I have to remember my value.

It is the people I least expect that remind me what is important: My value, my body, and my mind. In addition- and I am not much of a family person- it reminds me of the family I have.

Recently, I acknowledged that I do miss Sean. The one thing that I will always love of him is his passion towards animals. No one gets my way of animals than he does. He is amazing towards them. The quality of his is what I fell for in the beginning, among others. He is a great person. Very intellectual and nurturing.

There is one thing that gets to me-- sex. Sex is important and it is something I do not take lightly. I believe that if I decide to put it off, it ought to be respected. "People have turned sex, the act where you're most vulnerable, into a recreational activity." - my friend, Courtney. Sometimes, I forget what my values are.

I receive support in other areas from my family, however, sex or my value was not discussed as often as it ought to be. We spoke about protection, if I were pregnant, etc. I am not saying I grew up sheltered in that way, we had other things to worry and talk about. During those difficult circumstances with my family, they were top priority. I was raised in a Catholic family. I have been raised to be an open, understanding, and obedient. We spoke of life, where we are going next, where we are living, what we are going to eat, what I believed on my brother's upbringing, etc. I made it clear that I do not want my brother to be raised in circumstances we had: unstable and emotionally closed. Those were important. I thought of others before me, and I learned that from my mother. Unfortunately, the conversations were not about my value as a human, as a woman, etc. Therefore, keeping the values I have created on my own or by observation, can be difficult to keep.

Now, it is easy for me to keep my values with others, however, with Sean, it is different. We were together for three and a half years and lived together for two. Moreover, my vulnerability is easily cracked. Emotionally, I do love him-- I always will, and I care and miss him. He is a great person and he does want a friendship, and maybe more.

I have been in conflict with myself because I remind myself why we broke, what happened, what I feel, etc. In addition, there is someone new. I do not want a relationship and I made it clear to both of them. Sean and I have a history, and who knows where it can go from here. He is more than a piece that brought me to California with no family or friends. As for the other one, he is someone new--something new; however, not serious or am I making it a priority.

I just have to remember what I want, what I feel, and think. I have to remember my value. I will leave the rest to the Higher Power or Mother Nature.

Courtney's mother: "Those guys don't know what they're missing out on, because you're beautiful, and you're absolutely amazing. I'm not saying that only because I'm your mother, I'm saying that because you deserve someone who's going to be willing to give you everything, as you're willing to give others everything."