I'm writing this because I'm upset:

I want a break up. I want someone who is kind, intelligent, observant, and a best friend.
When I think he cannot trust me, I am insecure. (He is intelligent and observant. He is kind. I realize that, now.)

Over the last year I wrote the reasons why I cannot or do not want a break up.

I just feel so alone with him. I want to be with him. I have become vulnerable and I dislike it; it reminds me of my mother.
I wish things were better. I pray for us to work out. I want them to. I want him to try.

He just seems uninterested. I wish he were not. If I say, I'm unhappy or whatnot he believes it is a phase and I will or ought to get over it if I went away. However, going away will not help things. It will not solve anything.

When I was at church the other day, I saw couples holding each other, glancing at one another, squeezing their significant other's hand.
I want that. I have wanted that.

It has been over a year and it seems hopeless, now. I am praying there is hope. I pray for us more throughout the day when I am not with him, when I'm mad, upset, or happy. I pray for us before I go to bed and sadly and pathetically repeat it.

All my things in the storage are gone.
My parents continue moving.
My parents refuse to pay my school.
They are (I am) in Collection, again.
My work wants to give me a promotion once I have my high school diploma.
I love the beach.
I feel independent here.
I have freedom here.
Nonetheless, I am happy here.

Moreover, there is only one reason I want to leave California; it is the same reason I want to stay...

I have thoughts I feel guilty of. These thoughts fill a void I wish were faithful. I am faithful; however, my thoughts clearly are not. I want to imagine someone here to listen, support, and encourage me to keep fighting. I thought I had a best friend, but this friend seems more like a roommate; not even a friend, not even like a coworker.

I am closer to people at work than I am at home.
What is wrong with me? What is my problem?

I am not married. Why do I feel like it? Why do I fight for us as if we were married? Why do I keep doing this? Why can I not just go? Why do I not have the strength to go? Why am I like my mother?

This is the weakness I loath. I never wanted to be vulnerable. I found out I am. I do not want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the weakness I want at bay.

So, why am I here? Why do I live here?

As I say or think that, in the back of my mind all the reasons come up. So, why do I say it? I don't want to input the reasons. I have done it a plethora of times.

I want this clutch off.

I am praying. I love. I forgive. I stay.

Yesterday at church, the pastor said to remember these twelve words: 1. I was wrong, 2. I am sorry, 3. Please forgive me, and 4. I love you.

The storage in Vegas sold our provisions, again. It is the third and last storage, and it had my most valuable possessions. All my notebooks, books, my poetry from my younger years, my art, my sketches, photographs, and guitar are now gone. I thought losing my things in the storage, in California, when I was twelve was upsetting.

The one thing that upsets me most is the lies. I cannot comprehend the anger and hurt I felt on the phone; I ought to be used to this. I cannot believe that after all the years of going through things more than once results in nothing learned.

I dislike that they would not allow me to know or do anything to help. I know better than to hand our things to someone else.

This is perhaps the reason why I have trust issues.

the moonlight shines and the sun becomes a glittering daylight

I know I have said that things with Sean and me have been better.
It was only a great, and short time, until I kept thinking about leaving.

I have thought of leaving plenty of times last year, and my excuses were: "my parents does not have a place of their own," "I don't have a familiar room to go to," "they can't stay in one place," "I will have nothing with them," "they are always moving and have financial problems," "I know I am well off here. I have more going for me here. I can't leave the opportunities that are ahead of me," "I can't live on my own or find a roommate; I don't have a car, I make minimum wage, who will accept, that?" "my friends moved farther from my job; I can't live with them."

I love him, too much. I gave myself to him and I will admit that has made me emotionally attached and it is more than I want it to be. He is my first. We have been together for three years, and lived together for two. I can imagine myself only pushing away and be emotionally detached from others if I did end it with him.

I do not want to complain. I do not want to say I deserve better- although, in the back of my mind I believe it. No, I do not deserve any man. A woman can have a man when she does not need one. Therefore, if I end it, I do not want to have a relationship aside from friendship, my parents and brother. I ought to focus on my future and me.

I don't know how to speak of things or describe moments that I realize I cannot do this anymore.

I want him to respect me, and not treat me as I am his brother or mother. I want him to be kind to me, encouraging, understanding, open, and not treat me as if I am no better than he is. Anything I say seems insignificant or silly. I started to believe that is true. I spoke to him of these; however, nothing has changed. I have told him I wanted to leave, and he does not seem to care.

He promised for my birthday he would call my school, speak with them, and persuade them for him to pay off my parent's debt. Well, he bought me things instead and if I had known it was between school and things at the mall, I would not have had him buy me anything.

