I have to remember my value.

It is the people I least expect that remind me what is important: My value, my body, and my mind. In addition- and I am not much of a family person- it reminds me of the family I have.

Recently, I acknowledged that I do miss Sean. The one thing that I will always love of him is his passion towards animals. No one gets my way of animals than he does. He is amazing towards them. The quality of his is what I fell for in the beginning, among others. He is a great person. Very intellectual and nurturing.

There is one thing that gets to me-- sex. Sex is important and it is something I do not take lightly. I believe that if I decide to put it off, it ought to be respected. "People have turned sex, the act where you're most vulnerable, into a recreational activity." - my friend, Courtney. Sometimes, I forget what my values are.

I receive support in other areas from my family, however, sex or my value was not discussed as often as it ought to be. We spoke about protection, if I were pregnant, etc. I am not saying I grew up sheltered in that way, we had other things to worry and talk about. During those difficult circumstances with my family, they were top priority. I was raised in a Catholic family. I have been raised to be an open, understanding, and obedient. We spoke of life, where we are going next, where we are living, what we are going to eat, what I believed on my brother's upbringing, etc. I made it clear that I do not want my brother to be raised in circumstances we had: unstable and emotionally closed. Those were important. I thought of others before me, and I learned that from my mother. Unfortunately, the conversations were not about my value as a human, as a woman, etc. Therefore, keeping the values I have created on my own or by observation, can be difficult to keep.

Now, it is easy for me to keep my values with others, however, with Sean, it is different. We were together for three and a half years and lived together for two. Moreover, my vulnerability is easily cracked. Emotionally, I do love him-- I always will, and I care and miss him. He is a great person and he does want a friendship, and maybe more.

I have been in conflict with myself because I remind myself why we broke, what happened, what I feel, etc. In addition, there is someone new. I do not want a relationship and I made it clear to both of them. Sean and I have a history, and who knows where it can go from here. He is more than a piece that brought me to California with no family or friends. As for the other one, he is someone new--something new; however, not serious or am I making it a priority.

I just have to remember what I want, what I feel, and think. I have to remember my value. I will leave the rest to the Higher Power or Mother Nature.

Courtney's mother: "Those guys don't know what they're missing out on, because you're beautiful, and you're absolutely amazing. I'm not saying that only because I'm your mother, I'm saying that because you deserve someone who's going to be willing to give you everything, as you're willing to give others everything."

I hope my choice of moving out is a right one.

I am fed up with relying on anyone for rides. I have been without a ride twice this week from my roommates, and last night was the worse. Instead of receiving a call from a drunk roommate and another with a painful back, I receive a text; hence, I read the text once I am off work. No one was able to give me a ride to the other side of town; however, my manager said she can drop me off at Sean's. She did. He was not there. I kept calling for rides and ended up crying like an idiot in his open garage with a black kitty following me and keeping me company (I love cats). After Kathleen (Sean's mom) checks up on me the third time, she decides she will take me home (she was asleep and lushed when I called her).

She told me I need to get out of this place, and I agree with her. She said she will help me find a place, a job close by, and look for a car.

Frankly, if I lose contact with my "friends" from work and at home, I don't care. I have tried very hard to be patient and let it all slide--but I had enough. I don't need to deal with this.

Oh, and as for Sean--he can wait. I need to take care of myself first.

Blasphemous!

I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy the tranquility and my state of mind.

Sadly, that wears off when I feel caved in or emotionally repressed.
I cannot stay home longer than a day unless I had a well-lit room from the sun and peace-like scenery.

Being in this apartment I can feel my energy lapsing. Moreover, I am alone, and when there is company, well, I would have to say the energy or "vibe" I feed from them is negative or down. I begin to feel some repressed emotions? I thought I had it handled! Obviously, I do not; or, perhaps, I have been denying myself of emotions--then I, unexpectedly, am slapped in the face with them. I thought I came to terms with my thoughts and emotions. What more do they want from me? Truth? Okay, let's try it! I am afraid. Good. I accept. I will let it go. I am worried. Yes, yes I am! I am being vulnerable, again (I am not going to be vulnerable!).

Alternatively, do I handle them best when I go out? Therefore, I come home, with a free mind and open heart, I accept things and yes, I am happier when I come to terms with whatever it may be. On the other hand, is that the reason for my repression?

I am unsure if this makes sense.

It is troublesome creating a war between my head and heart. I fall asleep restless and light. What happened? I should not create screenplays in my head or fights with invisible people. I ought to let go, correct?

I spent a couple days with Sean and his mother. He needs help buying a car. I know he is more than capable of doing that on his own; however, the state of Rosalie's wellness is creating a burden on him. He is unsure how much longer she will live. He remarks that he is "screwed when she dies," and needs help looking for a place and buying a car. He hates asking for help. Moreover, he asked if I could do him a favor.

One day I was at his place, talking and catching up. He was bored, and said he missed me. I told him (before I left) that my mom would be sending me money that is well over $12,000.

The next day we were talking, and he asked if I could help him out. I know him well; I know it is difficult for him to ask favors. I know he is sincere when he said I am the only one he can trust.

I will be giving him money to buy a car.

I do not want any of my friends or family know about this. I do not mind if he told his family or friends what I am doing--I care less of what they think. Moreover, it is not that I care what my "friends" or family thinks- it is that I depend on them now, and I absolutely do not want questioning or talk going on behind my back. Since they are close--I cannot deal with it and I live with two of them. I already feel a strain with Kristene and Mike. I have this nagging feeling that they are pretty close to kicking me out, talking about my faults and actions, and are annoyed by me.

