Loss. Hopelessness. God.

I am going to Miami, tonight.
I have to get away.



For a couple of days, I thought I was over it. I thought I accepted it; however, I know better. Deep inside I know I have not accepted it...

That he wants to be with someone else.

I did not know what heartbreak was until a month ago. I thought it was picayune. I thought I was better than this.

I realized in my anger to God and whatever His plan is for me is that I lose things, only to lose more.
I pray. I pray for inner peace. I need that more than anything right now.



I have one choice: let him go. I know he wants to be with someone else.

I believe I have done things wrong in the eyes of God, and in my pathetic victimization, I am punished.

I want to love again; however, I do not see that happening. I am scared. I don't know if I can allow myself to be in love.
They say that there are three loves in your life, and each one feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces. I know I am not emotionally ready for a relationship. Sean moved on, and the realization of that has me losing control. I felt my heart beating faster, I heard it beating, I was shaking all over, and I felt out of control. Everything reminds me of him. I know he does not love me. I know he can get whomever he wants. I thought for a while he was better than I was. I am a young love to him; a young love that he can move on from. I am nothing more. I am not the woman he wants or more. I am not the one that can smile and make his day.

I cannot see myself with anyone. I just want my life to be better than this. Everyone wants his or her life better than it is.

In my anger and questioning God, a plethora of memories flooded my eyes.
Abuse. Drugs. Alcohol. Violence.
When my mother told me that I would not be living with her anymore-- I will be going to an orphanage (this was around my tenth birthday). When I saw my biological father (whom recently contacted me-- It was awkward, but will be for another entry) come after my mom with a knife, when he had a gun pointing at someone (no more than the age of four). My stepfather's abuse with drugs and the affects it had on the family. I saw him slice his arm. Never staying in one place for more than five months. Sleeping in cars, going from motel to motel. Eating little. Saying little. Being evicted. Dropping out of high school, in the middle of sophomore year. Losing all our provisions in the storage- more than once. Watching my brother hiding from the violence.
Hence, by the time I turned 18, my mother called me while I was in California, visiting, telling me to find a job because I won't be living with them, anymore.

That is when my life changed. I thought I would not have to deal with my parent's drama.
Therefore, I thought I was free. I thought I was able to handle things, especially heartbreak.

However, of all the things I have been through with my parents, experiencing heartbreak is the worse of all. I thought I was better. I thought I would not hurt so much. Now, I feel for those who have been through it, and I am sorry for not understanding enough how it feels and what it does to you. I realize that love is more than we think it is.

"I lose things, only to lose more; what do you want from me, God? What have I done wrong? Why does a person have to go through so much and fall to an abyss? What is it that you have planned for me? --Because with all the things I have been through-- I have only loss." Those exact words came out of my mouth and replays in my head over, and over again.

I had plans for myself. Throughout my 20 years, I have listened to people, and kept my mouth shut. I never listened to myself and did what I want. Now, I have one thing that I can control, and that is what I do or how I graduate and go to school. I want to do it my way for once-- to make up for all the things that did not go as I planned. When I was young, I had an abundance of faith, and believed that all of it happened for a reason. Presently, it does not ring true. All of my life, I believed it would turn out better. "But, for how much longer, God?" I asked, hopeless and lonely. How much, longer? I do not want to be submissive, anymore. Waiting. I am tired of it.

In church, they say that we should not interfere with God's plan. I am tired of waiting- but wait-- since He has a "plan" for everyone does that mean everything we do or say is part of His plan? This is when I start to think I have done a plethora of wrong in His eyes. If I had done so many disdainful things in His eyes, is this my consequence? To go through heartache? Therefore, did I interfere with His plans? "What did I do wrong?"

I am independent and I have goals. I know what I want. I don't need a relationship. I would not mind being in someone's arms, but I don't need it.

What I need most is inner peace.