Patience

It has been a month since I moved from Sean's. It has been difficult and I felt used; until recently I started to accept we are not together, and through it I am more independent than I thought. For a while I built a barrier and isolated myself as often as possible. Friends said I was not myself and I thought, "how would they know?" They don't know. They are familiar to one side and could not believe the other. 

I felt dirty because I allowed myself to be tempted into his touch. His kiss. It did not happen once. It happened three times. 

I want it to work out; however, I don't want to work it out through that. I don't want to be attached to strings.

There are a few things that helps me take my mind off him or my emotional wonder. For one, doing new (exciting) things. Second, creating independence; and third a friend whom talks to me in a non-pitiful way. It seems like I am betraying Sean although I know I am not because we are not together. He says he wants to be with me but does not want the label. 

In other news, I have my permit! I passed the test almost a month ago and I practiced three times since then. Kristene and Mike have been busy with their new puppy and for a while things seemed a little awkward or tense with the three of us. That passed! 

Last week my home school allowed me to take over the payments. I paid $500 and $1000 is the due. It has been difficult for them to contact my parents and it is either they go in to collection again or I pay for it. I am happy I handle it. I'm close to getting my high school diploma! 

It was around then when my dependency on Sean started to fade. I realized I am capable of things I thought I could not handle. I achieved more in one month, therefore becoming clear to me that I just need to work on myself now, and not "us." If we were to work on "us" it will happen. 

I did say this life that has finally come out of me came from the time when I started to handle things on my own... in the back of my mind, it happened the moment we spoke to each other, after a tiring and faithless day I had. It is the last thing I listed of gaining serenity and grace. I felt happy.

I spend more time talking to him now. He is letting me borrow his guitar and teaching me a few songs. So, it scares me... because I still love Sean.