Therefore, what is possibly going on between my head and heart?
Well, I believe it is not my heart; it is something else that I cannot place my tiny finger on. Fear, perhaps? Insecurity? Well, let us see.
I am afraid/insecure that I am being used for money. Not my friendship. It will not be the first time he has been nice to someone to obtain some cash (from his father).
Let me say that I do not blame him or his brother being amiable toward their dad for a while. Their father left them when they were young. He played around with different women and was abusive. When their father walked back into their life, he offered them money, plenty of money, if they had him stay at their/our place for the remainder of his project. When he left, he stole their things. Sean wanted them back, and for a while, believed his father really is a good person who does love them. Therefore, he played nice. He called him, asked for his things back, oh, and let us not forget the cash. Their father did not contact them, again.
That has been the only time since I have known Sean for doing that. I believe I am in a similar position at the moment with my biological father (it's awkward saying sweet things to a man whom I had ill memories of. I do not say sweet things to him as much as he does to me. It's funny how he can say them without raising me. He possibly thinks I do not remember the things he has done to my mom.). I will be amiable towards him when he shows he does care and is sorry for not being there.

This is when I start to rationalize between my head and "heart."

1. Sean asked to be friends first before knowing about the money. He showed courtesy and amiableness towards me.
2. I know when he is being sincere.
3. I know he does not trust anyone. The years we spent together developed a trust I know is difficult for him to develop with others.
4. He has been kind and patient towards me when I had to vent or cry. He knows how to calm me.
5. I know him; and it surpasses the doubt or fear I had in the beginning.
   

Now, I know I can trust him; however, can I trust myself to the vulnerability I am opening myself to?
I believe that is the real war between my head and heart.

Want the truth?

Sean and I are in good terms, again.

It does not take away the wonder and possibilities. I am afraid of opening myself again--to him and others.

I will be honest; I have wondered and played things in my mind. I tell myself they are only desires and of rekindling the past, and that I should not take those silly thoughts of mine seriously. I am determined and fighting for my will to be single for at least a year or year and a half. I am determined to be independent and emotionally ready for a relationship, and we know that can take time. Although it seems like I have moved on and seem better off, I know I have not completely moved on, and I do not think I am better off. Things happen. We learn. We grow. I do not regret it. I learned to love the lesson with the pain.
I know that I am not at all ready for a relationship, even with Sean. I do believe things can work out-- that is, if it's meant to be.

As I tell myself the desires and reminiscence are only that, and that I should forget it, I remind myself that I need to tell myself the truth. Yes, I do want things to work out; yes, I miss him; yes, I see myself with him; and yes, we will grow old together. I learned that I have to tell myself the truth, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let it go.
It works, for the most part; and the practice gets better. Letting things go have been easier and rewarding.

So yes, I do love him, and I know I always will. If it works out, it will work out. In addition, as I have said in the past entries, if I were to go into a relationship, I want it to go somewhere--with, or without him.



On to a different topic, I received my diploma and transcript the other night! I was in tears and felt relieved. I cannot wait until spring!

I made copies for Dreux in Human Resources and I hope he can give me a position in the office.
Starting this Tuesday I work in the store. If I cannot get a position in the office, I am looking for a freight company close by.

Fear pt. II

There was a time when I believed I would be safer without love. Love seemed forced and troublesome, and I thought people who took risks for the person they loved to be in a phase. Love for another person seemed full of hardship and I did not want to take any part of it.

I believed I could not find a person whom I was attracted to in some way to love me. I thought love for me was a joke.

I was disappointed in myself for the love I had of one person. I believed I was better. I did not know how deep I was in until it was over.

There was a time when I was with him that I cannot or will not find anyone whom I felt deeply for to love me as much as he did. I believed there was no one else for me, and that he was the only person love me. I felt rejected in many ways to myself. I simply thought I was not good enough for anyone-- even him.

I realize now how silly I was to think that way. A part of me believes there is no man who can love me and spend his life with me. I know there is a part of me that closes off, and perhaps that is the reason why I do not take chances to be in a relationship and have that person be with me.

People did love me, and I went away.

I believe in universal love. This is the reason why I call myself "the hippie." It's simple. Love all. Love my surroundings; love the animals, the people--even the ones who do not want it. Just love. Always love. Hate is strong. I do not want any of that negative energy passing through me. I believe in love, energy, and knowledge. "With love comes understanding, respect, kindness, generosity, and happiness. It is a circle, what you give returns."

Love is effort. In a relationship, it takes two to make it work.
The next relationship I will be in has to go somewhere. I do not want to waste anyone's time.

I have to be careful with my defenses. I know I push others away when they come close. When I think I am being hurt or rejected, I close myself. I become emotionally detached. I have to be with a person who understands that and knows how to work around it.

There are things I have to understand, too...

I know I have to continue to grow in love with myself before I am in another relationship.

For the highest good, I am clearing all obstacles and blockages to writing my Requiem-personal story. ;)

And publish a book of my poetry.

Obstacles

I keep having this image of me in a lab coat, or doctor's coat. I am not sure if it's a fantasy. I am unsure if being a doctor or specialist in a hospital looks intriguing or if it is something I want to do.

I do want to major in neurology. Either as a neurosurgeon or neuro-radiologist, or something in that field. As for a career it is something I want for myself. I want to accomplish more than what my parents have. I want a life they did not have while living with them.

What I want to do and accomplish more is being better than they are. Is going in the medical field too far fetched? Or is it something that my heart really wants?

Yes, I want it. I have always been attracted to science and find the human body fascinating; however, is that enough for me to work for?

The obstacles:

• I do not have the money for med school; however, I can go to a community college for radiology.
• I am afraid I will not be good enough or fast enough.
• I do not have a car, therefore, going to school will be unsafe at night by myself.
  
• I am afraid I will not accomplish my goal soon enough because of the lack of time I have for school.
• If I did have a car, will I be exhausted and unable to keep up with going to school full time and work full time?
• I am by myself. I sense I do not have as much support in California.
• If I did (by some miracle) go to med school and pass, will I have a naked ring finger for the rest of my life?

For the highest good, I am clearing all obstacles and blockages to a bright future- a successful and loving future. A future in the medical and/or science field.

