I have to tell myself that Sean does not have time to miss me. There can be another person on his mind. That he does not feel the same for me anymore.

I tell myself that I have to deny my love for him. I tell myself to forget or let it go. Move on.

It is simple to fall in love; however, it takes effort to be in love. Love becomes a choice when one has been involved in a relationship with the person.

I can choose to love Sean. In actuality, I do chose to love him; however, the rational part of me tells me to let go of my love for him. Just let go.

This has been uncomfortable and emotional. I have been depressed since it happened. I have been angry, and I am being hard on myself. I know I was not the only one who led to this. I know that. I am wrapping myself in guilt and it is unpleasant. I am what I make it. Therefore, I am trying all that I can to move forward from this.

I know that I can love again, if I allow my heart and mind too. I just don't know at this time. I don't know. I am unsure if I have the capability to allow love in an intimate way again.

Perhaps, I need to choose not to love him the way I do.

Here I am, four in the morning. What am I doing up so late/early?

I'll cut down to it; we broke up, again. It frustrated me, angered me, and I believe I am extremely miserable. Life felt mundane and worthless. I realize I did not understand the heartbreak of love. In candor, I thought it was picayune; annoying. Loved songs made me uncomfortable. Anyone that is around me that is "touchy-feely" made me feel uncomfortable. Or perhaps, I was afraid of the idea of being in love, did not understand it, and leading to the unreasonable discomfort of heartbreak.

I was never mean to anyone who went through it. I sympathized because I knew they were hurting, but I did not understand just how much it hurts. I didn't understand until Sean broke up with me.

I came to this after speaking to my biological father for the first time in 12 years, but technically 16 years. The reason? It stemmed from my realizing that I did not have a father figure or a connection as a "daddy's girl" with anyone. My step father was an alcoholic, drug addict, and violent, my biological father suicidal (however, loving towards me), and Sean-- well, he's different.

Henceforth, they are the closest men in my life.

Sean had a way of letting me feel that. The nurture, the love, and the protection; however, after the first year of living together, our love-- my love changed. I declined his hugs when I was upset with him or wanted to be alone. His time for me seemed to have dimmed. The way he felt about me felt different before then they did when we lived together. Let me say-- we loved eachother; and when we showed we loved eachother, it was great.

My relationship with him will be something I will remember. I want things to work out, still. I want to be with. I want to spend my life with him. However, I do not know where his heart is. Perhaps we got together too quickly?

I realize now just how much I love and want to be with him.

Things have been so stressful, my hair is literally falling out in chunks. I believe his break up with me is partly my fault.

Since the breakup, a plethora of things were getting to me. I felt pressured and insecure. I seemed to be taking too long to achieve my high school diploma, or I was stupid or stubborn to take the GED or the one-day course. This pressure came from everyone from my closest friend to my boss' boss. I was feeling overwhelmed. I applied for jobs and schools, and I either was declined or offered nothing.

I have not been sleeping well, and I wasn't sleeping well enough after the break up because I would get three hours of sleep, wake up at 3:30am, work out, sometimes skip breakfast- and it got to the point when I pulled all-nighters to work. All the stress and lack of rest sent my body into a disabled state causing me to go home from work and miss work a couple of days. I have not worked out since then or ate as healthy (I still eat healthy, just not as much).

I get five hours of sleep now. I've been driving in the streets. I'm on my last set of books for my high school diploma, and I'm still in corporate.

I'm going to Miami for two weeks. Originally, I wanted to go to a place where I did not know anyone or they knew me. I wanted to be alone and far away. I wanted to go near a beach and just lay there and read.

A few days later at work I was going through the mail, and something popped up: MIAMI. My friend, whom I have not seen in almost five years, lives there. I immediately called her when I had the chance and left a message. She called back, ecstatic. I booked my flight the next day (after speaking to my boss).

I will be leaving on the 20th. of this month, and will return October 5th.

This is for Sean. This is to get away.

I had (have) the suspicion that he wants to be with someone else.

By the time I'm back, I don't want to be confused. I don't want my heart and head to be messed with. I want to accept it if it's true. I want my strength back.

Until then.

In All

I did break up with Sean, and it was difficult. I broke up with him on April 22, and my friend and her husband moved me in to their new place in Culver City the next day.
I was angry and forlorn.

A month has passed; I was working in the store and I remembered Kristene and Mike were out of town. I needed a ride home. The only person left to call was Mark (at this time, I have not spoken directly to or with him over a year ago; we only text and messaged each other, and I realized as others were upset, that he was talking to me and not them, I didn't speak to him for months).

The reason I decided to text him that night is that he lived in Culver City. He missed my call, but by luck, one of my coworkers, Matt, called me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with them. I said yes.

