I'm sitting here at the computer desk, blaring music and singing along- trying to paint over the feeling or energy at home. I've forgotten how singing to music at a time where I'd just want to just cry or get angry, really relaxes me. It made me happy in the moment when I felt some choke in my chest... I've forgotten how that felt and with what just happened. I couldn't believe how I've been avoiding music only because it brought me "pain," faithlessness," and "anger," when it just made me happy at the same time. I won't say that I became suddenly and truly happy, that's just... impossible? But like I've said before, it just covers the feeling rather than mitigating. Now, I know why I had this notion to be a recording artist when I was younger, who just plays the guitar and sang with all my heart and soul into the music. I assure you, it's probably not even that good, but it helps...
But the "cover-up" still doesn't make how I feel go away; it rather just- avoided. So, I don't know if that's good or bad. I still feel the same but I feel a little bit relieved.
Now that they're gone, I can finally think in silence. Be alone in silence. Be honest... I can see myself breaking down sooner or later. I know I'm only making it worse on myself by keeping it all in; I guess that's why I have this. Even though half-the-time I don't even know what I'm talking about, because the words just flows out-of my finger tips. I still hate the fighting around here, who wouldn't. I'm used to it, but it's getting old. It's not good. Especially to my brother.
The thing I worry about most when I leave for college is him. He's only five, and he is pretty much neglected around here; except I am the one who mainly takes care of him. So when I leave, is his father going to be like this, still? Are they going to bring brother into their mess, as they did with me? It seems like they haven't even learned how to be towards eachother when there's kids around, but what can you do? What kind of family is perfect, now-a-days? Those who make it seem like their life is just grand, I don't believe it. They may be happy but I know there's more to it. I know there's problems and that's life, and what do we do? We act like nothing is happening at home, but tell a select few about it, maybe. They're afraid that their problems only seem petty so they don't talk about it. Some don't even act like themselves, or are afraid to be themselves in the first place. Some do it to be professional at work and believe that their home life or personal problems shouldn't be brought to work. We work it off to just forget and better our situations, but we end up destroying ourselves at the end with burnout or an all night crying session; we basically get stressed and fed up with even the smallest things and not enjoy things like we used too...
Anyway, I got off track- my brother... ugh I don't want to leave him. I don't want him to be in an environment like this; it could do stuff to him, especially since he's witnessed these things sooner than I have when I was a kid. I'm afraid for him.
When the huge blow up was going on, he ran upstairs. He was scared and he hid. It nearly led me to tears, but I was singing trying to keep them from coming. I wanted to go to him and put him on my lap and let him go on his little websites and play games but my mom just stomped upstairs and just started flipping out on him about how tired she is of this and so-on. Gah- it gave me a headache just hearing her yelling from the corner of my ear while singing along to music. But seriously, that in itself is just confusing and terrifying to a little kid who doesn't even have friends to be there for him. Who will be there for him when I'm gone? Who will take care of him? He is the only one I am not dropping from this family and their stupid- annoying "clans." I only wish that things will just be better for him. That's their kid, they have to learn how to take care of him and eachother. But again, who really does the second, or even first or both at all?? He really needs a better life, and I really thought he would get one since with all the mistakes they had with me would have been something they prevented. I don't- I really don't want him to go through what I went through. Not even for a bit.
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