Fear pt. I

All week I have been feeling this resistance called fear. In the beginning, I believed I was only scared; however, it is not love that scares me, it is the fear of losing that love, again. In addition, it is the fear of being in love.

I often put a story on what and how love ought or is. Moreover, when I am in the situation of "in love" I become so frightened of it that I end it alone.

I don't want to list what I want in love or what there has to be with that person. When there is that "something" it will be difficult to describe.

It is not only intellectual; in the beginning, I thought I will only be attracted to others intellectually. I have once said that an active mind feeds the desires I hold in my mind-- I realize it is more than that. I can be intellectually stimulated and believe I am feeling a strong emotion towards that person, however, that is not the only case. There has to be something more.

Therefore, why is it that I am afraid of personal love? I love life, my friends, et cetera, but when it comes to my personal love it becomes difficult for me to handle.

Flashes of my family's past quickly overtakes my vision.
It makes sense to why I have a problem with personal love.

I am able to connect with others very well, but when I start to feel an attachment from someone (mainly, the opposite sex) I passively push them away. I start to feel something enclosing inside of me and my actions are emotionally-detached from that person. I cannot even feel bad for doing it, or for being that way to them.

Moreover, when it came to being with Sean, I was completely opened and vulnerable; however, I did what I now realize is picayune: I developed a picture in my mind. I was frightened of that being destroyed-- and I destroyed it.

I came to accept that I do love him. In the beginning I would have cursed myself for loving him; however, I have forgiven everything. I love him, and it doesn't hurt loving him. I put up a barrier to how much I can love him. I will always love him, but I will not allow myself to cross the line.

What I believe of love will be for another entry.

I came back from Miami October 5th. I cannot believe I am back. I knew how it is going to be like when I am back in California...

The week went by quickly once I arrived. I wonder why that is?

You know how it is when you're having a good time and the time or week goes by quickly? It did not for me in Miami.

Being in Miami with Jeanette and her friends made it wonderful. I had a great time. Two weeks felt longer and every day there was something new.

We went to the Metro Zoo, Vizcaya (beautiful home and gardens), had an apartment on the beach, went out at night, going to South Beach, and their surprise party for me before I left (glow stick war!).

The time there did not seem or feel short. The time there is what I needed. The time there did not have to go by quickly. I am glad it did not. I needed that time to rejuvenate myself. Find peace within myself and gain wisdom. I was happy, serene, tranquil, and in love with life.

I allowed myself to fall in love with the action of love, as I was around Jeanette and Danny. Noticing their actions toward each other swept me with love, and the acceptance that I do not need to be in love to feel love. I felt theirs-- and that is all I needed. I do not need a relationship when I see one working in love.

As I have said in a past entry,- love takes effort.
Someone once told me that falling in love is easy. I argued that is not love. It takes work. Love with your significant other is precious. Falling in love takes time. Staying in love takes effort.

Being in love with life and people around me is all I need right now. I do not need to be with someone to know that.



I did not worry over money, bills, a car, work, or pressure as I do in California. When one does not think of money or experience the pressure of others, they are happy. For instance, when my family and I did not have money, when we did not have many things, when we slept on the floor, went from place to place, stayed in the car, had very little food-- I was grateful for what I had at the time. From what I have been through when I was very young taught me to appreciate the things I had, and not worry about what I did not have. Money does not create happiness. A currency that is involved in our life.

"There are times of stress, but sometimes you forget you're poor-- even when you don't have money-- and you start to think you're rich." - Melody Beattie


This is how it was like for those two weeks.


Now, I experienced my first week back in California, renewed. The week went by quickly, and everyday was the same. The thing that was mainly on my mind this week was money. I will be broke after I pay the rent, buy food, and pay my final payment for my school.

Although I have been slightly stressed (I have been using what I learned and read while I was in Miami to help me go through the day), I have been somewhat calm. I read and meditated once I arrive home from work. I turn off my phone, grab my iPod and put on my Feng Shui: Music for balanced living on. I start to read, write, and by the time I was done, I laid down and closed my eyes, and listened to the music. It is the closest to serenity I can achieve. It is the closet I can get, as if I was in Miami.

Morever, I am back. I am being impeccable with my word, although I do not speak much or at all here. I am telling myself not to take things personally (I remind myself of this anytime an unwanted emotion strikes me, and it happens a lot). I do not make assumptions. Above all, I am trying my best.

Am I just making this up?

I took the time to think about what compels me. They are:

• Music & writing: Singing, writing, song-writing, performing, dancing, composing, etc.
• Art & photography.
• Dance.
• Learning about the human body, especially the brain.
  
• Seeing people in lab coats mixing chemicals, testing (no animal testing!), and solving the purpose or defect and how or why it works they way it does.

Art and science compels me.

The arts have always compelled me and stirred something inside of me. I am in a zone of unlimited creativity and fresh air. This is the time I feel the world at peace. My mind at ease and my soul open to life and void. I tell life and void to "come hither."

Science-- especially chemistry, biology, and physical science-- intellectually stimulates me. I get a "high" from it. I have always enjoyed it, and I remember coming home from school and someone asks me how was my day or what did I learn. What I learned in science is usually the topic of my day, and I enjoy telling it and making my own theories or whatnot.


What have I done with them, so far?
As for the arts: I still write poetry. I still sing, although my voice is not to par as it was when I had lessons. The flow in my "dance" is emerging from many years I have buried it. I do not write songs, anymore; I started playing the guitar after not playing for two years. I'm playing the violin, again. I'm starting to feel inspired to take pictures as I used to. I have not performed in years.

As for science: I always had a talent in science. In addition, I have been to the Body World Exhibit (I love it) over the summer. My friend bought me the Gray's Anatomy book by Henry Gray. I watch the science channel, especially when it is about the brain and nervous system. I read up on it as often as I can. I was looking into neurosurgery-- too pricey, and I need a lot of time to engross myself into it. I am interested in neuro-radiology, and that is where I am now.


