Catch Up!

Wow, I fell out of the habit of updating this!

Well, so far I am almost finished with my first year of college. I am currently taking a summer class, and if I continue doing as well as I have been then I can earn my associates degree of science as early as next fall. I will be a nurse in no time!

I am still working for Big 5, but I am currently looking for other opportunities.

My walk with the Lord has been a blessing. He brings the right people into my life when I fall or make mistakes, and during the times of great joy or great regret. My "love life" is currently set on singleness--and it takes time to get use to it, especially since I have been someone's "girlfriend" since I was fifteen. My desires have changed or became apparent recently--I want to feed the hungry, stand beside the broken and dying, and have a family and adopt. I still want to be a nurse, but if God blesses me with these things, I will be overjoyed. If not, well, I know He has great plans for me.

I should update this more. Sorry it's short and bland. :/

Uganda testimony

When I was younger, I had a vision: going to a third world country to feed the hungry; but—I have a confession to make… Going to Africa was the last place I wanted to visit. I knew I was going—I just did not know when. So, it was the last on my list. That occurred to me the first morning in Uganda; I searched within myself as my eyes scanned the rainforest ahead of me. Before I came to Christ, I was scared of going to a place that is unfamiliar; however, I was intrigued by the thought of going—but fear kept me from opening my heart. After I came to Christ, a plethora of things changed… and the desires of my heart shifted from the things I wanted last—to being the first.

I left the States with one of my “life verses”—2 Corinthians 12:9—“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” As I allowed Him in, He strengthened me. He knew the extent of my need to go. Everyday, I was reminded of His presence and power. His presence in Uganda is REAL. The worship is REAL. The love is REAL. In Uganda, I allowed the Holy Spirit in—in ALL situations, and called on God for strength—because “the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

In 14 days we operated 15 medical and deworming clinics in the slums and villages. We volunteered in Sanyu Baby Home orphanage, visited the New Creation Centre for school, spent time with the orphans of Loving One By One’s New Creation Family Home, and ministered in a hospital and burn clinic, and brought a few loads of donations to the villages.

Now, I have a few things to share with you, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters” (Genesis 1:1&2). As we approached our first AIDs village, it felt like that in my heart—empty, formless… God knew all of us from the beginning. He knew the hearts of men, and God knows when a heart will dramatically change from “darkness” to the light. During the trip, I turned from a believer in the Word, to a genuine servant in reverence to the almighty God.

A line of cheers and laughter greeted us. The outside of the small church was crowded with grandparents and children. I shook many hands, hugged the children that ran up to me, and saw tears from the grandparents as they personally thanked us for being an answer to their prayers. I made my way to the side door of the church, walked up the steps of the stage, looked to the crowd—then the vision from my eyes paused. The church was packed. There were little heads peaking through the windows looking-in, and a short song of love for Jesus. My heart welled, but I witnessed something beautiful—the presence of Jesus Christ is in the room. I have never seen it look so real, so loving, and so pure. I could hear Him say to me, “Love these people as I love you. These are my children, and they are precious,” “God,” I said, “You asked me to love these people…” I felt so weak—then I felt it. It did not come from me—it came through me. His love. I felt like I was dancing to the beat of Jesus’ heart. I was moving, loving, looking, holding. I thought—this is a different love. A love I never experienced. I was with Him, and surrounded in His love. After this, I was reminded daily of His presence and power.

I learned a few things the first week. One day, we went to Mulago Hospital, and ministered to the children and adults before or after their surgeries. In addition, we made a visit to the burn clinic. I learned about a baby boy (Gazarian) and his story. His mother attempted to burn, and kill, herself and her children. Five of his siblings died along with her, but he survived. I spoke with the grandmother (Mary). She was hopeless, weak, and exhausted. I asked if I could pray for her and the baby, who was severely burned on most of his body. I felt myself becoming weak again… I closed my eyes and prayed. The little strength I had was giving way. In the middle of prayer, in tears, I asked the Holy Spirit to strengthen me, and help me pray. I can see so many broken hearts, beautiful hearts… some were melted on parts of their body, others would not even look me. I felt that same love I had at the AIDs village again. As an answer to prayer, Sherry, our leader, came in and burst into song about Jesus, and the patients sang along. If she had not come in, I would have forgotten how to laugh. For a moment, their sorrows, and mine, melted away. Laughter is a gift from God; therefore, we need to remember to rejoice always—because the Lord is near. Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” God is the antidote for fear and loneliness. The children, especially, have reminded me the most of that. Their laughter, joy, and genuine worship for God kept me repeating with them, “God is good—all the time.”