I lost my trust in him when we were on a break in 2005. He did not listen to me when I told him not to be around that girl whom he knew wanted us to break up. He spent time with her and did not tell me about it months later. I figured I could not trust him to keep his mouth shut after he spoke with my mom about her family.
He has made promises to me, he does not keep them, and it was not until my birthday that killed our relationship, or rather, my trust and faith.


I went to church these past two Sundays with Kristene, and for embarrassing reasons, I held back tears.

Miracles.

In the beginning of the year, Sean asked me if it was all right if he buys a Nile Monitor. I thought and researched them and decided it is not a good idea. Considering their size once they are adults and the time and patience one has to give we need to have a larger environment. However, a few days later he came home with one.

A month and a half later, I realized this little person made things much better and is one of, or the best thing, that has happened to us for the last two years Sean and I lived together.

I am fascinated and intrigued by these lizards. I love him so much.
His name is Zero and he is an Ornate Nile Monitor because of his five ocellis (rows between his shoulders and hip), his pink tongue, squared skull, and the slight coloration on his neck. In captivity, they can grow up to four or five feet; in the wild they can be six or seven feet. They are recognized for their muscular built when they are adults.

Original Nile Monitors can be slightly longer than the Ornate. They will have six or seven rows of ocellis, a narrow skull, and will not be as heavy as an ornate.

Despite the misconception of nile monitors being aggressive the correct term for them is defensive. They are nervous, shy, intelligent, curious, and will stand their ground, when cornered or feel threatened. It can take weeks or months for them to trust or tolerate you.

Sean is amazing and patient with him. Sean is able to hold him with his bare hands when Zero is calm. There has been a few times when he runs loose and frightens Sean because he is afraid of him getting hurt. If anything, do not scare them by running after them or being frantic. They will only hurt themselves.

The publics' feelings towards reptiles are unfortunately uneasy. I admit I was uneasy at first; however, Zero has changed that for me. I recently held him and I was pathetically emotional over it.

Sean took the above picture with his phone. Nile monitors love the water. He is a little over a foot long. He is the one thing I look forward to when I come home.


Aside from all this, I have been working, eating healthy, exercising, and finally reading.

On that note, I recently finished The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck. It is a great book and I suggest anyone to read it. I will say it had me realize a plethora of things, and gladly work things out with Sean, and myself and those around me.

The unfortunate thing is that I have been unmotivated to finish my schoolwork. I am not going to give any excuses; it is entirely my fault for avoiding it. I thought it was not worth it and I felt extremely lonesome and ashamed for many things...

Although, there have been small things that have given a little kick: Reading, thinking, my solitude, etc...

The one that had me realize how fortunate I am is working in the corporate office for two and a half weeks, filling in.I realized I can do things better than I thought. It helped that my supervisor and his supervisor and others begged me to finish school because they noticed all the help I have done for Big 5 for almost two years.
Now I am going back to the store.

If I had not made this clear, Sean and I have been working things out. It does take effort, discipline, and thought for love. Therefore, I am starting to look at things much better and clearer.

I think that since Sean came home on that rainy day, with a lizard in a brown bag and its aquarium and essentials, things have been looking up for him and me. Cheesy as I may sound, it is a miracle.

Natural Science

I love science. Since I was a little girl I was intrigued by how things work, how they are, what they can do, and what I can do. I loved it.

I took this test on projectcareer.com and I remembered telling my mom everything I learned from school- in science. I tell her about the tectonic plates, atoms, physics- anything I learned in science that day.

I realize how much I miss it. How much I love learning about it. Physical science, biology, and chemistry were my favorite subjects in school. There is so much I want to learn. It fascinates and soothes me.

Then I remembered the California Science Center. I would love to go there, again.


I enjoy my first result. I wonder how accurate it is?


"Biotechnology is among the most active fields of research and attracts about a quarter of all funding from companies in the industry, according to National Science Board data. Work in this field seeks to understand and use the fundamental processes of cellular life to develop more effective medicines, consumer products, and industrial processes. Advances in biotechnology have led to new drugs and vaccines, disease-resistant crops, more efficient enzymatic manufacturing processes, and novel methods of dealing with hazardous materials."

"Nanotechnology is perhaps even more of an emerging field than biotechnology, and they often overlap in their work on the molecular level, such as with DNA tagging. Nanotechnology is the study of new structures roughly on the same scale as individual atoms, or one millionth of a millimeter. At this size, materials behave differently and can be made into new structures such as quantum dots, which are small devices that behave like artificial atoms and can be used to tag sequences of DNA, make nanoscopic switches for electronics, or produce extremely small lasers for communications equipment."