Three steps to make my "passion" central in my life:

1. Make some type of "art" a habit everyday.
2. Study the brain and nervous system.
3. Have "science" become my major in college; in addition, be involved in a "creative" club or class (therefore, I will be surrounded by like-minded people).
   

Passion: medical field? or art?

As I read these self-help and spiritual books--, I am starting to second-guess the career I ought to take.

Am I passionate enough? Do I have what it takes and energy and love for neurology?

It intrigues me. I do not tire from learning; however, will that make me happy? Will that fulfill my spirit? Am I passionate, enough? God, if it is-- work it.

When I was younger, the thing that set me free and blissful was music and dance. I have a gift for poetry. Is this what I ought to do, instead? Yes, I can go to college for these, however, how stable is it? Moreover, will it provide enough for me? My (future) family? Bills? etc. It does not seem stable to me.

Therefore, am I pushing myself to feel passionate about something else? If or when I go into the medical field, I want to be happy. I know it will provide. Is that the reason why it drives me or intrigues me? God, if this is what you want me to do, you're going to have to make it happen.

I have to believe. Something has to happen to make me believe the medical field is the right path. God, I need a sign.

Fourth Agreement. Soul Surviving Kit.

Fourth Agreement: Always try your best.



++++++++++++++++++++


The things and people who comforts my soul, and reminds me what it is and who it wants to be:

Jeanette. My "soul" sister.

Imagining I am in Washington state, again. A clear blue sky with a few clouds, open field, and slight breeze. I walk in my dream up the hill towards a creek. Across from me are houses. As I look back, the house I came from is smaller. I smile and feel the breeze. The sun. Listen to the birds and slight noises around me.

At Palos Verdes. On a hill or rock-- over looking the ocean. Listening to the waves. Feeling the air. I am connected, again.

A new one: in my room, meditating.

Writing; or, writing or reading poetry. Books.

In a bookstore. I love getting lost in there. I feel myself open. I feel like a blissful child.

My stuff animal- Minnie Mouse.

Feeling the sun on my face as I close my eyes. I feel connected.

Music. It reminds me of emotions or debacles. Allows me to cry and heal. Allows me to be inspired and strong.

Dance and dancing.







These are my connections.

Third Agreement: Don't make assumptions.


Sounds easy; however, understanding the importance is not enough. The information or importance is merely a seed in your mind. It is the action that nurtures it.

Taking the action over and over again will strengthen the will.

Ask questions. Be clear with one another. Be impeccable with your word.
Use words for "giving, sharing, and loving."

If someone accepts or loves you the way you are, take them. If not, tell them to find someone else.

Second Agreement: Don't take things personally.



Agreement one: Be impeccable with your words. Words has an affect on others. Do not bring others down; it will just go back to you and bring you in a hell that is not worth living.

Don't take things personally. What others say- good or bad-- don't take it personally. It's their issues they are dealing with. Be content with yourself. Be happy with yourself. Accept how others are and you will be immune to the hell and poison around. Love yourself and you will create peace within.


Don't take things personally.

"Be impeccable with your word."


I have been in Miami for a week and a half and it is the best decision I have made in a long time. I am completely happy and at ease. I am finding my strength and learning to be impeccable with my words. I have bought books that remind me who I am and what I can do.

I love Miami. I love my friend and new friends, here. It is the best thing I have done, and I do not regret anything, anymore.

I will be sad to leave, however, I will leave better and peacefully.

I cannot express how amazing these people are. Jeanette and Danny are perhaps the best people I have in my life. They are the best. They are amazing. I am grateful.

Other news: I graduated! I am so excited for college. I will do what I can to be the best neuro radiologist or more. I am going to college, and I will not let anything get in my way this time.

Be impeccable with your words.

As for relationships: I will not settle for being less than what someone wants or more.

Loss. Hopelessness. God.

I am going to Miami, tonight.
I have to get away.



For a couple of days, I thought I was over it. I thought I accepted it; however, I know better. Deep inside I know I have not accepted it...

That he wants to be with someone else.

I did not know what heartbreak was until a month ago. I thought it was picayune. I thought I was better than this.

I realized in my anger to God and whatever His plan is for me is that I lose things, only to lose more.
I pray. I pray for inner peace. I need that more than anything right now.



I have one choice: let him go. I know he wants to be with someone else.

I believe I have done things wrong in the eyes of God, and in my pathetic victimization, I am punished.

I want to love again; however, I do not see that happening. I am scared. I don't know if I can allow myself to be in love.
They say that there are three loves in your life, and each one feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces. I know I am not emotionally ready for a relationship. Sean moved on, and the realization of that has me losing control. I felt my heart beating faster, I heard it beating, I was shaking all over, and I felt out of control. Everything reminds me of him. I know he does not love me. I know he can get whomever he wants. I thought for a while he was better than I was. I am a young love to him; a young love that he can move on from. I am nothing more. I am not the woman he wants or more. I am not the one that can smile and make his day.

I cannot see myself with anyone. I just want my life to be better than this. Everyone wants his or her life better than it is.

In my anger and questioning God, a plethora of memories flooded my eyes.
Abuse. Drugs. Alcohol. Violence.
When my mother told me that I would not be living with her anymore-- I will be going to an orphanage (this was around my tenth birthday). When I saw my biological father (whom recently contacted me-- It was awkward, but will be for another entry) come after my mom with a knife, when he had a gun pointing at someone (no more than the age of four). My stepfather's abuse with drugs and the affects it had on the family. I saw him slice his arm. Never staying in one place for more than five months. Sleeping in cars, going from motel to motel. Eating little. Saying little. Being evicted. Dropping out of high school, in the middle of sophomore year. Losing all our provisions in the storage- more than once. Watching my brother hiding from the violence.
Hence, by the time I turned 18, my mother called me while I was in California, visiting, telling me to find a job because I won't be living with them, anymore.