As they were driving me home, Matt said the area I lived in looked familiar, and he thinks Mark lives here. He dropped me off, and I text Mark, "Where in Culver City do you live?" He replied, and to my surprise, he did live here. We lived in the same complex.

In all, we started talking and hanging out. We did not judge each other, and that felt safe.

I always admired him for his mind. He admired mine.

I became independent and happy. I started to pay off my homeschool, I was working in the store and corporate office- so much was going for me. Mark had a lot to do with it.
He helped me develop into a woman I want to be. My faith in life, love, and God grew again.
Although we became close, my heart remained with someone. I already knew Sean had it. I wanted to be fair to Mark, and I made it clear we are going to be nothing more, because it will be unfair to him.

I borrowed his guitar a few days after we started talking. I had lessons from him, and we went out, a lot. He is teaching me how to drive (I passed the written test). We go to museums, art galleries, and last month we saw an orchestra.

By that time, Sean and I were together, again.

I thought Mark would not speak to me or thought he will be cold towards me...
Our friendship stayed the same.

Sean and I got back together in the end of July. I told him since we broke up that I am willing to give it a chance, just at the right time. He wanted to a month later after the break up.

Sean was depressed. He said, "You don't start to appreciate something until it's lost."
He started regretting many things, and so have I. We could have handled it better; however, I believe the break up was for the best. He is careful now and understanding. I am patient now and kind.

I prayed for him every night. I still do. I pray that he will be humbled. I pray for us as individuals, also as a couple.

He wants me to move in with him; I told him no. We will not until we have a car and a new place. He wants to get married, and I told him we should get married when it is right with us, and steady. We can be engaged, but I warned him we should not be if it is his quick way to have me stay with him. I told him it has to be right, and slowing down is not a bad idea.

I can say I am doing much better. I'm happy, I'm socializing, I'm going back to my roots: music and writing; at least, I'm attempting to. I don't want to force myself and write or do anything without meaning and significance. I want it real.

I'm exercising regularly and eating well. My days off are filled with priorities and things to do and learn. 

I do not want a relationship at the moment; not with anyone. Only friends, no benefits, and independence. Once I feel and know I am ready to be in one, I will.

However, I love Sean, and I believe I always will. No one will replace his spot; not in the way he did. I pray for him every night because I sincerely wish things will work out for him. I pray that he will be humbled. I pray for us. I don't know if we will be together soon, but I hope we will. I hope he will open more to me. I am taking it one day at a time. I am being patient and understanding. I hope he knows that I still love and want to be with him. I am just growing more and recognizing my strengths and weaknesses. 

Our time apart is what I need. It is what he needs.

Aside from that, things are great!

If it wasn't for my friends, I would be lost right now.

I realized how important they are to me, and I realized just how much I love and miss my family.

Patience

It has been a month since I moved from Sean's. It has been difficult and I felt used; until recently I started to accept we are not together, and through it I am more independent than I thought. For a while I built a barrier and isolated myself as often as possible. Friends said I was not myself and I thought, "how would they know?" They don't know. They are familiar to one side and could not believe the other. 

I felt dirty because I allowed myself to be tempted into his touch. His kiss. It did not happen once. It happened three times. 

I want it to work out; however, I don't want to work it out through that. I don't want to be attached to strings.

There are a few things that helps me take my mind off him or my emotional wonder. For one, doing new (exciting) things. Second, creating independence; and third a friend whom talks to me in a non-pitiful way. It seems like I am betraying Sean although I know I am not because we are not together. He says he wants to be with me but does not want the label. 

In other news, I have my permit! I passed the test almost a month ago and I practiced three times since then. Kristene and Mike have been busy with their new puppy and for a while things seemed a little awkward or tense with the three of us. That passed! 

Last week my home school allowed me to take over the payments. I paid $500 and $1000 is the due. It has been difficult for them to contact my parents and it is either they go in to collection again or I pay for it. I am happy I handle it. I'm close to getting my high school diploma! 

It was around then when my dependency on Sean started to fade. I realized I am capable of things I thought I could not handle. I achieved more in one month, therefore becoming clear to me that I just need to work on myself now, and not "us." If we were to work on "us" it will happen. 

I did say this life that has finally come out of me came from the time when I started to handle things on my own... in the back of my mind, it happened the moment we spoke to each other, after a tiring and faithless day I had. It is the last thing I listed of gaining serenity and grace. I felt happy.

I spend more time talking to him now. He is letting me borrow his guitar and teaching me a few songs. So, it scares me... because I still love Sean. 

It is happening.

I ended it with Sean two weeks ago. It is the longest two weeks I have experienced.

I ended it, unexpectedly. All I wanted were five minutes, before I impulsively said "it's over." He did not expect it; I surprised myself when the words came out. Perhaps others saw it coming. I did not believe I did it.

Two weeks ago I moved in with Kristene and Mike...

