I have thoughts I feel guilty of. These thoughts fill a void I wish were faithful. I am faithful; however, my thoughts clearly are not. I want to imagine someone here to listen, support, and encourage me to keep fighting. I thought I had a best friend, but this friend seems more like a roommate; not even a friend, not even like a coworker.

I am closer to people at work than I am at home.
What is wrong with me? What is my problem?

I am not married. Why do I feel like it? Why do I fight for us as if we were married? Why do I keep doing this? Why can I not just go? Why do I not have the strength to go? Why am I like my mother?

This is the weakness I loath. I never wanted to be vulnerable. I found out I am. I do not want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the weakness I want at bay.

So, why am I here? Why do I live here?

As I say or think that, in the back of my mind all the reasons come up. So, why do I say it? I don't want to input the reasons. I have done it a plethora of times.

I want this clutch off.

I am praying. I love. I forgive. I stay.

Yesterday at church, the pastor said to remember these twelve words: 1. I was wrong, 2. I am sorry, 3. Please forgive me, and 4. I love you.