felt relieved. I cannot wait until spring!

I made copies for Dreux in Human Resources and I hope he can give me a position in the office.
Starting this Tuesday I work in the store. If I cannot get a position in the office, I am looking for a freight company close by.