That is when my life changed. I thought I would not have to deal with my parent's drama.
Therefore, I thought I was free. I thought I was able to handle things, especially heartbreak.

However, of all the things I have been through with my parents, experiencing heartbreak is the worse of all. I thought I was better. I thought I would not hurt so much. Now, I feel for those who have been through it, and I am sorry for not understanding enough how it feels and what it does to you. I realize that love is more than we think it is.

"I lose things, only to lose more; what do you want from me, God? What have I done wrong? Why does a person have to go through so much and fall to an abyss? What is it that you have planned for me? --Because with all the things I have been through-- I have only loss." Those exact words came out of my mouth and replays in my head over, and over again.

I had plans for myself. Throughout my 20 years, I have listened to people, and kept my mouth shut. I never listened to myself and did what I want. Now, I have one thing that I can control, and that is what I do or how I graduate and go to school. I want to do it my way for once-- to make up for all the things that did not go as I planned. When I was young, I had an abundance of faith, and believed that all of it happened for a reason. Presently, it does not ring true. All of my life, I believed it would turn out better. "But, for how much longer, God?" I asked, hopeless and lonely. How much, longer? I do not want to be submissive, anymore. Waiting. I am tired of it.

In church, they say that we should not interfere with God's plan. I am tired of waiting- but wait-- since He has a "plan" for everyone does that mean everything we do or say is part of His plan? This is when I start to think I have done a plethora of wrong in His eyes. If I had done so many disdainful things in His eyes, is this my consequence? To go through heartache? Therefore, did I interfere with His plans? "What did I do wrong?"

I am independent and I have goals. I know what I want. I don't need a relationship. I would not mind being in someone's arms, but I don't need it.

What I need most is inner peace.

I am going through the seasons.



I want this season to pass.

I have to tell myself that Sean does not have time to miss me. There can be another person on his mind. That he does not feel the same for me anymore.

I tell myself that I have to deny my love for him. I tell myself to forget or let it go. Move on.

It is simple to fall in love; however, it takes effort to be in love. Love becomes a choice when one has been involved in a relationship with the person.

I can choose to love Sean. In actuality, I do chose to love him; however, the rational part of me tells me to let go of my love for him. Just let go.

This has been uncomfortable and emotional. I have been depressed since it happened. I have been angry, and I am being hard on myself. I know I was not the only one who led to this. I know that. I am wrapping myself in guilt and it is unpleasant. I am what I make it. Therefore, I am trying all that I can to move forward from this.

I know that I can love again, if I allow my heart and mind too. I just don't know at this time. I don't know. I am unsure if I have the capability to allow love in an intimate way again.

Perhaps, I need to choose not to love him the way I do.

Here I am, four in the morning. What am I doing up so late/early?

I'll cut down to it; we broke up, again. It frustrated me, angered me, and I believe I am extremely miserable. Life felt mundane and worthless. I realize I did not understand the heartbreak of love. In candor, I thought it was picayune; annoying. Loved songs made me uncomfortable. Anyone that is around me that is "touchy-feely" made me feel uncomfortable. Or perhaps, I was afraid of the idea of being in love, did not understand it, and leading to the unreasonable discomfort of heartbreak.

I was never mean to anyone who went through it. I sympathized because I knew they were hurting, but I did not understand just how much it hurts. I didn't understand until Sean broke up with me.

I came to this after speaking to my biological father for the first time in 12 years, but technically 16 years. The reason? It stemmed from my realizing that I did not have a father figure or a connection as a "daddy's girl" with anyone. My step father was an alcoholic, drug addict, and violent, my biological father suicidal (however, loving towards me), and Sean-- well, he's different.

Henceforth, they are the closest men in my life.

Sean had a way of letting me feel that. The nurture, the love, and the protection; however, after the first year of living together, our love-- my love changed. I declined his hugs when I was upset with him or wanted to be alone. His time for me seemed to have dimmed. The way he felt about me felt different before then they did when we lived together. Let me say-- we loved eachother; and when we showed we loved eachother, it was great.

My relationship with him will be something I will remember. I want things to work out, still. I want to be with. I want to spend my life with him. However, I do not know where his heart is. Perhaps we got together too quickly?

I realize now just how much I love and want to be with him.

Things have been so stressful, my hair is literally falling out in chunks. I believe his break up with me is partly my fault.

Since the breakup, a plethora of things were getting to me. I felt pressured and insecure. I seemed to be taking too long to achieve my high school diploma, or I was stupid or stubborn to take the GED or the one-day course. This pressure came from everyone from my closest friend to my boss' boss. I was feeling overwhelmed. I applied for jobs and schools, and I either was declined or offered nothing.

I have not been sleeping well, and I wasn't sleeping well enough after the break up because I would get three hours of sleep, wake up at 3:30am, work out, sometimes skip breakfast- and it got to the point when I pulled all-nighters to work. All the stress and lack of rest sent my body into a disabled state causing me to go home from work and miss work a couple of days. I have not worked out since then or ate as healthy (I still eat healthy, just not as much).

I get five hours of sleep now. I've been driving in the streets. I'm on my last set of books for my high school diploma, and I'm still in corporate.

I'm going to Miami for two weeks. Originally, I wanted to go to a place where I did not know anyone or they knew me. I wanted to be alone and far away. I wanted to go near a beach and just lay there and read.

A few days later at work I was going through the mail, and something popped up: MIAMI. My friend, whom I have not seen in almost five years, lives there. I immediately called her when I had the chance and left a message. She called back, ecstatic. I booked my flight the next day (after speaking to my boss).

I will be leaving on the 20th. of this month, and will return October 5th.

This is for Sean. This is to get away.

I had (have) the suspicion that he wants to be with someone else.

By the time I'm back, I don't want to be confused. I don't want my heart and head to be messed with. I want to accept it if it's true. I want my strength back.

Until then.

