Back in LA...

Surrounded by so many, and feeling lonely, already.

Finally

So glad you came. Now, I'll learn to just be. Thanks.

Come on, 2011.

I just want to cry. Why does it seem so hard to cry?? I know if I did cry, it would take a load off.

I am ready for 2010 to end. I've learned so much, I've seen how I really am, and other things... I just want this year to be over with.

This has been the most difficult year I had to deal with for the past 4 years. I am seriously fed up with a bunch of things. I just want to move forward and just have a clean slate. I just want to be on my own. I want to be satisfied being single. It annoys me. I don't want to deal with those emotions that deal with relationships. Seriously. I'm just fed up with them.

I've only been in love once, and that took a while to happen. I honestly think I cannot "fall" or be "in love" again. I don't know how people do it--fall in love and actually be together and be married. Seriously-props to you!! I admire that, and I can only dream of it. But, it's only a dream, and I don't want to be chasing it.

Why is that? Yes-it scares me because I honestly think it cannot happen. But this is me talking while i am sobering up.

"Glory"

Glory:

Magnificence, splendor, beauty, and wonder. The beauty that inspires feelings of wonder and joy.

I'm lingering.

"Wise women hold on to the promises of God and let go of the things that poison or frustrate life" ("Fight Like a Girl," Lisa Bevere)

Perhaps letting go of the mission group I'm a part of will be better. I already have a bible class in the morning, and the homework is time-consuming and heavy, but absolutely worth it. I am working more hours and I have classes in the week.

I've had a lot on my plate for the past year and a half. All the work and less rest is getting to me. I've become sad, lonelier, and introverted. Most days, I don't feel like doing anything, and I've been tired more so for almost 10 months.

A couple of people asked if I'm depressed, or if I have mild depression. I don't believe so. The only thing that keeps me motivated to get up in the morning (although it's a slow process) is my security in God. I'm happier in church. My joy still lingers, but it's only lingering. At least it's genuine. At least I have my guitar and music. I'm ok.

Double major

Almost done with my AS degree before entering the nursing program.

Many English professors ask me the same thing, "Are you an English major?"

Apparently, I should be.

Honestly, I would not mind, because I love literature, I love writing, I love reading and editing.

Maybe some day.

Standards

My standards are high. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever be in love.

I try to only put a fence up, and not a wall. I want to keep the value of the property high, and not low. I want to have the property open for others to see, but I don't want it tarnished.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will be alone.

Solitude

More and more lately, I've been excluding myself. I procrastinate, fall asleep on my books, and I'm more quiet than usual. Some things I just can't understand. Some things I want to be cleared from. And some things seem so insignificant. I am a sponge but I don't know what to do with it. I'm so limited, but I have so much.

Some things I can't understand. But it's ok.

Check-in

I need to do this, again. :(

Catch Up!

Wow, I fell out of the habit of updating this!

Well, so far I am almost finished with my first year of college. I am currently taking a summer class, and if I continue doing as well as I have been then I can earn my associates degree of science as early as next fall. I will be a nurse in no time!

I am still working for Big 5, but I am currently looking for other opportunities.

My walk with the Lord has been a blessing. He brings the right people into my life when I fall or make mistakes, and during the times of great joy or great regret. My "love life" is currently set on singleness--and it takes time to get use to it, especially since I have been someone's "girlfriend" since I was fifteen. My desires have changed or became apparent recently--I want to feed the hungry, stand beside the broken and dying, and have a family and adopt. I still want to be a nurse, but if God blesses me with these things, I will be overjoyed. If not, well, I know He has great plans for me.

I should update this more. Sorry it's short and bland. :/