"Life, physical, and social scientists form the core of the research operations in the industry. Biological scientists conduct research to understand biological systems, develop new drugs, and work with genetic material. Most work for pharmaceutical or biotechnology companies; others perform their research in Federal or academic laboratories. Medical scientists research the causes of health problems and diseases, and then use this information to develop medical treatments and preventive measures. Their work is similar to that of biological scientists, but with a specific emphasis on disease prevention and treatment. Chemists and materials scientists research the nature of chemical systems and reactions, investigate the properties of materials, and develop new products or processes utilizing this knowledge. They perform research used by a broad array of industries to develop new products. Along with physicists , chemists and materials scientists conduct basic and applied research on nanotechnology."


" Sample Job Titles
* Chemist
* Medical Scientist
* Microbiologist
* Nanotechnologist
* Aerospace Research Scientist"



I wonder what it will be like if I were a forensic anthropologist. It is interesting to me. However, will I be able to handle some of the gruesomeness?

I realize love is more than a feeling; it takes effort and discipline.
It takes more effort being the only one growing for two.

I walked to work yesterday morning and for some reason I thought about how my life can be different if I did not live with Sean. Possibly, I may do better in college. I think I am better off without a relationship because I can focus on me. However, money comes in and I am not in the best of or decent wealth.


There does not seem to be a difference being full time at work. I love doing truck in the morning.
I hear Kristene will be our official full time clothing and cashier once she comes back from Missouri. ^ ^

I made peanut butter cookies at Kristene's place a day before she left. The first batch were perfect. The second and third were overcooked or undercooked.
Maria and I made California rolls. I enjoy being around her. We brought them to work (and the cookies), and the sushi ran out, quickly! Bryan thought Kristene made the cookies when he brought some home to his family. :(


Sean and I spent Christmas with his mom. We had Sizzlers and watched I Am Legend.

When he was young, he and his mom went to Sizzlers on Christmas day, after his grandmother died. I want to keep the tradition for him.


I did not buy him a gift. Today is his birthday. I don’t know where he is. I can’t call him because my phone is off. I hope he does not put it in my face that I didn‘t buy him anything; he tends to do that, although he says he understands.

He bought me an iPod. I am happy he did. I love it. I wish I were able to buy him something, at least.

We're doing okay.


My family did not come down. They said it will be best because they can save money and pay for my school...

The usual.

At work, they told me, did not ask me, from then until December 31st, I will temporarily be full time. I have a two-dollar raise and I am told not to tell anyone how much I make or that I am full time.

For potluck, I am making sushi. Perhaps, chocolate covered strawberries too. Maria and Rosie will do it with me, since they begged for it.

I have not started Christmas shopping, nor will I this year.
My mother called me a few days ago and told me that my school counselor has talked to her (I would not say 'with', because I know she did not say much that will help.) and told her that I "will have to start over again, as a freshman in high school," if she (my mom) does not pay, again.

I am determined to pay off as much as I can, of what she owes. My upcoming check is on December 21st, and I hope I am not too late. I have to send it as money order, and find a way for them not to find out I paid...


Sean said he is having a surprise for me this Christmas. I am not expecting much. I do not want him to buy me anything, really.

He did preorder BoA's upcoming album (limited edition!) for me, though. So, that's fine. :)

However, it seems I am unable to buy him anything this year, or for his birthday...




This Christmas seems a bit glum for me. It does not feel like Christmas, anymore.

There is colour and beauty in darkness.

Leaves, bugs, bear, old man, and voicemails.

The leaves are making the path difficult.

I see an evil bug, an old man with a curl on his head, and a sad bear with big eyes and a beard.






Simple, cute or silly, voicemails make me happy.

Exit

This best describes the situation, feeling, and thoughts lurking in my mind.


At times, words do not carry meaning. Truth is vague and lies are lost in reserved spots. Sometimes, belief is difficult to attain in a closed mind.
There are directions and windows that cannot be avoided in a lot that one has chosen, or had no choice but to go. There are lots that are empty; ones that people unknowingly avoid.


I am fully aware of what I say; I am, however, unsure if I said it correctly.
I have been thinking of moving out. If I had a choice, but not leave California-, I will. I have told Sean plenty of times; however, he did not believe me until tonight.

"I don't want to get married, now. I'm just tired of it. I am tired of fighting," "I thought about really moving back with my parents. There's nothing there for me, there's nothing here, too," "I do want to stay with you- it's just hard."

I do not want to get married. Not now, or soon. We are fighting too much. We have to work things out before getting married.

Once things seem right, I do. I have given up waiting to get married. I realize it is for the best. We cannot be like this, anymore. We cannot be like this, at all. Please.