In All

I did break up with Sean, and it was difficult. I broke up with him on April 22, and my friend and her husband moved me in to their new place in Culver City the next day.
I was angry and forlorn.

A month has passed; I was working in the store and I remembered Kristene and Mike were out of town. I needed a ride home. The only person left to call was Mark (at this time, I have not spoken directly to or with him over a year ago; we only text and messaged each other, and I realized as others were upset, that he was talking to me and not them, I didn't speak to him for months).

The reason I decided to text him that night is that he lived in Culver City. He missed my call, but by luck, one of my coworkers, Matt, called me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with them. I said yes.

As they were driving me home, Matt said the area I lived in looked familiar, and he thinks Mark lives here. He dropped me off, and I text Mark, "Where in Culver City do you live?" He replied, and to my surprise, he did live here. We lived in the same complex.

In all, we started talking and hanging out. We did not judge each other, and that felt safe.

I always admired him for his mind. He admired mine.

I became independent and happy. I started to pay off my homeschool, I was working in the store and corporate office- so much was going for me. Mark had a lot to do with it.
He helped me develop into a woman I want to be. My faith in life, love, and God grew again.
Although we became close, my heart remained with someone. I already knew Sean had it. I wanted to be fair to Mark, and I made it clear we are going to be nothing more, because it will be unfair to him.

I borrowed his guitar a few days after we started talking. I had lessons from him, and we went out, a lot. He is teaching me how to drive (I passed the written test). We go to museums, art galleries, and last month we saw an orchestra.

By that time, Sean and I were together, again.

I thought Mark would not speak to me or thought he will be cold towards me...
Our friendship stayed the same.

Sean and I got back together in the end of July. I told him since we broke up that I am willing to give it a chance, just at the right time. He wanted to a month later after the break up.

Sean was depressed. He said, "You don't start to appreciate something until it's lost."
He started regretting many things, and so have I. We could have handled it better; however, I believe the break up was for the best. He is careful now and understanding. I am patient now and kind.

I prayed for him every night. I still do. I pray that he will be humbled. I pray for us as individuals, also as a couple.

He wants me to move in with him; I told him no. We will not until we have a car and a new place. He wants to get married, and I told him we should get married when it is right with us, and steady. We can be engaged, but I warned him we should not be if it is his quick way to have me stay with him. I told him it has to be right, and slowing down is not a bad idea.

I can say I am doing much better. I'm happy, I'm socializing, I'm going back to my roots: music and writing; at least, I'm attempting to. I don't want to force myself and write or do anything without meaning and significance. I want it real.

I'm exercising regularly and eating well. My days off are filled with priorities and things to do and learn. 

I do not want a relationship at the moment; not with anyone. Only friends, no benefits, and independence. Once I feel and know I am ready to be in one, I will.

However, I love Sean, and I believe I always will. No one will replace his spot; not in the way he did. I pray for him every night because I sincerely wish things will work out for him. I pray that he will be humbled. I pray for us. I don't know if we will be together soon, but I hope we will. I hope he will open more to me. I am taking it one day at a time. I am being patient and understanding. I hope he knows that I still love and want to be with him. I am just growing more and recognizing my strengths and weaknesses. 

Our time apart is what I need. It is what he needs.

Aside from that, things are great!

If it wasn't for my friends, I would be lost right now.

I realized how important they are to me, and I realized just how much I love and miss my family.

Patience

It has been a month since I moved from Sean's. It has been difficult and I felt used; until recently I started to accept we are not together, and through it I am more independent than I thought. For a while I built a barrier and isolated myself as often as possible. Friends said I was not myself and I thought, "how would they know?" They don't know. They are familiar to one side and could not believe the other. 

I felt dirty because I allowed myself to be tempted into his touch. His kiss. It did not happen once. It happened three times. 

I want it to work out; however, I don't want to work it out through that. I don't want to be attached to strings.

There are a few things that helps me take my mind off him or my emotional wonder. For one, doing new (exciting) things. Second, creating independence; and third a friend whom talks to me in a non-pitiful way. It seems like I am betraying Sean although I know I am not because we are not together. He says he wants to be with me but does not want the label. 

In other news, I have my permit! I passed the test almost a month ago and I practiced three times since then. Kristene and Mike have been busy with their new puppy and for a while things seemed a little awkward or tense with the three of us. That passed! 

Last week my home school allowed me to take over the payments. I paid $500 and $1000 is the due. It has been difficult for them to contact my parents and it is either they go in to collection again or I pay for it. I am happy I handle it. I'm close to getting my high school diploma! 

It was around then when my dependency on Sean started to fade. I realized I am capable of things I thought I could not handle. I achieved more in one month, therefore becoming clear to me that I just need to work on myself now, and not "us." If we were to work on "us" it will happen. 

I did say this life that has finally come out of me came from the time when I started to handle things on my own... in the back of my mind, it happened the moment we spoke to each other, after a tiring and faithless day I had. It is the last thing I listed of gaining serenity and grace. I felt happy.

I spend more time talking to him now. He is letting me borrow his guitar and teaching me a few songs. So, it scares me... because I still love Sean. 

It is happening.

I ended it with Sean two weeks ago. It is the longest two weeks I have experienced.

I ended it, unexpectedly. All I wanted were five minutes, before I impulsively said "it's over." He did not expect it; I surprised myself when the words came out. Perhaps others saw it coming. I did not believe I did it.

Two weeks ago I moved in with Kristene and Mike...

I emailed a friend about it. I think it is easier if I copy and paste it, here.


"I broke up with him a few days ago. I'm living with my friend and her husband for right now. I don't know if I'm moving out; Sean hasn't answered that.

I prayed for things to work out and I am pathetically doing that, still. I love him. I want him to want me back as much as I want him..."


"I don't know. Perhaps it is only me... perhaps I made a mistake. What if he never wants me back? What if he does not want to be with me? I only imagine myself marrying him; no one else.

