Fear pt. I

All week I have been feeling this resistance called fear. In the beginning, I believed I was only scared; however, it is not love that scares me, it is the fear of losing that love, again. In addition, it is the fear of being in love.

I often put a story on what and how love ought or is. Moreover, when I am in the situation of "in love" I become so frightened of it that I end it alone.

I don't want to list what I want in love or what there has to be with that person. When there is that "something" it will be difficult to describe.

It is not only intellectual; in the beginning, I thought I will only be attracted to others intellectually. I have once said that an active mind feeds the desires I hold in my mind-- I realize it is more than that. I can be intellectually stimulated and believe I am feeling a strong emotion towards that person, however, that is not the only case. There has to be something more.

Therefore, why is it that I am afraid of personal love? I love life, my friends, et cetera, but when it comes to my personal love it becomes difficult for me to handle.

Flashes of my family's past quickly overtakes my vision.
It makes sense to why I have a problem with personal love.

I am able to connect with others very well, but when I start to feel an attachment from someone (mainly, the opposite sex) I passively push them away. I start to feel something enclosing inside of me and my actions are emotionally-detached from that person. I cannot even feel bad for doing it, or for being that way to them.

Moreover, when it came to being with Sean, I was completely opened and vulnerable; however, I did what I now realize is picayune: I developed a picture in my mind. I was frightened of that being destroyed-- and I destroyed it.

I came to accept that I do love him. In the beginning I would have cursed myself for loving him; however, I have forgiven everything. I love him, and it doesn't hurt loving him. I put up a barrier to how much I can love him. I will always love him, but I will not allow myself to cross the line.

What I believe of love will be for another entry.