Rain

Out from our door...

I wanted to capture how beautiful the sky looked once the rain stopped.

I could not capture it as I thought...


Instead, I was left alone on a garage rooftop.

I believe you are better off living your life without me, because you do it now. I seem to be nowhere in your plans, our plans that I have made with you; that's what I thought. Now it seems like I have made them myself.

I seem to be nowhere in your life. And I wish I was because I have given myself to you. You are special and I don't want to lose that.

I seem to be nowhere in your life. Are you better off without me? Because if you are I am willing to let you go if it will make you happy and stress-free.
although it hurts thinking about it... it really does. I don't want to leave you. I don't. However, now it seems like that is where it would lead to if we did not live together.

Drive Safely

I sit here listening to classical music on Yahoo! and unsatisfyingly procrastinate on homework I planned finishing tonight.

I took this picture to show Sean some of the features my co-worker has on his car. Going through photos that I have taken on the night of D's party I stopped once I came to this, and zoomed to see what it says. Somehow, it struck me. I thought how often I took chances and the result slimmed. I am afraid of realizing what a mistake I done once I look from a passenger's perspective and end up in an accident I may regret.

The party is the first house party I have gone to since my ex-boyfriend, over two years ago.


There was a moment, after many unpleasant moments with one in particular, when I saw how sad it is that one can turn into, to escape. I read how he is not trying enough. How depressed he is although he denies it. I told him, "You need help," he replied, "from who?" I thought, as I smell his breath while his face was coming close to mine- that people have tried to help him. Perhaps not enough, "you need better friends," I shamelessly said. "From who?" he slurred. I had to turn my face from his. He was coming too close. I quickly lifted my eyes and looked at Javier, and back down. I thought he could not have others save him anymore. He needs to stop and save himself from crashing, again.
Javier and Maria, thank goodness, helped me get away from him.

D, whom I love and miss, is drunk at his party. I enjoy his company and the moments we talk. Although he was drunk, I realized how much he cared and how he is like me. An idealist through hardship. (I believe I don't show much of it through my blog.) More so, than me.

He quit Big 5 a couple of months ago. I remember it was a Tuesday morning and he did truck. I was told from Matt that it was Dmitriy's last day. I could not look at Dmitriy for the next three or four hours after I saw him, and the moment I asked, "You're leaving?" Why, I thought. He starts to say goodbye and writes down other's numbers and contact information. He stood right next to me and I felt his eyes on me. I looked up and he placed his hand on my shoulder as to give me support as he always did when I am confused or whatnot. He tells me he is going to miss me, and hugged me longer than I thought he would. You're the older brother I needed, I thought. I told him I am going to miss him, too.

Now, he is jobless and he knew it was coming. He knew the moment he was offered. He needed to do it for what he is studying. He knew it was only going to be for a month or two. Therefore, I understood. He goes along the road and decides what turn to take considering his mood, or by construction or traffic.


I am the one who is running across the street to go a different way.


One does not read or stop for traffic; instead, one goes for the thrill or escape.
One chooses what is best, considering what is ahead and knowing the outcome will not always be what you expect.
One does read, stops for traffic, and walks across the street, but is unwilling to go any farther.

Satisfactory

It has been so difficult to express myself through writing. I always had a difficult time speaking. I am not implying I have a speech impediment or anything, and I'm sorry if that was offensive- I did not mean it that way.

There has been so many things I want to talk about however, it seems difficult. I have a difficult time sleeping. I don't understand why that is the only time I have something worth saying. Well, I believe it is... some way.

I wish I had something articulate to say. I have nothing.


I persuaded to pay my school that my mother missed, again. They want it from her.

Am I doing something wrong if I am looking for a new place, now? Am I not good enough with the cash I make? Should I work a second job that is down the street?

I always feel like I am not good enough.

Circle & Stripes

I don't think I am out-of place.



Sometimes, I want to be left alone by you. If we did not live together, I would ask for a break.

Caution

The four things that make a healthy relationship are communication, consideration, respect, and compassion.

Why does it feel like we are not communicating in an adult-like manner? Will it be best if I don't run my mouth about something you ask or bring up? Does it have to be that way when you are the only person I thought I could tell everything too?

I thought you could be my best friend. I feel as if we are on a different page.

Recently, I have been saying I am sick of things. In candour, I am not happy with how we are, what we are, and what we are going through, now. However, I do not want to leave you, if that is what you believe.

I just need time for myself, right now.

