Just rest.

Miracles.

In the beginning of the year, Sean asked me if it was all right if he buys a Nile Monitor. I thought and researched them and decided it is not a good idea. Considering their size once they are adults and the time and patience one has to give we need to have a larger environment. However, a few days later he came home with one.

A month and a half later, I realized this little person made things much better and is one of, or the best thing, that has happened to us for the last two years Sean and I lived together.

I am fascinated and intrigued by these lizards. I love him so much.
His name is Zero and he is an Ornate Nile Monitor because of his five ocellis (rows between his shoulders and hip), his pink tongue, squared skull, and the slight coloration on his neck. In captivity, they can grow up to four or five feet; in the wild they can be six or seven feet. They are recognized for their muscular built when they are adults.

Original Nile Monitors can be slightly longer than the Ornate. They will have six or seven rows of ocellis, a narrow skull, and will not be as heavy as an ornate.

Despite the misconception of nile monitors being aggressive the correct term for them is defensive. They are nervous, shy, intelligent, curious, and will stand their ground, when cornered or feel threatened. It can take weeks or months for them to trust or tolerate you.

Sean is amazing and patient with him. Sean is able to hold him with his bare hands when Zero is calm. There has been a few times when he runs loose and frightens Sean because he is afraid of him getting hurt. If anything, do not scare them by running after them or being frantic. They will only hurt themselves.

The publics' feelings towards reptiles are unfortunately uneasy. I admit I was uneasy at first; however, Zero has changed that for me. I recently held him and I was pathetically emotional over it.

Sean took the above picture with his phone. Nile monitors love the water. He is a little over a foot long. He is the one thing I look forward to when I come home.


Aside from all this, I have been working, eating healthy, exercising, and finally reading.

On that note, I recently finished The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck. It is a great book and I suggest anyone to read it. I will say it had me realize a plethora of things, and gladly work things out with Sean, and myself and those around me.

The unfortunate thing is that I have been unmotivated to finish my schoolwork. I am not going to give any excuses; it is entirely my fault for avoiding it. I thought it was not worth it and I felt extremely lonesome and ashamed for many things...

Although, there have been small things that have given a little kick: Reading, thinking, my solitude, etc...

The one that had me realize how fortunate I am is working in the corporate office for two and a half weeks, filling in.I realized I can do things better than I thought. It helped that my supervisor and his supervisor and others begged me to finish school because they noticed all the help I have done for Big 5 for almost two years.
Now I am going back to the store.

If I had not made this clear, Sean and I have been working things out. It does take effort, discipline, and thought for love. Therefore, I am starting to look at things much better and clearer.

I think that since Sean came home on that rainy day, with a lizard in a brown bag and its aquarium and essentials, things have been looking up for him and me. Cheesy as I may sound, it is a miracle.

The usual.

At work, they told me, did not ask me, from then until December 31st, I will temporarily be full time. I have a two-dollar raise and I am told not to tell anyone how much I make or that I am full time.

For potluck, I am making sushi. Perhaps, chocolate covered strawberries too. Maria and Rosie will do it with me, since they begged for it.

I have not started Christmas shopping, nor will I this year.
My mother called me a few days ago and told me that my school counselor has talked to her (I would not say 'with', because I know she did not say much that will help.) and told her that I "will have to start over again, as a freshman in high school," if she (my mom) does not pay, again.

I am determined to pay off as much as I can, of what she owes. My upcoming check is on December 21st, and I hope I am not too late. I have to send it as money order, and find a way for them not to find out I paid...


Sean said he is having a surprise for me this Christmas. I am not expecting much. I do not want him to buy me anything, really.

He did preorder BoA's upcoming album (limited edition!) for me, though. So, that's fine. :)

However, it seems I am unable to buy him anything this year, or for his birthday...




This Christmas seems a bit glum for me. It does not feel like Christmas, anymore.

There is colour and beauty in darkness.

Leaves, bugs, bear, old man, and voicemails.

The leaves are making the path difficult.

I see an evil bug, an old man with a curl on his head, and a sad bear with big eyes and a beard.






Simple, cute or silly, voicemails make me happy.

Exit

This best describes the situation, feeling, and thoughts lurking in my mind.


At times, words do not carry meaning. Truth is vague and lies are lost in reserved spots. Sometimes, belief is difficult to attain in a closed mind.
There are directions and windows that cannot be avoided in a lot that one has chosen, or had no choice but to go. There are lots that are empty; ones that people unknowingly avoid.


I am fully aware of what I say; I am, however, unsure if I said it correctly.
I have been thinking of moving out. If I had a choice, but not leave California-, I will. I have told Sean plenty of times; however, he did not believe me until tonight.