I emailed a friend about it. I think it is easier if I copy and paste it, here.


"I broke up with him a few days ago. I'm living with my friend and her husband for right now. I don't know if I'm moving out; Sean hasn't answered that.

I prayed for things to work out and I am pathetically doing that, still. I love him. I want him to want me back as much as I want him..."


"I don't know. Perhaps it is only me... perhaps I made a mistake. What if he never wants me back? What if he does not want to be with me? I only imagine myself marrying him; no one else.

I felt alone. I felt that he did not spend time with me. I felt silly, unintelligent, and uninteresting to him.

I know he is always working... it's just when he works I feel like the love and commitment he showed to me in the beginning is gone.

I've been going to church and trying to sort my feelings out and I prayed he will work things out with me, too. Not only that, so many things were stressing me out.

It seems to be my fault. I hope I did not ruin things as bad as I think I have."


"I told him I want to be with him. I told him I still love him. I told him I want to work it out. I told him if he wants to work it out I will not move out. I told him if he does not want too work things out- I will move out, for him. I will do it for him.

He says I am the one who said it was over. He said that if we did I will move to Texas with my family. I have not told my mom. I don't want too. I told him I did not call and I do not want to talk to them because I want to stay in California because of him. He told me I don't have to move all my things out at once.

... I came by to pick up more clothing and hoping he will talk to me... I wanted to talk to him and tell him how I felt, and tell him what I thought and that I want us to work things out. I don't think I made it clear enough for him to realised I am ashamed with myself to end it this way.

Then I remembered him telling me that (After I asked him, "Will you want me back if we ever broke up?" "Will you want to be friends?") he would like to be friends because we are close, and he told me he would want to go back together because he loves me. This happened a year or a year-and-a-half ago.

So, I texted him.... "Can we at least start over? Friends, maybe?" He replied, "Friends is fine. Good night." Is that a start?

I am afraid of getting my hopes up. I am afraid of hurting more than I am now.

... I am afraid of hoping and having faith in us. I am afraid of his rejection. I am afraid he does not remember what he says; or if he does, I am more afraid he will not feel the same...

Am I going to fast? Should I stop telling him all this? am I making it harder for him? Should I stop calling and texting him? .... I ruined something that made my world great. I don't know if I did the same for him. I am afraid of asking. I don't think he will answer."


"It is difficult to speak with anyone, honestly. This is the first time in a week I have to myself, therefore I can talk to anyone... However, there is no one to talk to. I don't know what to talk about... I don't want to burden anyone with my problems...

... My friends (whom I'm staying with) are leaving town in a couple weeks for a few days. I texted him last night and asked if it will be ok if I can stay there for a while, and I will buy a sleeping bag.

I don't want to be by myself here for three days; and I would have to ask those days off if I am here, alone. I'm afraid of thinking about staying in a place I'm not familiar with, yet. If I do spend the night there at his place, I will work, to make it easier on him..."



"He knows I miss him. I tell him every night. At least he's talking to me, now. Not much, but it's a start.

He said it will be awkward if I slept in the same bed. I moved most of my things out yesterday. I cannot believe this is happening. I'm homesick.
He said he doesn't want a relationship or deal with emotions. He said he just wants to work, eat, and sleep. He said he just wants to make money and not deal with anything else.

I hope things work out. He said he still cares. There's things he needs to work on, as in making an effort to show how much he loves me or cares; or by doing simple things like stopping by to see me, or calling me just to say hi and see what I'm doing, etc. There's things I need to work on like my temper and patience. I need to be graceful, again. When I was, he did show he loved me or cared.

Now, I'm thinking of all the wonderful times we had when it was just me and him in Vegas and when I moved to California. I don't know why it happened, but I have an idea how it happened.
He lost his job, so I supported him and helped him with rent and all. Then he started working and he was doing great. I saw him less. I spent time with him less. That's how it started. I realised I didn't show as much support as I ought have. I complained and felt alone. I needed him when I was stressed. I needed him for everything.

That is when our fights were the worse."



"Things are better. We talked yesterday and he said he misses me and still loves me. He said we'll be together once he feels settled enough to buy or rent a new place..."



"Sean and I hung out yesterday for two hours. We agree that you don't appreciate something until it's gone, and it seems like we are extra careful, loving, and appreciative to each other... I love him more and clearly, now.

We will move back together once things are settled with his brother. I was told he needs to calm down. Also, once I graduate and work full time we'll be together, soon."



Whatever "soon" means.

I'm writing this because I'm upset:

I want a break up. I want someone who is kind, intelligent, observant, and a best friend.
When I think he cannot trust me, I am insecure. (He is intelligent and observant. He is kind. I realize that, now.)

Over the last year I wrote the reasons why I cannot or do not want a break up.