On the last day of our clinic, one of the nurses gave a sex-ed class in the school that Sherry runs. The first group was with the younger ones, and the second group was with the older ones. The classes were separated into boys and girls. The first group of boys went in a separate room than the girls, and the first class was just on the changes their bodies will go through. The second, older group, went further. Sherry asked if anyone wanted to stick back and support the kids. I volunteered, and she asked me if I could speak on purity, and what it means to me. Bear in mind that it’s common for these girls to have been victims of some type of sexual activity and what-not—so, I told them a story so they can relate. I encouraged them, and I asked that they pray about making a commitment to purity. The girls left, and the Uganda team of girls that stuck back prayed, and waited. Suddenly, there was a line outside the door. Most or all the girls came back, waiting to receive their ring and make a commitment to purity. In addition, I was given a ring as a gift from Sherry.

Being in Uganda allowed me to be still. I asked the Lord to be the only one stirring in my heart. When I was with Him, His love surrounded me. When I was brought to His side, he lifted me up on eagle’s wings. I received abundantly from Christ through the children and community in Uganda. We went there to serve, but God used the children and community to minister to us through Jesus Christ. I witnessed the beauty of people the first day, and I have never experienced the power of prayer coming from children’s mouths.

I left Uganda with this scripture on my heart: Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” God’s purpose is the most powerful force in shaping me into the person He plans for me to become.

My relationship with God since the trip has been closer and humbling. He is real in my life and the lives I saw. My reliance in Him has grown. My prayer-life with Him has grown. I’m clinging onto Him, because He is the one who keeps me standing. I live and breathe because of Him. He must increase, and I must decrease (John 3:30).

He is the only one who can improve us. Our lives should be characterized by moral purity, patience, and peacefulness… a transformed life is an effective witness to the power of God’s Word. God wants us to be stripped of ourselves, and be in the likeness of Him-the one who carried us on His back and spilled His blood on our hearts to cover us in righteousness.

Something else I learned—we are made to express His love. His love wipes away all fears. His love did immeasurably more than I thought. His love opened my heart. As the children and orphans of Uganda say, “Hallelujah! Amen! God is good—all the time!”

I hope that my heart will become what it was in Uganda, and more. I sought for a heart of God, and I seek to grow more humbly as His servant in reverence to who is His, because I am who I am in Him, and I belong to Him.

Wow, it's been so long. I am so sorry I have not updated. :( I have been so busy!

Anyway, I can't be on here long; but, here is a quick review of the past two months:

1. I moved out of Culver City, now I live with an older, retired couple from one of my churches.
2. I was baptized on August 8th.
3. Been evangelizing.
4. I spend at least 12 hours of church activities at church or churches.
5. Going to school full-time.
6. Transferred to a different store.
7. Working 16-20 hours/week.
8. Recently joined the worship team in one of my fellowship classes.
9. Gave my testimony.
10. Witnessing to people.
11. A lot of bible study.
12. Planning for a short-term mission trip to Uganda (I need to speak about this!).
13. Skid Row.

My weeks consists of:

• 12 hours/wk of fellowship. Plus, about 6 hours/wk of bible study in the morning. (Not counting the extra hours for volunteer work through or at church/outreaches). Total: appx. 18 hours of service per week(that I love!).
• FT student with a FT workload (I manage to get ahead on my work. It amazes me I have made it this far with very little struggle or stress.). I have 5 classes. 11 hours of class time. Total of 4 hours/wk between classes I use for study or homework. Total: 15 hours of being on campus (I'm not going to count the hours of study at home).
• 16-20 hours/wk of work. I consider these to be my "days off." I will use the least amount of hours/wk: Total: 16 hours per week of work.

= at least 49 hours a week of "doing," out of 168 hours a week. 119 hours consisting of: eating, sleeping, coffee talk, studying at the coffee shop, checking email, and reading a book. Doesn't sound too bad. Life is good, although I do get exhausted sometimes.

Catching up

I suppose I have not kept you up-to-date with- or how things are. I'm sorry. :)

First, I have been excited that I can go to school in the spring. I have taken the placement tests, signed up for financial aid, spoke with a counselor, and made an "educational plan" for my major in radiology. The same day we spoke, I registered for five classes, and in mid-spring, I would have to speak with one of the radiology counselors and talk about transferring for neuroradiology.

Unfortunately, I had to drop my classes (all of them), and wait until fall to go to college. Why did I do this (I was deeply upset and angry)? Well, one of my roommates (my friend's husband) was angry with me because I was not taking more hours at work. Hence, he wants me to pay an extra $100 for rent, and go to work full-time. Couldn't I just go to school at nights, after work? Sounds good, however, I do not have a car, nor a license to drive! (I am hoping I take the test soon. Everyone is too busy to teach me. I can drive-- however; I do not have enough experience on the road or freeways. :( ).

