Experienced? or not experienced?

I can look pass my folded mountain of laundry, pass my empty cup of coffee at midnight, and carelessly look about the books among me. 

I can pretend I am not an adult, not in college, or I can pretend I am inexperienced. But I'm far from being "experienced," because I continue to grow--that is, if I want to grow, and if I'm willing to grow. 

Words cannot really express my complexity, nor can I express even my inane ramblings. 

From the inside-out I continue "experiencing." But I cannot do it by my own strength.

Words of a quiet girl cannot satisfy my attempt to muse deeply into an (and to this point, a degree of an) experienced adult. 

*sighs*

Whisper-less tongues

Sometimes, I look through lens and wonder, "what is it I'm seeing?"

There's little depth I see in many places and people. I search for the heart, especially after a certain message. However, there is none engaged.

I'm alone in the pews... Wondering, "what is really the condition of my heart, and why does it bother me to see others who aren't concerned of their own?" maybe it is that I am concerned of the condition of mine, because I know there is bitterness within the depth of my soul.

I'm alone in the pews at the end... With the spotlight hugging the breathing and living skin of mine, who is just yearning for eternity in heaven soon.

There's a time, in-between.

A calm waiting, so I can breathe.

Promise.

Back in LA...

Surrounded by so many, and feeling lonely, already.

Finally

So glad you came. Now, I'll learn to just be. Thanks.

Come on, 2011.

I just want to cry. Why does it seem so hard to cry?? I know if I did cry, it would take a load off.

I am ready for 2010 to end. I've learned so much, I've seen how I really am, and other things... I just want this year to be over with.

This has been the most difficult year I had to deal with for the past 4 years. I am seriously fed up with a bunch of things. I just want to move forward and just have a clean slate. I just want to be on my own. I want to be satisfied being single. It annoys me. I don't want to deal with those emotions that deal with relationships. Seriously. I'm just fed up with them.

I've only been in love once, and that took a while to happen. I honestly think I cannot "fall" or be "in love" again. I don't know how people do it--fall in love and actually be together and be married. Seriously-props to you!! I admire that, and I can only dream of it. But, it's only a dream, and I don't want to be chasing it.

Why is that? Yes-it scares me because I honestly think it cannot happen. But this is me talking while i am sobering up.

"Glory"

Glory:

Magnificence, splendor, beauty, and wonder. The beauty that inspires feelings of wonder and joy.

I'm lingering.

"Wise women hold on to the promises of God and let go of the things that poison or frustrate life" ("Fight Like a Girl," Lisa Bevere)

Perhaps letting go of the mission group I'm a part of will be better. I already have a bible class in the morning, and the homework is time-consuming and heavy, but absolutely worth it. I am working more hours and I have classes in the week.

I've had a lot on my plate for the past year and a half. All the work and less rest is getting to me. I've become sad, lonelier, and introverted. Most days, I don't feel like doing anything, and I've been tired more so for almost 10 months.

A couple of people asked if I'm depressed, or if I have mild depression. I don't believe so. The only thing that keeps me motivated to get up in the morning (although it's a slow process) is my security in God. I'm happier in church. My joy still lingers, but it's only lingering. At least it's genuine. At least I have my guitar and music. I'm ok.

Double major

Almost done with my AS degree before entering the nursing program.

Many English professors ask me the same thing, "Are you an English major?"

Apparently, I should be.

Honestly, I would not mind, because I love literature, I love writing, I love reading and editing.

Maybe some day.