I just feel so alone with him. I want to be with him. I have become vulnerable and I dislike it; it reminds me of my mother.
I wish things were better. I pray for us to work out. I want them to. I want him to try.

He just seems uninterested. I wish he were not. If I say, I'm unhappy or whatnot he believes it is a phase and I will or ought to get over it if I went away. However, going away will not help things. It will not solve anything.

When I was at church the other day, I saw couples holding each other, glancing at one another, squeezing their significant other's hand.
I want that. I have wanted that.

It has been over a year and it seems hopeless, now. I am praying there is hope. I pray for us more throughout the day when I am not with him, when I'm mad, upset, or happy. I pray for us before I go to bed and sadly and pathetically repeat it.

All my things in the storage are gone.
My parents continue moving.
My parents refuse to pay my school.
They are (I am) in Collection, again.
My work wants to give me a promotion once I have my high school diploma.
I love the beach.
I feel independent here.
I have freedom here.
Nonetheless, I am happy here.

Moreover, there is only one reason I want to leave California; it is the same reason I want to stay...

I have thoughts I feel guilty of. These thoughts fill a void I wish were faithful. I am faithful; however, my thoughts clearly are not. I want to imagine someone here to listen, support, and encourage me to keep fighting. I thought I had a best friend, but this friend seems more like a roommate; not even a friend, not even like a coworker.

I am closer to people at work than I am at home.
What is wrong with me? What is my problem?

I am not married. Why do I feel like it? Why do I fight for us as if we were married? Why do I keep doing this? Why can I not just go? Why do I not have the strength to go? Why am I like my mother?

This is the weakness I loath. I never wanted to be vulnerable. I found out I am. I do not want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the weakness I want at bay.

So, why am I here? Why do I live here?

As I say or think that, in the back of my mind all the reasons come up. So, why do I say it? I don't want to input the reasons. I have done it a plethora of times.

I want this clutch off.

I am praying. I love. I forgive. I stay.

Yesterday at church, the pastor said to remember these twelve words: 1. I was wrong, 2. I am sorry, 3. Please forgive me, and 4. I love you.

The storage in Vegas sold our provisions, again. It is the third and last storage, and it had my most valuable possessions. All my notebooks, books, my poetry from my younger years, my art, my sketches, photographs, and guitar are now gone. I thought losing my things in the storage, in California, when I was twelve was upsetting.

The one thing that upsets me most is the lies. I cannot comprehend the anger and hurt I felt on the phone; I ought to be used to this. I cannot believe that after all the years of going through things more than once results in nothing learned.

I dislike that they would not allow me to know or do anything to help. I know better than to hand our things to someone else.

This is perhaps the reason why I have trust issues.

the moonlight shines and the sun becomes a glittering daylight

I know I have said that things with Sean and me have been better.
It was only a great, and short time, until I kept thinking about leaving.

I have thought of leaving plenty of times last year, and my excuses were: "my parents does not have a place of their own," "I don't have a familiar room to go to," "they can't stay in one place," "I will have nothing with them," "they are always moving and have financial problems," "I know I am well off here. I have more going for me here. I can't leave the opportunities that are ahead of me," "I can't live on my own or find a roommate; I don't have a car, I make minimum wage, who will accept, that?" "my friends moved farther from my job; I can't live with them."

I love him, too much. I gave myself to him and I will admit that has made me emotionally attached and it is more than I want it to be. He is my first. We have been together for three years, and lived together for two. I can imagine myself only pushing away and be emotionally detached from others if I did end it with him.

I do not want to complain. I do not want to say I deserve better- although, in the back of my mind I believe it. No, I do not deserve any man. A woman can have a man when she does not need one. Therefore, if I end it, I do not want to have a relationship aside from friendship, my parents and brother. I ought to focus on my future and me.

I don't know how to speak of things or describe moments that I realize I cannot do this anymore.

I want him to respect me, and not treat me as I am his brother or mother. I want him to be kind to me, encouraging, understanding, open, and not treat me as if I am no better than he is. Anything I say seems insignificant or silly. I started to believe that is true. I spoke to him of these; however, nothing has changed. I have told him I wanted to leave, and he does not seem to care.

He promised for my birthday he would call my school, speak with them, and persuade them for him to pay off my parent's debt. Well, he bought me things instead and if I had known it was between school and things at the mall, I would not have had him buy me anything.

I lost my trust in him when we were on a break in 2005. He did not listen to me when I told him not to be around that girl whom he knew wanted us to break up. He spent time with her and did not tell me about it months later. I figured I could not trust him to keep his mouth shut after he spoke with my mom about her family.
He has made promises to me, he does not keep them, and it was not until my birthday that killed our relationship, or rather, my trust and faith.


I went to church these past two Sundays with Kristene, and for embarrassing reasons, I held back tears.