the moonlight shines and the sun becomes a glittering daylight

I know I have said that things with Sean and me have been better.
It was only a great, and short time, until I kept thinking about leaving.

I have thought of leaving plenty of times last year, and my excuses were: "my parents does not have a place of their own," "I don't have a familiar room to go to," "they can't stay in one place," "I will have nothing with them," "they are always moving and have financial problems," "I know I am well off here. I have more going for me here. I can't leave the opportunities that are ahead of me," "I can't live on my own or find a roommate; I don't have a car, I make minimum wage, who will accept, that?" "my friends moved farther from my job; I can't live with them."

I love him, too much. I gave myself to him and I will admit that has made me emotionally attached and it is more than I want it to be. He is my first. We have been together for three years, and lived together for two. I can imagine myself only pushing away and be emotionally detached from others if I did end it with him.

I do not want to complain. I do not want to say I deserve better- although, in the back of my mind I believe it. No, I do not deserve any man. A woman can have a man when she does not need one. Therefore, if I end it, I do not want to have a relationship aside from friendship, my parents and brother. I ought to focus on my future and me.

I don't know how to speak of things or describe moments that I realize I cannot do this anymore.

I want him to respect me, and not treat me as I am his brother or mother. I want him to be kind to me, encouraging, understanding, open, and not treat me as if I am no better than he is. Anything I say seems insignificant or silly. I started to believe that is true. I spoke to him of these; however, nothing has changed. I have told him I wanted to leave, and he does not seem to care.

He promised for my birthday he would call my school, speak with them, and persuade them for him to pay off my parent's debt. Well, he bought me things instead and if I had known it was between school and things at the mall, I would not have had him buy me anything.

I lost my trust in him when we were on a break in 2005. He did not listen to me when I told him not to be around that girl whom he knew wanted us to break up. He spent time with her and did not tell me about it months later. I figured I could not trust him to keep his mouth shut after he spoke with my mom about her family.
He has made promises to me, he does not keep them, and it was not until my birthday that killed our relationship, or rather, my trust and faith.


I went to church these past two Sundays with Kristene, and for embarrassing reasons, I held back tears.