"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." - Lynn Hall Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989
If this is true then, I clearly haven't grown up at all. I think I just became more confusing as this year is about to end...
At the end of every year, I usually think of how the past year affected me, shaped me, ripped me, and how much closer I am to my "character". I don't know what to say of when my "changing" began, but I can pretty much point out how it started in the first place...
It was the end of last year, and I was becoming a complete mess and getting myself involved into things just to "escape" from the mundane reality that I loathed so much. I was fed up with just everything and just started acting completely out-of character... at least, that's what I thought. The new year began, and all I could think of was that crave in my mind and the quick motion of my head cocking back and feeling a gust of wind lift me when I know I'm firmly planted on the counter or chair. My friends knew what I was getting in to, but whatever.
I seem to let myself go more easily, and having my vulnerability take the best of me along with insecurities. I just basically put my guard down, and started being a teenager who goes through the "normal" stuff. Ugh, I hate that. I thought I was better than letting myself get the best of me. I blame myself for the weak and frail I am. I blame myself for pushing people away and victimizing more than I should.
William James once wrote, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind," that I can agree with, to some extent. I think that you can "change your mental attitude of mind" but that wouldn't mean your life will change. Yeah, I know it takes time for it to be completely "life changing" but come on- how easily could that happen? Oh wait- nothing is easy!
There's an example. I'm cynical more than I ever was last year. I was sarcastic but now it just completely turned into cynicism. I never was like this; I was happier, I was more care-free and now I'm this closet of anxiety. I tend to tell myself that this will pass, this phase or whatever you call it I'm in. It will just go away and I will go back to the way I was, and be that person people loved to be around, and be the person that some fell in love with.
I don't know, maybe I am really this way now...
But there are good things that has happened: Sean. Is that all? Well to think about it, he kept me sane throughout everything. The only time I will really laugh is when I'm with him. He's the only one who I didn't push away, and even when I did, he never left. Oh, I've pushed so many people away...
Just because my mind set has changed, the environment still remained the same. The only thing is, is that I let it get too me. I seriously think I have some anger issues, but I've never done any damage, physically. I have this attitude that I keep getting reminded of, that I have no idea about. Now, after over six months, I'm starting to realize it.
Who is this monster I have made? What have I done wrong along this? Where have I been and why have I been so vulnerable? How could I have been so stupid?
I probably should make a new year's resolution, but I don't know if I could keep it.
At the end of every year, I usually think of how the past year affected me, shaped me, ripped me, and how much closer I am to my "character". I don't know what to say of when my "changing" began, but I can pretty much point out how it started in the first place...
It was the end of last year, and I was becoming a complete mess and getting myself involved into things just to "escape" from the mundane reality that I loathed so much. I was fed up with just everything and just started acting completely out-of character... at least, that's what I thought. The new year began, and all I could think of was that crave in my mind and the quick motion of my head cocking back and feeling a gust of wind lift me when I know I'm firmly planted on the counter or chair. My friends knew what I was getting in to, but whatever.
I seem to let myself go more easily, and having my vulnerability take the best of me along with insecurities. I just basically put my guard down, and started being a teenager who goes through the "normal" stuff. Ugh, I hate that. I thought I was better than letting myself get the best of me. I blame myself for the weak and frail I am. I blame myself for pushing people away and victimizing more than I should.
William James once wrote, "The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind," that I can agree with, to some extent. I think that you can "change your mental attitude of mind" but that wouldn't mean your life will change. Yeah, I know it takes time for it to be completely "life changing" but come on- how easily could that happen? Oh wait- nothing is easy!
There's an example. I'm cynical more than I ever was last year. I was sarcastic but now it just completely turned into cynicism. I never was like this; I was happier, I was more care-free and now I'm this closet of anxiety. I tend to tell myself that this will pass, this phase or whatever you call it I'm in. It will just go away and I will go back to the way I was, and be that person people loved to be around, and be the person that some fell in love with.
I don't know, maybe I am really this way now...
But there are good things that has happened: Sean. Is that all? Well to think about it, he kept me sane throughout everything. The only time I will really laugh is when I'm with him. He's the only one who I didn't push away, and even when I did, he never left. Oh, I've pushed so many people away...
Just because my mind set has changed, the environment still remained the same. The only thing is, is that I let it get too me. I seriously think I have some anger issues, but I've never done any damage, physically. I have this attitude that I keep getting reminded of, that I have no idea about. Now, after over six months, I'm starting to realize it.
Who is this monster I have made? What have I done wrong along this? Where have I been and why have I been so vulnerable? How could I have been so stupid?
I probably should make a new year's resolution, but I don't know if I could keep it.
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