I felt alone. I felt that he did not spend time with me. I felt silly, unintelligent, and uninteresting to him.

I know he is always working... it's just when he works I feel like the love and commitment he showed to me in the beginning is gone.

I've been going to church and trying to sort my feelings out and I prayed he will work things out with me, too. Not only that, so many things were stressing me out.

It seems to be my fault. I hope I did not ruin things as bad as I think I have."


"I told him I want to be with him. I told him I still love him. I told him I want to work it out. I told him if he wants to work it out I will not move out. I told him if he does not want too work things out- I will move out, for him. I will do it for him.

He says I am the one who said it was over. He said that if we did I will move to Texas with my family. I have not told my mom. I don't want too. I told him I did not call and I do not want to talk to them because I want to stay in California because of him. He told me I don't have to move all my things out at once.

... I came by to pick up more clothing and hoping he will talk to me... I wanted to talk to him and tell him how I felt, and tell him what I thought and that I want us to work things out. I don't think I made it clear enough for him to realised I am ashamed with myself to end it this way.

Then I remembered him telling me that (After I asked him, "Will you want me back if we ever broke up?" "Will you want to be friends?") he would like to be friends because we are close, and he told me he would want to go back together because he loves me. This happened a year or a year-and-a-half ago.

So, I texted him.... "Can we at least start over? Friends, maybe?" He replied, "Friends is fine. Good night." Is that a start?

I am afraid of getting my hopes up. I am afraid of hurting more than I am now.

... I am afraid of hoping and having faith in us. I am afraid of his rejection. I am afraid he does not remember what he says; or if he does, I am more afraid he will not feel the same...

Am I going to fast? Should I stop telling him all this? am I making it harder for him? Should I stop calling and texting him? .... I ruined something that made my world great. I don't know if I did the same for him. I am afraid of asking. I don't think he will answer."


"It is difficult to speak with anyone, honestly. This is the first time in a week I have to myself, therefore I can talk to anyone... However, there is no one to talk to. I don't know what to talk about... I don't want to burden anyone with my problems...

... My friends (whom I'm staying with) are leaving town in a couple weeks for a few days. I texted him last night and asked if it will be ok if I can stay there for a while, and I will buy a sleeping bag.

I don't want to be by myself here for three days; and I would have to ask those days off if I am here, alone. I'm afraid of thinking about staying in a place I'm not familiar with, yet. If I do spend the night there at his place, I will work, to make it easier on him..."



"He knows I miss him. I tell him every night. At least he's talking to me, now. Not much, but it's a start.

He said it will be awkward if I slept in the same bed. I moved most of my things out yesterday. I cannot believe this is happening. I'm homesick.
He said he doesn't want a relationship or deal with emotions. He said he just wants to work, eat, and sleep. He said he just wants to make money and not deal with anything else.

I hope things work out. He said he still cares. There's things he needs to work on, as in making an effort to show how much he loves me or cares; or by doing simple things like stopping by to see me, or calling me just to say hi and see what I'm doing, etc. There's things I need to work on like my temper and patience. I need to be graceful, again. When I was, he did show he loved me or cared.

Now, I'm thinking of all the wonderful times we had when it was just me and him in Vegas and when I moved to California. I don't know why it happened, but I have an idea how it happened.
He lost his job, so I supported him and helped him with rent and all. Then he started working and he was doing great. I saw him less. I spent time with him less. That's how it started. I realised I didn't show as much support as I ought have. I complained and felt alone. I needed him when I was stressed. I needed him for everything.

That is when our fights were the worse."



"Things are better. We talked yesterday and he said he misses me and still loves me. He said we'll be together once he feels settled enough to buy or rent a new place..."



"Sean and I hung out yesterday for two hours. We agree that you don't appreciate something until it's gone, and it seems like we are extra careful, loving, and appreciative to each other... I love him more and clearly, now.

We will move back together once things are settled with his brother. I was told he needs to calm down. Also, once I graduate and work full time we'll be together, soon."



Whatever "soon" means.

I'm writing this because I'm upset:

I want a break up. I want someone who is kind, intelligent, observant, and a best friend.
When I think he cannot trust me, I am insecure. (He is intelligent and observant. He is kind. I realize that, now.)

Over the last year I wrote the reasons why I cannot or do not want a break up.

I just feel so alone with him. I want to be with him. I have become vulnerable and I dislike it; it reminds me of my mother.
I wish things were better. I pray for us to work out. I want them to. I want him to try.

He just seems uninterested. I wish he were not. If I say, I'm unhappy or whatnot he believes it is a phase and I will or ought to get over it if I went away. However, going away will not help things. It will not solve anything.

When I was at church the other day, I saw couples holding each other, glancing at one another, squeezing their significant other's hand.
I want that. I have wanted that.

It has been over a year and it seems hopeless, now. I am praying there is hope. I pray for us more throughout the day when I am not with him, when I'm mad, upset, or happy. I pray for us before I go to bed and sadly and pathetically repeat it.

All my things in the storage are gone.
My parents continue moving.
My parents refuse to pay my school.
They are (I am) in Collection, again.
My work wants to give me a promotion once I have my high school diploma.
I love the beach.
I feel independent here.
I have freedom here.
Nonetheless, I am happy here.

Moreover, there is only one reason I want to leave California; it is the same reason I want to stay...

I have thoughts I feel guilty of. These thoughts fill a void I wish were faithful. I am faithful; however, my thoughts clearly are not. I want to imagine someone here to listen, support, and encourage me to keep fighting. I thought I had a best friend, but this friend seems more like a roommate; not even a friend, not even like a coworker.

I am closer to people at work than I am at home.
What is wrong with me? What is my problem?

I am not married. Why do I feel like it? Why do I fight for us as if we were married? Why do I keep doing this? Why can I not just go? Why do I not have the strength to go? Why am I like my mother?

