The storage in Vegas sold our provisions, again. It is the third and last storage, and it had my most valuable possessions. All my notebooks, books, my poetry from my younger years, my art, my sketches, photographs, and guitar are now gone. I thought losing my things in the storage, in California, when I was twelve was upsetting.

The one thing that upsets me most is the lies. I cannot comprehend the anger and hurt I felt on the phone; I ought to be used to this. I cannot believe that after all the years of going through things more than once results in nothing learned.

I dislike that they would not allow me to know or do anything to help. I know better than to hand our things to someone else.

This is perhaps the reason why I have trust issues.

Exit

This best describes the situation, feeling, and thoughts lurking in my mind.


At times, words do not carry meaning. Truth is vague and lies are lost in reserved spots. Sometimes, belief is difficult to attain in a closed mind.
There are directions and windows that cannot be avoided in a lot that one has chosen, or had no choice but to go. There are lots that are empty; ones that people unknowingly avoid.


I am fully aware of what I say; I am, however, unsure if I said it correctly.
I have been thinking of moving out. If I had a choice, but not leave California-, I will. I have told Sean plenty of times; however, he did not believe me until tonight.

"I don't want to get married, now. I'm just tired of it. I am tired of fighting," "I thought about really moving back with my parents. There's nothing there for me, there's nothing here, too," "I do want to stay with you- it's just hard."

I do not want to get married. Not now, or soon. We are fighting too much. We have to work things out before getting married.

Once things seem right, I do. I have given up waiting to get married. I realize it is for the best. We cannot be like this, anymore. We cannot be like this, at all. Please.

The coloured and grey.

A destination is coloured as the opposite fades in to black and grey.

I am unsure of what direction to take, however, my instinct tells me we are better off going the practical way. Nevertheless, it is heart breaking leaving a place you have grown accustomed to and learn to love.

I will be leaving a place with a great opportunity at my work. I will be leaving a place where I have finally set my sights on college. I will be leaving a place where I have met wonderful, and not so wonderful people. I will be leaving a place of serenity and the sound waves. I love this chapter of my life; although, I had my moments of loneliness, doubt, and guilt.

*****



Sean's father has come from Bolivia seven months ago to work on a landscape project. The total of years he has been gone is more than half the age of Sean. The last time Sean has seen his father (along with Peter and Robert) is when he left the three of them at the border of Mexico. Years have been full of hate towards his father.

In December, we are visiting Bolivia for a month. We are excited to leave the U.S. for a while.

His father left two days ago, returning to Bolivia to his wife and two children. His time here, although spent the remaining week with two of his sons, have cleared the anguish and treated us with laughter. I stayed out of their way as they spent time together for the first few days.

Within the week and a day or two before his departure, we were told to find a new place. Apparently, we are giving trouble to our property owner, Rosalie. We do not bother her, and we do give our rent on time.
Since, we have been looking for a new place. Sean's father offered a place for us in Bolivia and a business he is opening. I gave a nights thought and realized I could not bear to live in a country with a different tongue (I am uninterested in the language, especially- I am horrible at it and I have been trying to learn it for years.) and work will be limited. After I thought how selfish I was being towards Sean. I thought he could have a better life there. He would not have to worry as much as he is now. We talked about it, quietly, the next morning. He confessed he does not want to live there and he does not want to be away from me, again (I mentioned it will be best if he lived in Bolivia and I, Vegas with my parents. It hurt him to hear as it hurt me to say.).

Together, we looked for apartments and homes. The prices are very unpractical. His brother, Pete, said his girlfriend's parents own a property in Hermosa Beach and we have to pay $450 each. That is cheap and the area is wonderful. It is less than a mile from the beach and I would go there everyday if I wanted. However, the next day he called and told Sean it has already been taken. So much of hope.

The next place is Culver City or some place, horrible place- worse than here. I do not want to step out of the car or home if we lived there. What more- I walk!

This has made Sean and I worry much more than we have. Other places we have checked are outrageous. Then, we looked in to places near to our work. It is still the same.

Finally, we looked at Vegas apartments. We can have a three-bedroom apartment for what we pay here. In addition, it is in a nice area.
We don't want to live with my parents. They seem to have too much trouble.


We are better off there, if there is no place for us here.

I am forcing my fingers to dance on the keys...

Work is good. I like my job; granted- I don’t like the customers, sometimes, but the people who works there are awesome; I hate walking to work everyday, but it is worth it once I have my check.

School is also being tough. All I need is two-and-a-half credits and I can graduate; and I am able to do that in two months, the most! My mom has not paid my home school for almost a year. It turns out that I may end up paying the 1K+/-.

It is difficult, because most of my check goes to bills and rent, and if I am lucky enough, I can buy new shoes and clothes (in due time, I have too.). Now that the holidays are over, I hope I am able to save enough and go to college this fall.

In candour, I was not fully happy in Vegas. Granted, I am not saying I am happier here, in California.

When I lived in Vegas, it was tougher and depressing, overall. There were times when I just wanted it to end. There were times when I almost did let it end. I did not have anyone personal to talk too during high school, and it turns out that friends are not really friends. Therefore, many of them have dropped from my life, but they do not know that. In a way, I gave up on them, because it seemed like they have given up on me a long time ago. Henceforth, plethora of things happened in 2005 and 2006. When I think about it, it seems like it has happened many years ago, in a few years.

I can say that I am happy, and I am genuine about it. Sure, Sean and I are going through our difficulties, but we go through it, together, and we are happier once we step over an obstacle. Who said life was/is easy? It doesn't matter if they say, "you make it that way," it does not matter when or how it is difficult, because life is always going to have something thrown in your face.

Nevertheless, there were those moments when I was genuinely happy in Vegas; but all of that is in the past, and presently things are what they are and I accept them (whether I like it, or not.). However, since I lived here, my eyes have opened. That, in itself, makes me happy.

Perhaps, I am happier here.