Here I am, four in the morning. What am I doing up so late/early?

I'll cut down to it; we broke up, again. It frustrated me, angered me, and I believe I am extremely miserable. Life felt mundane and worthless. I realize I did not understand the heartbreak of love. In candor, I thought it was picayune; annoying. Loved songs made me uncomfortable. Anyone that is around me that is "touchy-feely" made me feel uncomfortable. Or perhaps, I was afraid of the idea of being in love, did not understand it, and leading to the unreasonable discomfort of heartbreak.

I was never mean to anyone who went through it. I sympathized because I knew they were hurting, but I did not understand just how much it hurts. I didn't understand until Sean broke up with me.

I came to this after speaking to my biological father for the first time in 12 years, but technically 16 years. The reason? It stemmed from my realizing that I did not have a father figure or a connection as a "daddy's girl" with anyone. My step father was an alcoholic, drug addict, and violent, my biological father suicidal (however, loving towards me), and Sean-- well, he's different.

Henceforth, they are the closest men in my life.

Sean had a way of letting me feel that. The nurture, the love, and the protection; however, after the first year of living together, our love-- my love changed. I declined his hugs when I was upset with him or wanted to be alone. His time for me seemed to have dimmed. The way he felt about me felt different before then they did when we lived together. Let me say-- we loved eachother; and when we showed we loved eachother, it was great.

My relationship with him will be something I will remember. I want things to work out, still. I want to be with. I want to spend my life with him. However, I do not know where his heart is. Perhaps we got together too quickly?

I realize now just how much I love and want to be with him.

Things have been so stressful, my hair is literally falling out in chunks. I believe his break up with me is partly my fault.

Since the breakup, a plethora of things were getting to me. I felt pressured and insecure. I seemed to be taking too long to achieve my high school diploma, or I was stupid or stubborn to take the GED or the one-day course. This pressure came from everyone from my closest friend to my boss' boss. I was feeling overwhelmed. I applied for jobs and schools, and I either was declined or offered nothing.

I have not been sleeping well, and I wasn't sleeping well enough after the break up because I would get three hours of sleep, wake up at 3:30am, work out, sometimes skip breakfast- and it got to the point when I pulled all-nighters to work. All the stress and lack of rest sent my body into a disabled state causing me to go home from work and miss work a couple of days. I have not worked out since then or ate as healthy (I still eat healthy, just not as much).

I get five hours of sleep now. I've been driving in the streets. I'm on my last set of books for my high school diploma, and I'm still in corporate.

I'm going to Miami for two weeks. Originally, I wanted to go to a place where I did not know anyone or they knew me. I wanted to be alone and far away. I wanted to go near a beach and just lay there and read.

A few days later at work I was going through the mail, and something popped up: MIAMI. My friend, whom I have not seen in almost five years, lives there. I immediately called her when I had the chance and left a message. She called back, ecstatic. I booked my flight the next day (after speaking to my boss).

I will be leaving on the 20th. of this month, and will return October 5th.

This is for Sean. This is to get away.

I had (have) the suspicion that he wants to be with someone else.

By the time I'm back, I don't want to be confused. I don't want my heart and head to be messed with. I want to accept it if it's true. I want my strength back.

Until then.