This is the weakness I loath. I never wanted to be vulnerable. I found out I am. I do not want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the weakness I want at bay.

So, why am I here? Why do I live here?

As I say or think that, in the back of my mind all the reasons come up. So, why do I say it? I don't want to input the reasons. I have done it a plethora of times.

I want this clutch off.

I am praying. I love. I forgive. I stay.

Yesterday at church, the pastor said to remember these twelve words: 1. I was wrong, 2. I am sorry, 3. Please forgive me, and 4. I love you.

The storage in Vegas sold our provisions, again. It is the third and last storage, and it had my most valuable possessions. All my notebooks, books, my poetry from my younger years, my art, my sketches, photographs, and guitar are now gone. I thought losing my things in the storage, in California, when I was twelve was upsetting.

The one thing that upsets me most is the lies. I cannot comprehend the anger and hurt I felt on the phone; I ought to be used to this. I cannot believe that after all the years of going through things more than once results in nothing learned.

I dislike that they would not allow me to know or do anything to help. I know better than to hand our things to someone else.

This is perhaps the reason why I have trust issues.

the moonlight shines and the sun becomes a glittering daylight

I know I have said that things with Sean and me have been better.
It was only a great, and short time, until I kept thinking about leaving.

I have thought of leaving plenty of times last year, and my excuses were: "my parents does not have a place of their own," "I don't have a familiar room to go to," "they can't stay in one place," "I will have nothing with them," "they are always moving and have financial problems," "I know I am well off here. I have more going for me here. I can't leave the opportunities that are ahead of me," "I can't live on my own or find a roommate; I don't have a car, I make minimum wage, who will accept, that?" "my friends moved farther from my job; I can't live with them."

I love him, too much. I gave myself to him and I will admit that has made me emotionally attached and it is more than I want it to be. He is my first. We have been together for three years, and lived together for two. I can imagine myself only pushing away and be emotionally detached from others if I did end it with him.

I do not want to complain. I do not want to say I deserve better- although, in the back of my mind I believe it. No, I do not deserve any man. A woman can have a man when she does not need one. Therefore, if I end it, I do not want to have a relationship aside from friendship, my parents and brother. I ought to focus on my future and me.

I don't know how to speak of things or describe moments that I realize I cannot do this anymore.

I want him to respect me, and not treat me as I am his brother or mother. I want him to be kind to me, encouraging, understanding, open, and not treat me as if I am no better than he is. Anything I say seems insignificant or silly. I started to believe that is true. I spoke to him of these; however, nothing has changed. I have told him I wanted to leave, and he does not seem to care.

He promised for my birthday he would call my school, speak with them, and persuade them for him to pay off my parent's debt. Well, he bought me things instead and if I had known it was between school and things at the mall, I would not have had him buy me anything.

I lost my trust in him when we were on a break in 2005. He did not listen to me when I told him not to be around that girl whom he knew wanted us to break up. He spent time with her and did not tell me about it months later. I figured I could not trust him to keep his mouth shut after he spoke with my mom about her family.
He has made promises to me, he does not keep them, and it was not until my birthday that killed our relationship, or rather, my trust and faith.


I went to church these past two Sundays with Kristene, and for embarrassing reasons, I held back tears.

Miracles.

In the beginning of the year, Sean asked me if it was all right if he buys a Nile Monitor. I thought and researched them and decided it is not a good idea. Considering their size once they are adults and the time and patience one has to give we need to have a larger environment. However, a few days later he came home with one.

A month and a half later, I realized this little person made things much better and is one of, or the best thing, that has happened to us for the last two years Sean and I lived together.

I am fascinated and intrigued by these lizards. I love him so much.
His name is Zero and he is an Ornate Nile Monitor because of his five ocellis (rows between his shoulders and hip), his pink tongue, squared skull, and the slight coloration on his neck. In captivity, they can grow up to four or five feet; in the wild they can be six or seven feet. They are recognized for their muscular built when they are adults.

Original Nile Monitors can be slightly longer than the Ornate. They will have six or seven rows of ocellis, a narrow skull, and will not be as heavy as an ornate.

Despite the misconception of nile monitors being aggressive the correct term for them is defensive. They are nervous, shy, intelligent, curious, and will stand their ground, when cornered or feel threatened. It can take weeks or months for them to trust or tolerate you.

Sean is amazing and patient with him. Sean is able to hold him with his bare hands when Zero is calm. There has been a few times when he runs loose and frightens Sean because he is afraid of him getting hurt. If anything, do not scare them by running after them or being frantic. They will only hurt themselves.

The publics' feelings towards reptiles are unfortunately uneasy. I admit I was uneasy at first; however, Zero has changed that for me. I recently held him and I was pathetically emotional over it.

Sean took the above picture with his phone. Nile monitors love the water. He is a little over a foot long. He is the one thing I look forward to when I come home.


Aside from all this, I have been working, eating healthy, exercising, and finally reading.

On that note, I recently finished The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck. It is a great book and I suggest anyone to read it. I will say it had me realize a plethora of things, and gladly work things out with Sean, and myself and those around me.

The unfortunate thing is that I have been unmotivated to finish my schoolwork. I am not going to give any excuses; it is entirely my fault for avoiding it. I thought it was not worth it and I felt extremely lonesome and ashamed for many things...

Although, there have been small things that have given a little kick: Reading, thinking, my solitude, etc...

The one that had me realize how fortunate I am is working in the corporate office for two and a half weeks, filling in.I realized I can do things better than I thought. It helped that my supervisor and his supervisor and others begged me to finish school because they noticed all the help I have done for Big 5 for almost two years.
Now I am going back to the store.

If I had not made this clear, Sean and I have been working things out. It does take effort, discipline, and thought for love. Therefore, I am starting to look at things much better and clearer.

I think that since Sean came home on that rainy day, with a lizard in a brown bag and its aquarium and essentials, things have been looking up for him and me. Cheesy as I may sound, it is a miracle.