Jonica Llora

http://olivertovar.es/vzejfjv/clhr.php

Where have they gone?

Where have the weeks gone? I have one more exam and quiz until finals, and I just feel so inadequate about passing.

I put in so many hours studying, reviewing, and using creative means to make everything I'm consuming click. Unfortunately, it's not working out the way I want it. If I do not get a "B" in this class, then physiology and microbiology MUST be an "A."

I really don't know how I can get through this. I'm so discouraged and tired.

Sometimes, I question whether or not I'm wasting my time doing this. However, I understand this can be stretching me (among other things) or preparing me for something else.

Lately, amidst my frustration, discouragement or fatigue, I've been exclaiming, "why do I have a life?" or, "is this seriously what I'm meant to do as a career?"

Sometimes, I don't even know when to stop until I am absolutely burnt out.

Among everything else going on, school has been the only outlet for me to forget things... However, with me not doing as well as I should in school, I don't even know where to go now. I'm just a walking stick ready to bend and break.

How can it be?

How can one be sad on such a beautiful day? How can one look out the window and see what an amazing day the Lord has made, see that it is a reason to rejoice and be glad? Why can a heart see and know these things, be grateful for them, but still the tears flow from it? There's a stream of water filled with hope, dreams, and even tears of sadness. There's a love that flows with singing. And I stand by the stream and gaze into an empty reflection. 

Experienced? or not experienced?

I can look pass my folded mountain of laundry, pass my empty cup of coffee at midnight, and carelessly look about the books among me. 

I can pretend I am not an adult, not in college, or I can pretend I am inexperienced. But I'm far from being "experienced," because I continue to grow--that is, if I want to grow, and if I'm willing to grow. 

Words cannot really express my complexity, nor can I express even my inane ramblings. 

From the inside-out I continue "experiencing." But I cannot do it by my own strength.

Words of a quiet girl cannot satisfy my attempt to muse deeply into an (and to this point, a degree of an) experienced adult. 

*sighs*

Whisper-less tongues

Sometimes, I look through lens and wonder, "what is it I'm seeing?"

There's little depth I see in many places and people. I search for the heart, especially after a certain message. However, there is none engaged.

I'm alone in the pews... Wondering, "what is really the condition of my heart, and why does it bother me to see others who aren't concerned of their own?" maybe it is that I am concerned of the condition of mine, because I know there is bitterness within the depth of my soul.

I'm alone in the pews at the end... With the spotlight hugging the breathing and living skin of mine, who is just yearning for eternity in heaven soon.

There's a time, in-between.

A calm waiting, so I can breathe.

Promise.

Back in LA...

Surrounded by so many, and feeling lonely, already.

Finally

So glad you came. Now, I'll learn to just be. Thanks.

Come on, 2011.

I just want to cry. Why does it seem so hard to cry?? I know if I did cry, it would take a load off.

I am ready for 2010 to end. I've learned so much, I've seen how I really am, and other things... I just want this year to be over with.

This has been the most difficult year I had to deal with for the past 4 years. I am seriously fed up with a bunch of things. I just want to move forward and just have a clean slate. I just want to be on my own. I want to be satisfied being single. It annoys me. I don't want to deal with those emotions that deal with relationships. Seriously. I'm just fed up with them.

I've only been in love once, and that took a while to happen. I honestly think I cannot "fall" or be "in love" again. I don't know how people do it--fall in love and actually be together and be married. Seriously-props to you!! I admire that, and I can only dream of it. But, it's only a dream, and I don't want to be chasing it.

Why is that? Yes-it scares me because I honestly think it cannot happen. But this is me talking while i am sobering up.