I greatly respect you but you do not respect me much as I like you to. I have this thing when I run my mouth about something you only bring up; but you have this habit of not knowing when to stop when I ask you to.
I do not feel like I am treated like a woman from you...


I don't know what to do, anymore. I feel exhausted. I don’t like the direction this is going.

I just hope things work out. If I had my way, I will go to the beach everyday.

I am unsure what is happening. They could not make up their minds and I am tired of having my hopes up. How is it so difficult to stick to one thing? We had a place, well a more than a few, however they keep changing it. I am tired of this and I want to start off new. I am tired of my job; and I am extremely disappointed in myself for not accomplishing any thing for the past year and half.

I just want to get away from it all. I do not want to be a dependant little girl.

I just hope things will work out. But how is it so in a world like this?

The Rose Garden - pictures by Kristene.

Day with Kristene

The food is so wonderful. Panera Bread will be one of my new obsessions. (The bagles are good, too.)


This is the what you look up too when you enter the science museum.

I felt so picayune. For a moment, I thought life as a staircase circling surrounding dreams- and as one continues going there seems to be not many left in the ring.

In addition, I am always unsure where I am.

However, yesterday has been amusing and stimulating; yet tiring by the end of the night.
All that requires chomping on solid food was bread, one apple, and more bread. Oh, and we had juice.

We had Panera Bread for breakfast. I have been craving a bread bowl and yesterday I had it with broccoli and cheddar cheese soup. We fed two birds, I ate my apple, and dropped her husband off at home (and she grabbed a few things).
We arrived at the science museum after being lost for an amusing hour. Unfortunately, my camera died after three or four hours and we have not been through half the museum. However, Kristene took plenty of pictures for me to download.

I have seen nothing like the rose garden. I'll post a picture she took on the next post.




It was fantastic, nonetheless. I would not mind doing it, again.


This Friday is definately beach day. It's time for us to relax.

The coloured and grey.

A destination is coloured as the opposite fades in to black and grey.

I am unsure of what direction to take, however, my instinct tells me we are better off going the practical way. Nevertheless, it is heart breaking leaving a place you have grown accustomed to and learn to love.

I will be leaving a place with a great opportunity at my work. I will be leaving a place where I have finally set my sights on college. I will be leaving a place where I have met wonderful, and not so wonderful people. I will be leaving a place of serenity and the sound waves. I love this chapter of my life; although, I had my moments of loneliness, doubt, and guilt.

*****



Sean's father has come from Bolivia seven months ago to work on a landscape project. The total of years he has been gone is more than half the age of Sean. The last time Sean has seen his father (along with Peter and Robert) is when he left the three of them at the border of Mexico. Years have been full of hate towards his father.

In December, we are visiting Bolivia for a month. We are excited to leave the U.S. for a while.

His father left two days ago, returning to Bolivia to his wife and two children. His time here, although spent the remaining week with two of his sons, have cleared the anguish and treated us with laughter. I stayed out of their way as they spent time together for the first few days.

Within the week and a day or two before his departure, we were told to find a new place. Apparently, we are giving trouble to our property owner, Rosalie. We do not bother her, and we do give our rent on time.
Since, we have been looking for a new place. Sean's father offered a place for us in Bolivia and a business he is opening. I gave a nights thought and realized I could not bear to live in a country with a different tongue (I am uninterested in the language, especially- I am horrible at it and I have been trying to learn it for years.) and work will be limited. After I thought how selfish I was being towards Sean. I thought he could have a better life there. He would not have to worry as much as he is now. We talked about it, quietly, the next morning. He confessed he does not want to live there and he does not want to be away from me, again (I mentioned it will be best if he lived in Bolivia and I, Vegas with my parents. It hurt him to hear as it hurt me to say.).

Together, we looked for apartments and homes. The prices are very unpractical. His brother, Pete, said his girlfriend's parents own a property in Hermosa Beach and we have to pay $450 each. That is cheap and the area is wonderful. It is less than a mile from the beach and I would go there everyday if I wanted. However, the next day he called and told Sean it has already been taken. So much of hope.

The next place is Culver City or some place, horrible place- worse than here. I do not want to step out of the car or home if we lived there. What more- I walk!

This has made Sean and I worry much more than we have. Other places we have checked are outrageous. Then, we looked in to places near to our work. It is still the same.

Finally, we looked at Vegas apartments. We can have a three-bedroom apartment for what we pay here. In addition, it is in a nice area.
We don't want to live with my parents. They seem to have too much trouble.


We are better off there, if there is no place for us here.