"I don't want to get married, now. I'm just tired of it. I am tired of fighting," "I thought about really moving back with my parents. There's nothing there for me, there's nothing here, too," "I do want to stay with you- it's just hard."

I do not want to get married. Not now, or soon. We are fighting too much. We have to work things out before getting married.

Once things seem right, I do. I have given up waiting to get married. I realize it is for the best. We cannot be like this, anymore. We cannot be like this, at all. Please.

The one that stood out is not from the center.



P.S. Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Sucks for me, I cannot eat solid foods because I am sick (I didn't eat anything Monday, and finally ate something Tuesday night- which is not much, and ended up sticking my head in the toilet in pain.).

Man, I really want mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, yams, and pumpkin pie.
Fall is my favorite season. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Sean and I planned to make a meal, too! Now, it will not happen. :/

I really miss my mom's food when I am sick. She took very good care of me.

My boss probably thought I was not that sick. Oh well. I will still show up for work Friday.

Woops. My "P.S." ought to end now.

Temecula, Wine Country, Antique Shopping, and things.

Let us take a seat.


It has been a while since I have updated and I am unsure what to say.

Kristene and Mike have been more than great to me. They drove me to Temecula and old town Temecula, through the wine country, and took me antique shopping (they bought me a calligraphy set at an antique mall).

All month I kept myself busy. Either going out or creating things at home. However, my schoolwork has not been touched as often as it should.

I go to a coffee shop every Sunday after work with one or two of my co-workers to study, do some homework, and talk. Those are the only times I have done my homework this month. Nevertheless, I finished six packets and I started on my new six a couple of days ago. Therefore, I believe I am doing fine. Anyway, I am still (technically my mom) in Collection.

I am unable to be a full timer at work because I do not have my high school diploma.

Last weekend Kristene, Mike, and I drove to Vegas. The excuse was to obtain my birth certificate and we have tried but failed. The rule is I have to get it in Reno, not in Vegas, or fill out a form and wait. I am unable to fill out the form because I have no ID. My mother did and I hope it will be coming soon.

Yes, I finally saw my parents and brother. They seem to be doing well. I learned how to make sushi and chocolate covered strawberries while we were there.

Perhaps I should stop. Plenty has happened in between, I am just too lazy to think and write it all.


Edit: We saw "O" by Cirque du Soleil! Amazing. Moving.

Rain

Out from our door...

I wanted to capture how beautiful the sky looked once the rain stopped.

I could not capture it as I thought...


Instead, I was left alone on a garage rooftop.

Drive Safely

I sit here listening to classical music on Yahoo! and unsatisfyingly procrastinate on homework I planned finishing tonight.

I took this picture to show Sean some of the features my co-worker has on his car. Going through photos that I have taken on the night of D's party I stopped once I came to this, and zoomed to see what it says. Somehow, it struck me. I thought how often I took chances and the result slimmed. I am afraid of realizing what a mistake I done once I look from a passenger's perspective and end up in an accident I may regret.

The party is the first house party I have gone to since my ex-boyfriend, over two years ago.


There was a moment, after many unpleasant moments with one in particular, when I saw how sad it is that one can turn into, to escape. I read how he is not trying enough. How depressed he is although he denies it. I told him, "You need help," he replied, "from who?" I thought, as I smell his breath while his face was coming close to mine- that people have tried to help him. Perhaps not enough, "you need better friends," I shamelessly said. "From who?" he slurred. I had to turn my face from his. He was coming too close. I quickly lifted my eyes and looked at Javier, and back down. I thought he could not have others save him anymore. He needs to stop and save himself from crashing, again.
Javier and Maria, thank goodness, helped me get away from him.

D, whom I love and miss, is drunk at his party. I enjoy his company and the moments we talk. Although he was drunk, I realized how much he cared and how he is like me. An idealist through hardship. (I believe I don't show much of it through my blog.) More so, than me.

He quit Big 5 a couple of months ago. I remember it was a Tuesday morning and he did truck. I was told from Matt that it was Dmitriy's last day. I could not look at Dmitriy for the next three or four hours after I saw him, and the moment I asked, "You're leaving?" Why, I thought. He starts to say goodbye and writes down other's numbers and contact information. He stood right next to me and I felt his eyes on me. I looked up and he placed his hand on my shoulder as to give me support as he always did when I am confused or whatnot. He tells me he is going to miss me, and hugged me longer than I thought he would. You're the older brother I needed, I thought. I told him I am going to miss him, too.