At the moment, Justin (the new guy I spoke of in the previous entry) and his parents are helping me look for a place...

My mom and I spoke. She and my step dad want to help. They are thinking, A) My mom, my step dad, my brother and I move to Vegas, and he will work at a casino; or B) my mom, my brother and I can find a place here, and my step dad will pay our rent. I am thinking I want to work full time too, just in case, and go to school at night. My mom disagrees-- she wants me to focus on school, and work part-time. She will work. I have been stressed over this, but as long as I get my mind off it for most of the day, I can handle it just fine.

One of (and perhaps the only) reasons why I have not been keeping up to date is because I have been spending a lot of my time with Justin and his family. For the second reason, when I did have the time, I could not get my thoughts straight; and third, I could not find the time and space I needed for clarity.

For Thanksgiving, I spent it at his aunt's house. It was amazing. Funny thing is I was laughing so much I had an asthma attack. They took care of me though, and it was the first time he called me "babe," so it was cute.
For Christmas, I was going to be alone. They invited me (and my roommate) over and we played games, ate a lot of food, and of course, opened presents. I felt very spoiled and touched.

I still talk to Sean. In fact, I spent the day with him and Jesse when he got off work. It is nice that we are able to talk and laugh together, still. My feelings for him are only friendly. I do care about him and he still cares for me; however, that is far as it will go. We cannot see ourselves together, again. Justin is fine with it. He trusts me, although he does worry. I do not blame him, I trust him; however, I worry over his long-time friend and him. I won't get into that, though.

Hm, it's not a detailed post, but it is something. :)

Want the truth?

Sean and I are in good terms, again.

It does not take away the wonder and possibilities. I am afraid of opening myself again--to him and others.

I will be honest; I have wondered and played things in my mind. I tell myself they are only desires and of rekindling the past, and that I should not take those silly thoughts of mine seriously. I am determined and fighting for my will to be single for at least a year or year and a half. I am determined to be independent and emotionally ready for a relationship, and we know that can take time. Although it seems like I have moved on and seem better off, I know I have not completely moved on, and I do not think I am better off. Things happen. We learn. We grow. I do not regret it. I learned to love the lesson with the pain.
I know that I am not at all ready for a relationship, even with Sean. I do believe things can work out-- that is, if it's meant to be.

As I tell myself the desires and reminiscence are only that, and that I should forget it, I remind myself that I need to tell myself the truth. Yes, I do want things to work out; yes, I miss him; yes, I see myself with him; and yes, we will grow old together. I learned that I have to tell myself the truth, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let it go.
It works, for the most part; and the practice gets better. Letting things go have been easier and rewarding.

So yes, I do love him, and I know I always will. If it works out, it will work out. In addition, as I have said in the past entries, if I were to go into a relationship, I want it to go somewhere--with, or without him.



On to a different topic, I received my diploma and transcript the other night! I was in tears and felt relieved. I cannot wait until spring!

I made copies for Dreux in Human Resources and I hope he can give me a position in the office.
Starting this Tuesday I work in the store. If I cannot get a position in the office, I am looking for a freight company close by.

I came back from Miami October 5th. I cannot believe I am back. I knew how it is going to be like when I am back in California...

The week went by quickly once I arrived. I wonder why that is?

You know how it is when you're having a good time and the time or week goes by quickly? It did not for me in Miami.

Being in Miami with Jeanette and her friends made it wonderful. I had a great time. Two weeks felt longer and every day there was something new.

We went to the Metro Zoo, Vizcaya (beautiful home and gardens), had an apartment on the beach, went out at night, going to South Beach, and their surprise party for me before I left (glow stick war!).

The time there did not seem or feel short. The time there is what I needed. The time there did not have to go by quickly. I am glad it did not. I needed that time to rejuvenate myself. Find peace within myself and gain wisdom. I was happy, serene, tranquil, and in love with life.

I allowed myself to fall in love with the action of love, as I was around Jeanette and Danny. Noticing their actions toward each other swept me with love, and the acceptance that I do not need to be in love to feel love. I felt theirs-- and that is all I needed. I do not need a relationship when I see one working in love.

As I have said in a past entry,- love takes effort.
Someone once told me that falling in love is easy. I argued that is not love. It takes work. Love with your significant other is precious. Falling in love takes time. Staying in love takes effort.

Being in love with life and people around me is all I need right now. I do not need to be with someone to know that.



I did not worry over money, bills, a car, work, or pressure as I do in California. When one does not think of money or experience the pressure of others, they are happy. For instance, when my family and I did not have money, when we did not have many things, when we slept on the floor, went from place to place, stayed in the car, had very little food-- I was grateful for what I had at the time. From what I have been through when I was very young taught me to appreciate the things I had, and not worry about what I did not have. Money does not create happiness. A currency that is involved in our life.

