Friday, January 06, 2006

Something new; with a speck of hope.

We are once again moving. I've had a feeling since I set foot in this house that it wasn't going to be a permanent thing, and last for six months, the most. I really don't care that we're moving to a new one, the new house is beyond nice for me; kind of intimidating though, because I feel so lilliputian compared to it.

Sean will be moving in with us! There's this 27 year old male that's going to be living there (his father is the one leasing it to us) until April, and my step dad doesn't want me or EJ alone with him since our parents are gone most-of-the-time. So, my step dad asked Sean if it will be alright if he can live with us, so that he can keep a look out for us, especially me.

I normally don't like being treated like something fragile, even though I am and very petite, but I honestly don't mind the protection from Sean. ;) I'm very happy that he is going to be staying with us. I've been more relaxed since he's been here.

I used to think that I did not need anyone to make me happy, but it so happens, that I am happier when I am with him. For that, I think I am weak and frail, and not as strong as I thought I was. I find it sad that I don't appear as strong as I wanted, or as strong as I used to be.

But I'm happy none-the-less, that he's going to be living here. I seem to laugh more when he is around.

This year, I guess I'm going to try again, to have more thicker skin; for myself. I block people enough from me, but I should begin releasing all this negative aura I have around me, so then maybe, I will be strong-willed, like I used too.

I am very self-inflicted. There's still that part of me that just loathes the very essence of atoms that evolved into this skin I'm trapped in. There's still that part of me that won't forgive myself for how I've been. There's still that part of me where anger will never leave and that part of me where my heart aches for something more and where the tears will always be floating. There's still that part of me that is a complete wreck, there's still that inane- very speck of hope left in me.

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