Now, he is jobless and he knew it was coming. He knew the moment he was offered. He needed to do it for what he is studying. He knew it was only going to be for a month or two. Therefore, I understood. He goes along the road and decides what turn to take considering his mood, or by construction or traffic.


I am the one who is running across the street to go a different way.


One does not read or stop for traffic; instead, one goes for the thrill or escape.
One chooses what is best, considering what is ahead and knowing the outcome will not always be what you expect.
One does read, stops for traffic, and walks across the street, but is unwilling to go any farther.

Circle & Stripes

I don't think I am out-of place.



Sometimes, I want to be left alone by you. If we did not live together, I would ask for a break.

The Rose Garden - pictures by Kristene.

Day with Kristene

The food is so wonderful. Panera Bread will be one of my new obsessions. (The bagles are good, too.)


This is the what you look up too when you enter the science museum.

I felt so picayune. For a moment, I thought life as a staircase circling surrounding dreams- and as one continues going there seems to be not many left in the ring.

In addition, I am always unsure where I am.

However, yesterday has been amusing and stimulating; yet tiring by the end of the night.
All that requires chomping on solid food was bread, one apple, and more bread. Oh, and we had juice.

We had Panera Bread for breakfast. I have been craving a bread bowl and yesterday I had it with broccoli and cheddar cheese soup. We fed two birds, I ate my apple, and dropped her husband off at home (and she grabbed a few things).
We arrived at the science museum after being lost for an amusing hour. Unfortunately, my camera died after three or four hours and we have not been through half the museum. However, Kristene took plenty of pictures for me to download.

I have seen nothing like the rose garden. I'll post a picture she took on the next post.




It was fantastic, nonetheless. I would not mind doing it, again.


This Friday is definately beach day. It's time for us to relax.

The coloured and grey.

A destination is coloured as the opposite fades in to black and grey.

I am unsure of what direction to take, however, my instinct tells me we are better off going the practical way. Nevertheless, it is heart breaking leaving a place you have grown accustomed to and learn to love.

I will be leaving a place with a great opportunity at my work. I will be leaving a place where I have finally set my sights on college. I will be leaving a place where I have met wonderful, and not so wonderful people. I will be leaving a place of serenity and the sound waves. I love this chapter of my life; although, I had my moments of loneliness, doubt, and guilt.

*****



Sean's father has come from Bolivia seven months ago to work on a landscape project. The total of years he has been gone is more than half the age of Sean. The last time Sean has seen his father (along with Peter and Robert) is when he left the three of them at the border of Mexico. Years have been full of hate towards his father.

In December, we are visiting Bolivia for a month. We are excited to leave the U.S. for a while.

His father left two days ago, returning to Bolivia to his wife and two children. His time here, although spent the remaining week with two of his sons, have cleared the anguish and treated us with laughter. I stayed out of their way as they spent time together for the first few days.

Within the week and a day or two before his departure, we were told to find a new place. Apparently, we are giving trouble to our property owner, Rosalie. We do not bother her, and we do give our rent on time.
Since, we have been looking for a new place. Sean's father offered a place for us in Bolivia and a business he is opening. I gave a nights thought and realized I could not bear to live in a country with a different tongue (I am uninterested in the language, especially- I am horrible at it and I have been trying to learn it for years.) and work will be limited. After I thought how selfish I was being towards Sean. I thought he could have a better life there. He would not have to worry as much as he is now. We talked about it, quietly, the next morning. He confessed he does not want to live there and he does not want to be away from me, again (I mentioned it will be best if he lived in Bolivia and I, Vegas with my parents. It hurt him to hear as it hurt me to say.).

Together, we looked for apartments and homes. The prices are very unpractical. His brother, Pete, said his girlfriend's parents own a property in Hermosa Beach and we have to pay $450 each. That is cheap and the area is wonderful. It is less than a mile from the beach and I would go there everyday if I wanted. However, the next day he called and told Sean it has already been taken. So much of hope.

The next place is Culver City or some place, horrible place- worse than here. I do not want to step out of the car or home if we lived there. What more- I walk!

This has made Sean and I worry much more than we have. Other places we have checked are outrageous. Then, we looked in to places near to our work. It is still the same.

Finally, we looked at Vegas apartments. We can have a three-bedroom apartment for what we pay here. In addition, it is in a nice area.
We don't want to live with my parents. They seem to have too much trouble.


We are better off there, if there is no place for us here.

Shades

I am always unsure if I should muster the courage to take on a path. There are cracks I am cautious of and shades that will either shelter me for a moment or keep me from going further.

Sometimes, I want to stand back and ponder how it is to go forward; it can even look beautiful when you have not entered.

Doors

As one door closes another opens. If it's dark, find the switch.