"There are times of stress, but sometimes you forget you're poor-- even when you don't have money-- and you start to think you're rich." - Melody Beattie


This is how it was like for those two weeks.


Now, I experienced my first week back in California, renewed. The week went by quickly, and everyday was the same. The thing that was mainly on my mind this week was money. I will be broke after I pay the rent, buy food, and pay my final payment for my school.

Although I have been slightly stressed (I have been using what I learned and read while I was in Miami to help me go through the day), I have been somewhat calm. I read and meditated once I arrive home from work. I turn off my phone, grab my iPod and put on my Feng Shui: Music for balanced living on. I start to read, write, and by the time I was done, I laid down and closed my eyes, and listened to the music. It is the closest to serenity I can achieve. It is the closet I can get, as if I was in Miami.

Morever, I am back. I am being impeccable with my word, although I do not speak much or at all here. I am telling myself not to take things personally (I remind myself of this anytime an unwanted emotion strikes me, and it happens a lot). I do not make assumptions. Above all, I am trying my best.

"Be impeccable with your word."


I have been in Miami for a week and a half and it is the best decision I have made in a long time. I am completely happy and at ease. I am finding my strength and learning to be impeccable with my words. I have bought books that remind me who I am and what I can do.

I love Miami. I love my friend and new friends, here. It is the best thing I have done, and I do not regret anything, anymore.

I will be sad to leave, however, I will leave better and peacefully.

I cannot express how amazing these people are. Jeanette and Danny are perhaps the best people I have in my life. They are the best. They are amazing. I am grateful.

Other news: I graduated! I am so excited for college. I will do what I can to be the best neuro radiologist or more. I am going to college, and I will not let anything get in my way this time.

Be impeccable with your words.

As for relationships: I will not settle for being less than what someone wants or more.

I can say I am doing much better. I'm happy, I'm socializing, I'm going back to my roots: music and writing; at least, I'm attempting to. I don't want to force myself and write or do anything without meaning and significance. I want it real.

I'm exercising regularly and eating well. My days off are filled with priorities and things to do and learn. 

I do not want a relationship at the moment; not with anyone. Only friends, no benefits, and independence. Once I feel and know I am ready to be in one, I will.

However, I love Sean, and I believe I always will. No one will replace his spot; not in the way he did. I pray for him every night because I sincerely wish things will work out for him. I pray that he will be humbled. I pray for us. I don't know if we will be together soon, but I hope we will. I hope he will open more to me. I am taking it one day at a time. I am being patient and understanding. I hope he knows that I still love and want to be with him. I am just growing more and recognizing my strengths and weaknesses. 

Our time apart is what I need. It is what he needs.

Aside from that, things are great!

If it wasn't for my friends, I would be lost right now.

I realized how important they are to me, and I realized just how much I love and miss my family.

Patience

It has been a month since I moved from Sean's. It has been difficult and I felt used; until recently I started to accept we are not together, and through it I am more independent than I thought. For a while I built a barrier and isolated myself as often as possible. Friends said I was not myself and I thought, "how would they know?" They don't know. They are familiar to one side and could not believe the other. 

I felt dirty because I allowed myself to be tempted into his touch. His kiss. It did not happen once. It happened three times. 

I want it to work out; however, I don't want to work it out through that. I don't want to be attached to strings.

There are a few things that helps me take my mind off him or my emotional wonder. For one, doing new (exciting) things. Second, creating independence; and third a friend whom talks to me in a non-pitiful way. It seems like I am betraying Sean although I know I am not because we are not together. He says he wants to be with me but does not want the label. 

In other news, I have my permit! I passed the test almost a month ago and I practiced three times since then. Kristene and Mike have been busy with their new puppy and for a while things seemed a little awkward or tense with the three of us. That passed! 

Last week my home school allowed me to take over the payments. I paid $500 and $1000 is the due. It has been difficult for them to contact my parents and it is either they go in to collection again or I pay for it. I am happy I handle it. I'm close to getting my high school diploma! 

It was around then when my dependency on Sean started to fade. I realized I am capable of things I thought I could not handle. I achieved more in one month, therefore becoming clear to me that I just need to work on myself now, and not "us." If we were to work on "us" it will happen. 

I did say this life that has finally come out of me came from the time when I started to handle things on my own... in the back of my mind, it happened the moment we spoke to each other, after a tiring and faithless day I had. It is the last thing I listed of gaining serenity and grace. I felt happy.

I spend more time talking to him now. He is letting me borrow his guitar and teaching me a few songs. So, it scares me... because I still love Sean.