Patience

It has been a month since I moved from Sean's. It has been difficult and I felt used; until recently I started to accept we are not together, and through it I am more independent than I thought. For a while I built a barrier and isolated myself as often as possible. Friends said I was not myself and I thought, "how would they know?" They don't know. They are familiar to one side and could not believe the other. 

I felt dirty because I allowed myself to be tempted into his touch. His kiss. It did not happen once. It happened three times. 

I want it to work out; however, I don't want to work it out through that. I don't want to be attached to strings.

There are a few things that helps me take my mind off him or my emotional wonder. For one, doing new (exciting) things. Second, creating independence; and third a friend whom talks to me in a non-pitiful way. It seems like I am betraying Sean although I know I am not because we are not together. He says he wants to be with me but does not want the label. 

In other news, I have my permit! I passed the test almost a month ago and I practiced three times since then. Kristene and Mike have been busy with their new puppy and for a while things seemed a little awkward or tense with the three of us. That passed! 

Last week my home school allowed me to take over the payments. I paid $500 and $1000 is the due. It has been difficult for them to contact my parents and it is either they go in to collection again or I pay for it. I am happy I handle it. I'm close to getting my high school diploma! 

It was around then when my dependency on Sean started to fade. I realized I am capable of things I thought I could not handle. I achieved more in one month, therefore becoming clear to me that I just need to work on myself now, and not "us." If we were to work on "us" it will happen. 

I did say this life that has finally come out of me came from the time when I started to handle things on my own... in the back of my mind, it happened the moment we spoke to each other, after a tiring and faithless day I had. It is the last thing I listed of gaining serenity and grace. I felt happy.

I spend more time talking to him now. He is letting me borrow his guitar and teaching me a few songs. So, it scares me... because I still love Sean. 

It is happening.

I ended it with Sean two weeks ago. It is the longest two weeks I have experienced.

I ended it, unexpectedly. All I wanted were five minutes, before I impulsively said "it's over." He did not expect it; I surprised myself when the words came out. Perhaps others saw it coming. I did not believe I did it.

Two weeks ago I moved in with Kristene and Mike...

I emailed a friend about it. I think it is easier if I copy and paste it, here.


"I broke up with him a few days ago. I'm living with my friend and her husband for right now. I don't know if I'm moving out; Sean hasn't answered that.

I prayed for things to work out and I am pathetically doing that, still. I love him. I want him to want me back as much as I want him..."


"I don't know. Perhaps it is only me... perhaps I made a mistake. What if he never wants me back? What if he does not want to be with me? I only imagine myself marrying him; no one else.

I felt alone. I felt that he did not spend time with me. I felt silly, unintelligent, and uninteresting to him.

I know he is always working... it's just when he works I feel like the love and commitment he showed to me in the beginning is gone.

I've been going to church and trying to sort my feelings out and I prayed he will work things out with me, too. Not only that, so many things were stressing me out.

It seems to be my fault. I hope I did not ruin things as bad as I think I have."


"I told him I want to be with him. I told him I still love him. I told him I want to work it out. I told him if he wants to work it out I will not move out. I told him if he does not want too work things out- I will move out, for him. I will do it for him.

He says I am the one who said it was over. He said that if we did I will move to Texas with my family. I have not told my mom. I don't want too. I told him I did not call and I do not want to talk to them because I want to stay in California because of him. He told me I don't have to move all my things out at once.

... I came by to pick up more clothing and hoping he will talk to me... I wanted to talk to him and tell him how I felt, and tell him what I thought and that I want us to work things out. I don't think I made it clear enough for him to realised I am ashamed with myself to end it this way.

Then I remembered him telling me that (After I asked him, "Will you want me back if we ever broke up?" "Will you want to be friends?") he would like to be friends because we are close, and he told me he would want to go back together because he loves me. This happened a year or a year-and-a-half ago.

So, I texted him.... "Can we at least start over? Friends, maybe?" He replied, "Friends is fine. Good night." Is that a start?

I am afraid of getting my hopes up. I am afraid of hurting more than I am now.

... I am afraid of hoping and having faith in us. I am afraid of his rejection. I am afraid he does not remember what he says; or if he does, I am more afraid he will not feel the same...

Am I going to fast? Should I stop telling him all this? am I making it harder for him? Should I stop calling and texting him? .... I ruined something that made my world great. I don't know if I did the same for him. I am afraid of asking. I don't think he will answer."


"It is difficult to speak with anyone, honestly. This is the first time in a week I have to myself, therefore I can talk to anyone... However, there is no one to talk to. I don't know what to talk about... I don't want to burden anyone with my problems...

... My friends (whom I'm staying with) are leaving town in a couple weeks for a few days. I texted him last night and asked if it will be ok if I can stay there for a while, and I will buy a sleeping bag.

I don't want to be by myself here for three days; and I would have to ask those days off if I am here, alone. I'm afraid of thinking about staying in a place I'm not familiar with, yet. If I do spend the night there at his place, I will work, to make it easier on him..."



"He knows I miss him. I tell him every night. At least he's talking to me, now. Not much, but it's a start.

He said it will be awkward if I slept in the same bed. I moved most of my things out yesterday. I cannot believe this is happening. I'm homesick.
He said he doesn't want a relationship or deal with emotions. He said he just wants to work, eat, and sleep. He said he just wants to make money and not deal with anything else.

I hope things work out. He said he still cares. There's things he needs to work on, as in making an effort to show how much he loves me or cares; or by doing simple things like stopping by to see me, or calling me just to say hi and see what I'm doing, etc. There's things I need to work on like my temper and patience. I need to be graceful, again. When I was, he did show he loved me or cared.

Now, I'm thinking of all the wonderful times we had when it was just me and him in Vegas and when I moved to California. I don't know why it happened, but I have an idea how it happened.
He lost his job, so I supported him and helped him with rent and all. Then he started working and he was doing great. I saw him less. I spent time with him less. That's how it started. I realised I didn't show as much support as I ought have. I complained and felt alone. I needed him when I was stressed. I needed him for everything.

That is when our fights were the worse."



"Things are better. We talked yesterday and he said he misses me and still loves me. He said we'll be together once he feels settled enough to buy or rent a new place..."



"Sean and I hung out yesterday for two hours. We agree that you don't appreciate something until it's gone, and it seems like we are extra careful, loving, and appreciative to each other... I love him more and clearly, now.

We will move back together once things are settled with his brother. I was told he needs to calm down. Also, once I graduate and work full time we'll be together, soon."



Whatever "soon" means.